From Alienation to Connection: Healing the Spiritual Side Effects of Compulsive Perfectionism

When the whole world is your friend,

fear will find no place to call home.

Matty Weingast, from Mitta-Friend, in The First Free Women: Original Poems Inspired by the Early Buddhist Nuns

 

Recall that feeling you got when you first logged on to the Internet. You finally figured it out, and then, whoosh! You were connected! What a relief! You could get information, email your friends, and find recipes for shrimp creole.

Recall that feeling when all of your closest friends are together having a great time, teasing each other, and agreeing that no matter how bad things get in the world at least you’ll all be in it together. You feel whole.

Recall that feeling when you and Suzie, at 13 years old apiece, kissed under the big oak tree in the woods near your house. Magic.

Now imagine getting connected on a whole different level—not just to the Internet–but the entire Universe. Bliss.

Whether or not we can sense this connection makes a huge difference in our lives. And those of us who are compulsive or perfectionist may inadvertently block it and experience alienation instead.

Uh-oh. Gary’s gone woohoo on us. Maybe so, but hear me out. What I’ll suggest is a personally established empiricism, an individual evaluation of what leaves you feeling the best—alienation or connection. And I’m going to give you some background to help you make this decision.

Problem: First, I’ll sketch out the problem and put some limits on which aspects of connection we’ll explore.

Potential: Then I’ll talk about why connection may be one of the most fundamental elements in our sense of wellbeing, and the science and culture supporting it.

Pitfalls: I’ll talk about blocks to connection.

Pathways: Finally, I’ll suggest ways to cultivate connection.

The connection I’ll be describing runs the gamut from profound and transformative experiences to the gentle cultivation of a more friendly attitude to the natural world. Both are priceless.

The Problem: Compulsive Perfectionism Versus Connection

Perfectionism distances us rather than connecting us. There’s always something wrong with the world, so we give it the cold shoulder and go our merry way. But this actually causes alienation, that vague but ever-present sense that we are at odds with the world around us and that it’s a dangerous place.

We don’t belong and it makes us anxious. We act as if an imperfect world could never be our world.

Instead we buy a new phone, chat with AI, or join 5 dating apps. But our sense of separateness persists.

It might seem like a reasonable thing to do to separate ourselves from the Force that gives us hurricanes, earthquakes and, my personal favorite, artic blasts. It’s hard to make friends with the Universe under these conditions and instead we draw back.

To our critical minds, it doesn’t matter whether the Universe caused problems or not, when things aren’t Right we unconsciously distance ourselves from it, getting further and further away over time.

I won’t contest that the Universe can be a dangerous place, but that’s not a reason to ghost it.

First of all, that won’t protect you. But more importantly that distancing robs you of the benefits of connection.

Alienation ensues.

I won’t be able to explore the many reasons we distance ourselves in this post because I want to focus on the effects of perfectionism. Perfectionism expresses itself in many ways, and we aren’t always aware of the impact it has.

Here are four reasons that I will be focusing on perfectionism:

1. It’s hard enough to connect to the Universe without perfectionism getting in the way.

 

2. Much of what’s scary is caused by humans, not the Universe.

 

3. Perfectionism is within our control, typhoons are not.

 

4. The people who have gone to hell and back and kept their souls intact have done it by connecting, not by becoming more critical.

 

Disconnection from Others

One other limit to our discussion today.

People.

People who are compulsive, obsessive, Type A or perfectionist are more likely to focus on their differences with other people than what we have in common. Those differences imply that something is Wrong or Bad, so that’s what we obsess about.

How many battles have been fought over differences about the legitimacy of baptism by immersion rather than sprinkling? You could be excommunicated or even drowned for being on the “wrong” side of the debate.

In contrast, whenever he comes across someone new, the Dalai Lama immediately looks for what he has in common with them. And he seems like a pretty happy guy to me; despite all the crises he’s been through and all the responsibility he shoulders.

While social connections certainly affect our sense of well-being, and even how long we live, in this post I’ll be focusing more on whether we feel connected to the World around us, most obviously in Nature, but also to the Unseen, so that we can become aware of the problem and take steps to heal.

Potential Benefits of Connecting to the Universe

Transcendence: What Does Connection Feel Like?

The most common description of spirituality is a sense of being connected to something greater than ourselves. In this state we transcend the isolation we often experience as humans.

Here are some of the adjectives associated with a connection to something greater:

Awe.

Peace.

Belonging.

Inclusion.

Kinship.

Wholeness.

Attunement.

Alignment.

Coming home.

The Scientific Record

There is scientific data to support the idea that a sense of connection to the world around you is key to your well-being. Transpersonal psychology, for instance, explores the impact of feeling connected to something greater than oneself—be it humanity, nature, or the cosmos. Studies show that individuals who report a sense of unity with the universe or nature tend to exhibit lower levels of stress, diminished depressive symptoms, and higher purpose in life.

For example, David Yaden, at the University of Pennsylvania, conducted an overview of research on “self-transcendent experiences” (e.g. unity, flow and awe), and found that experiences like this are associated with increased well-being and positive emotions. Their study supported the idea that when our sense of self transcends the individual and embraces a larger world, we are better off.

Other scientists are onto this as well. The field known as environmental psychology has found that there are mental health benefits from feeling connected to nature. One study by Mayer and Frantz found impressive links between a sense of being connected to nature and a sense of well-being. As I explored in a previous post, when we spend time in nature and feel a sense of belonging, we have lower anxiety and increased vitality.

The Cultural Record

Our cultural record, the archetypal stories, myths, and literature that have been handed down for millennia and recreated afresh by each generation, also tell us we are worse off when we lose our sense of connection, and better off when we have it.

Our penchant for control and independence, isolating ourselves from the flawed world, is also a form of perfectionism.

Currently you can find this theme in the streaming series, Silo. Ten thousand people live desolately inside a huge underground silo, believing that the world outside is deadly. To question this is forbidden. They have forgotten how their Silo came to be, and they are at odds with the world around them.

Like them, most of us are siloed today.

The theme of having lost our way and our connection–without knowing it—is all around us. We prefer to believe we are the driving force in our lives, perfectly in control.

We see it in Jay in The Great Gatsby, believing his own fantasy about what he could control and what would bring him happiness. His belief that he could win Daisy through his own will-power and persistence shows how oblivious he was to the world around him. His isolation shows that he wasn’t so Great after all.

We see it in Walter White from Breaking Bad when he convinces himself that his criminal activities are for his family’s benefit when it’s really clear that they are not. He likes to believe that he is a hero and can control it all on his own.

They both live in their own world, and it’s not a pretty one.

And it’s not just wayward Americans who experience this theme. It’s universal.

Jesus said, “I am the vine; you are the branches. If you remain in me and I in you, you will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing.”

According to Hinduism, until we awake and see our original connection with the Divine, we are lost. We are separated.

In Greek mythology, Narcissus falls in love with his own reflection, thinking it’s perfect, not knowing it is himself and not another. He’s disconnected from everything else.

According to Buddhism there are three poisons: clinging, aversion, and ignorance. The ignorance they refer to includes ignorance of the fact that we are not separate from the rest of the world.

Vietnamese Buddhist monk and peace activist Thich Nhat Hahn emphasized that the reality of the universe is Interbeing. He explains that without clouds, rain, and soil, there would be no you. You are only made up of all these things that you usually consider to be not you. But you really inter-be with everything else.

Perhaps my favorite story about connection is Alan Watts’ description of life as a cosmic game of hide and seek, where the Divine forgets its true nature and dives into the material world so that it can experience the alienation of individuality, the depths of intense emotion, and the fulfillment of rediscovery.  We imagine that we are separate from the Divine, but there is no difference. You’ve done the hiding. Now it’s time for seeking.

Pitfalls: Blocks to Connection

If connection is so great, why are so many of us walking around like zombies? Here are just some of the reasons, all of which stem from a form of perfectionism.

Cultural Conditioning: Let’s Be Perfectly Rational

Our culture pays lip service to ideas about connection, but skepticism, wanting to be perfectly rational, leads us to disregard this wisdom. How could something so sloppily intangible, dubious and ethereal make such a big difference?

“Common sense” leads us to prioritize obvious things that we can wrap our obsessive heads around and concrete things we can sink our workaholic teeth into. If we can’t see it, it doesn’t exist.

But common sense is not always good sense. Just because something is common doesn’t mean that it’s true or helpful. For instance, here are some beliefs that used to be “common sense”:

The earth is flat.

Smoking is good for you.

Left-handed people are evil.

Tomatoes are poisonous.

I’m not suggesting that you give up your practicality. Quite the contrary, I’m suggesting that it’s practical to adopt an attitude and a perspective that helps you to feel connected rather than alienated.

The sense of connection that people used to feel has been replaced by a supposedly more rational perspective. Myth, spirituality and religion used to help us to realize that we belong, but these days we are far too smart and sophisticated for that and stand proudly in our gloomy isolation, which is not to say that we really are rational these days. We just rationalize what we feel safest with–as if it were rational.

But connection implies loss of control to us. And we find that scary.

Invisible and Intangible: A Lack of Connection is Hard to Detect

When I ask new clients what’s most important to them, never has anyone said, connection to the Universe. And that says something. A sense of connection is basic to our well-being yet we no longer value it. But, ironically, the disconnection is so ubiquitous we’re unaware of it.

There is no urgency to connect. It doesn’t show up on our to-do lists which are curated to make us perfectly efficient and productive. We are like the proverbial lobster in the pot of boiling water which doesn’t feel any urgency until it’s too late and it’s about to be featured on the dinner plate.

Most of us can detect when we feel like we don’t have enough social connection. But when we’re disconnected from the Universe, the experience is so pervasive and unconscious that it’s like not being able to detect air because we are awash in it.

God and Religion: Perfectly Connected or Perfectly Righteous?

A sense of connection with God can fulfill this very human need for communion. But if it becomes “Me and God against the world!” the potential benefits fly right through the stained-glass window.

Similarly, religion may celebrate the beauty and wonder of God’s creation, or it may cast Nature in the role of evil. Once again, you’re alienated from the Universe.

Healthy perfectionism can help us cultivate a good relationship with God by investing in prayer and using restraint. Unhealthy perfectionism can hijack religion and lead to sanctimoniousness and rigidity rather than connection.

The Perfect Curtains: Substituting What’s Within Your Control for Transcendence

We may feel discontent, uneasy, unresolved and anxious not because we haven’t found the perfect curtains, but because we see ourselves as separate from the world. You may think the problem is with the curtains, but it’s really something much larger than that and you’ve put the curtains in its place—blocking your view of the bigger picture.

To switch the metaphor, it’s like buying a used plastic-framed poster of Dolly Parton at a garage sale and thinking you’ve scored the entire Louvre.

Perfectionism may lead us to believe that we transcend discomfort and this shabby world by becoming more perfect, or by making the world around us more perfect. On the contrary, the path to connection is the exact opposite of perfecting; when we accept ourselves as we are and the world as it is, we are more likely to transcend and connect.

The curtains are just a distraction. They’re easier to control, but very thin on benefits.

Acceptance does not mean things can’t get better or that you actually approve of your morally deficient neighbor’s scrappy window treatments. It just means that you aren’t resisting present reality as if your life depended on it.

Pathways: Healing the Side Effects of Compulsive Perfectionism

I don’t have a fantasy that the Universe will take care of me, save me from paying taxes, protect me from avalanches while backcountry snowboarding, or get me upgraded to business class on a full flight to Seattle. But I also don’t need to live in a fantasy that the Universe is woefully deficient or out to get me.

The challenges to experiencing connection don’t mean we can’t make progress and enjoy its benefits. Dramatically transformative experiences are great, but don’t hold your breath waiting for them. You can get perfectionistic about transcendent encounters as well.

Don’t let the perfect be the enemy of the good.

Here are some good places to start:

Cultivate Receptive Actions and Attitude

• Notice when you breathe that the air is part of you, and you are part of the air. Remember that everything you are made of came from the rest of the world.

 

• Make time to take a break from being a supposedly rational island unto yourself. Play. Forget about knowing and immerse yourself in curiosity and observation without having to figure things out. Stop being so thinky for a while.

 

• Start small and work your way up to the stars. Make friends first with your home, your neighborhood, and your town by appreciating the good. This takes dropping your perfectionism and overlooking what you might consider some pretty serious blemishes.

 

• Of course, it’s easier to achieve union with the Universe when you’re standing atop the dramatic overlook at Angel’s Landing in Zion National Park than it is when you’re immersed in the gritty streets of Hell’s Kitchen in New York, but it’s no less valid or edifying. So, practice these skills in the kid’s bathroom, the grocery parking lot, and at a Ranger’s hockey game.

 

Open to Enchantment

I’ve been reading Sharon Blackie’s book, The Enchanted Life: Reclaiming the Magic and Wisdom of the Natural World. She has some great suggestions that apply to our task at hand. She lists four major components of enchantment, which means fascination or delight, and conveys the opposite of alienation:

1. Participation

Live with an appreciation of our kinship with the world and cultivate a sense of oneness.

2. Wonder

Live with curiosity, amazement, and appreciation for the possible and the mysterious in life. This is best described as “Wow,” with quiet exclamation points.

3. Embodiment

Live with an awareness and acceptance of our own bodies as part of the bigger body: Practice “Bodyfulness,” which is similar to “Mindfulness,” but encompasses the whole enchilada.

4. Mythic Imagination

Name the stories you live by and notice which ones connect you and which ones separate you. For instance, is your story one of conquering in order to achieve control, or connecting to be present to what is? And are these stories archetypal, part of a larger tradition lived and told by other humans for thousands of years?

Communicate: The Key to Connection

As with any relationship, an important tool to achieve these goals is communication. Befriend the Universe by talking to it in your mind as if it were your besty from high school. Tell it stories. Don’t worry, lots of people have done it for millennia and others still do it today. They just don’t brag about it.

Call it prayer or call it crazy. It works.

You don’t have to be religious in the traditional sense to get the benefits.

I was on a hike last weekend and tried it. Here’s what happened:

I told the trees how beautiful they were, and that they were wearing some of my favorite colors. (Participation)

I asked the sky how it had gotten so big. (Wonder)

I noticed how good it felt to move my legs, breathe the fresh air and place my feet on the trail. I told the trail and the air that I appreciated how soft and receptive they were. (Embodiment)

I asked the huge rock outcroppings how their day was going and told them about my epic battles with the insurance company that week. I playfully framed it like I had been David fighting Goliath with my slingshot. (Mythic Imagination)

Anyway, no big surprise, none of them spoke back directly and verbally—they had all given up on speaking ages ago after watching us make fools of ourselves with words. But I could still feel them, and while they didn’t talk back, talking to them still made a big difference in my mood and ability to enjoy the hike.

Yes, adopting such a “non-sense” attitude seems weird, but be an empiricist and try it. Turn things around and be perfectly non-rational.

If nothing else, you may learn something about why you feel you need to remain disconnected. Or you may have a good laugh at my expense. Which would be fine by me.

*   *   *

These practices help us to feel more whole, complete, and less anxious, all of which feel much better than the stultifying suits of armor we usually walk around in, imagining that we are separate from the rest of the world.

Participate. Wonder. Embody. Imagine.

Drop the perfection and only connect.