Whatever the motivation for withholding forgiveness, it usually hurts the holder more than it hurts the offending person. And as I’ll show in this post, not forgiving may be part of a larger mindset which blocks not just connection with that one person, but also a more fulfilling life.
How do you help a partner, relative or friend who feels suicidal? The situation is disturbing for anyone, and can be even more difficult for people who take too much responsibility and need to have things fixed and resolved. There are limits to what is within our control. And many of us feel too much responsibility in a situation like this. We like to think that there must be a solution to any and all problems—if we could just figure it out and work hard enough to execute that solution. But that’s very idealistic, if not naïve. Hopefully, and ideally, hearing themselves as they talk to you, and hearing you mirror their feelings empathically and simply, will help them realize that what needs to die is not they themselves, but their unrealistic standards, black and white thinking, and self-attack. Their dictator, tyrant, or judge.
Romantic love requires a mindset different from the controlling one, a mindset characterized by allowing, openness and flexibility. Valentine’s Day and anniversaries can serve as opportunities to celebrate and welcome what feels like the chaos of passion—including those deliciously dangerous feelings of being out-of-control. It’s like getting out of the prison of control. You can’t force romantic love. You can only surrender to it.
Few of us make it through life without ever getting defensive. Shields are universal and archetypal. But, at the risk of being dramatic, how defensive we get can dramatically affect our relationships and careers. Some people keep their Shield of protection up almost all the time. Others ram it into the other person’s face. Both of these can severely limit not just relationships and work, but, as we’ll see, your psychological growth as well.
Too often our efforts to be conscientious overshoot their goal and we become rigid and rulebound instead. Sometimes this is because we follow convention rather than conscience, and other times it’s because we have forgotten our original motivation. In both cases, becoming more mindful of conscience and more skillful in how we execute it can put us back on track, rather than driving nowhere.
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To have a good relationship we need to learn to speak the love languages that our partner can understand and feel. This can be particularly uncomfortable for people who are obsessive-compulsive, because they are most comfortable with one language. But learning a new language is always good, and the energy and deternmination that come with being obsessive-compulsive can help you to learn it.
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