Do You Feel Like a Misunderstood Perfectionist? A Swan Among Ducks?

 Have you ever had the experience where you’re not trying to be controlling, you’re trying to help, to get it right, but people hear it as if it were criticism when you intended care? If you feel out of step this way with other people, this is for you.

One of the comments that I’ve gotten from many people who have read my book about the obsessive-compulsive personality is that they felt understood for the first time in their life, and that understanding how they are different has helped them to navigate their world better. That’s very gratifying to me, but it also makes me concerned about all the people who may never feel understood and have a hard time navigating their world.

Many people who are driven, perfectionistic, type-A, obsessive-compulsive, and OCPD find themselves out of step with the world, misunderstood and frustrated by its foolishness, sloppiness, and carelessness. If this is you, you may have a very different mindset than most people.

To you, there is always something wrong, and you’ve got to fix it.

This may lead you to appear and act in ways that make no sense to others. And vice-versa. You may not be aware of how this plays out, and you may not care. That’s fine, but if it is disturbing to you, listen up.

We may need to help you see your differences more clearly and develop some skills to bridge the gap.

My hope is that once you see your mindset as just different, rather than better or worse, you may not get caught up in right and wrong, defending yourself, or having to prove your goodness so often. Then you can change your behavior if you want to.

The Not So Ugly Duckling: The Misunderstood Perfectionist

It’s like the tale of The Ugly Duckling. Born among ducks, our protagonist was larger, and he seemed like a very odd duck to everyone else.

He couldn’t quack for the life of him. He compulsively thrusted his long neck underwater for the really good food that the ducks wouldn’t touch. He dreamed of having his own place rather than sharing territory with the messy ducks, and he dreamt of having his own mate—for life, none of this promiscuous year-at-a-time business.

None of which went over well in Duckland. They thought him fussy, righteous, perfectionistic, and controlling. He was obsessed with keeping his white feathers pristine. He always seemed to be ruminating. He got all bent out of shape when they didn’t have their ducks in a row, when they didn’t swim or fly in an exactly straight “V” formation. He refused to go with them on the Halloween Bar Waddle.

He was a sitting duck for merciless teasing. “What happened to you? Your neck get run over by a tractor?”

He was usually in a grumpy mood, so they called him Donald Downer.

Confused and miserable, he concluded he was just an ugly duck. He gave up on finding a mate at all, much less one for life.

Despairing, he left and went out on his own. And a funny thing happened once he reached the next pond. He saw a flock of beautiful creatures with extended necks and long, white, graceful bodies. Just then he happened to look down into the water, and he saw his reflection. He realized he looked just like these elegant birds! “Oh!  I’m one of them!” He had found his people and his life changed in an instant.

Whenever the business of being a swan took him back into Duckland, he was able to approach it differently.

If you measure yourself by the standards of others, you may feel ugly or misunderstood. And you may have skewed ideas about how to behave because of it. But if you see that you are actually true to yourself by being different, you look just fine. Then you can make conscious decisions about how to live, rather than reacting to criticisms from within or without.

Getting Along as a Swan Among Ducks

This is all cool. But like it or not, you’re going to be spending more time with ducks. And they don’t always get it.

This is the case with many people who are obsessive-compulsive, control freaks, and micromanagers. They can’t help but act differently from others. But once they are more conscious of the purpose of their differences, a lot of stuff starts to make more sense.

I’ve had this experience talking to my wife on a number of occasions when I said:

“You mean other people don’t feel or think that way?”

“No, not everyone.”

“You mean not everyone calculates whether it’s more efficient in terms of steps to walk to the refrigerator, or to the cabinet first?”

Chuckle, chuckle. “No.”

That was a relief and things made a little more sense.

But just because this kind of realization makes our lives easier to understand, it doesn’t always make us more happy.

We could have a pity party about being misunderstood and frustrated, but that has not been found to be clinically effective, so let’s try something else. Let’s understand how our behavior might seem odd to others, and make conscious decisions about whether to alter that behavior. That’s what’s within your control. And I know you like your control.

In Praise of Ducks

None of this is to say that swans are better than ducks. They each have their role to play in the pond of life.

I’m speaking metaphorically now, of course. The ducks, people who are not obsessive-compulsive, perfectionistic, thoughtful, thorough and meticulous, can be very creative, spontaneous, and fun-loving. More positive. Carefree in a good way. Funny.

Without ducks the world would be a very boring place. No chaos, no creativity. No mistakes, no discoveries.  No freedom, no joy.

Ducks bring openness, playfulness and celebration to life. We need to relate to them with the same receptivity and appreciation we would hope they would offer us–even when they’re a pain in the ass, and even though we would never, ever, behave that way.

But I’m getting ahead of myself. Let’s define our terms.

OCP and OCPD (Obsessive-Compulsive Personality Disorder)

The medical term for the most serious examples of the condition I’m referring to is obsessive-compulsive-personality disorder (OCPD). (This is not OCD, that’s another whole ball of wax. To understand that better, read The Differences Between OCD and OCPD.)

I’ll be referring to this personality style as OCP, leaving out the “D” for disordered.  Some people have fewer than the four required symptoms, so they technically do not have full blown OCPD, and therefore are not considered “disordered” by the American Psychiatric Association.  They just have traits, thank you.

But they can still be misunderstood and they can still suffer.

Others may have an obsessive-compulsive personality but few if any of the negative behavioral symptoms. I call these Healthy Compulsives. But their personality can still get in the way of their getting along with others, and it can still lead to suffering.

I’m speaking to all of you so that you can understand yourself, be understood by others, and find better ways to get along with those we are not so concerned with order.

Caveat of the week. People who have the friend/server/people-pleaser type of OCP may not resonate with what I say in this post. At first. They put most of their perfectionistic, compulsive and obsessive energy into making sure that they are using good social skills. But their over-the-top efforts not to disappoint others can also lead to being misunderstood and suffering.

For instance, a partner might end up saying, “I wish you had told me you were resentful about doing so much of the housework rather than slowly getting angry and passive aggressive.”

And, since few people are purely only one type, you may still recognize yourself in some of the other types.

Some of us are fine with being OCP, though we may wish at times to turn down the volume on the internal babble.  I personally appreciate the energy and the satisfaction that comes with it. But I’ve had to learn how to slow it all down and tone it all down so that it doesn’t drive me or those around me crazy.

The Responsibility of Being OCP

None of this is to say that those of us with OCP are angels. OCP can lead us to be hurtful or self-destructive, even if we don’t meet the full criteria for OCPD.

Having an obsessive-compulsive personality is like being entrusted with a very sharp knife. It’s best to be careful not to cut anyone with it, the ducks or yourself. Use it to cut vegetables. Not egos.

Nothing I say should be used as a Get-Out-Of-Jail-Card or to justify bad behavior. This may strike you as unfair, and it may be unfair, but nobody owes you understanding.

I once heard someone in an OCPD video say, to a general audience, “You have to understand…” No, they don’t have to understand. That’s OCPD righteousness speaking with some narcissism and victim complex thrown in.

Having the right intent and lots of genetic predispositions does not give you carte blanche to tell others what to do, insist on things being a certain way, procrastinate, or sacrifice your relationship with your family for your work.

It’s time to put on your big boy/big girl pants and wield this knife wisely.

I’ve had to learn that some of my behavior that seems completely rational to me can be off-putting or even hurtful to others, and it’s my responsibility to be mindful of that, for all of us. That’s what I’ll be discussing today.

How Does OCP Feel Different?

The longer I live and the longer I treat people with OCP, the more I see that our fundamental mindset is different from most people.

When others are thinking about how good the beef stroganoff tastes, what they liked about the movie last night, and when they’re next going to have an intimate moment their lover, you’re worried about whether it’s ok to eat beef, wondering if you missed something interesting in the movie, and wallowing in guilt about having fleeting, illicit thoughts about your gorgeous neighbor. That makes it hard to engage.

Your swan-world is a whole different universe from duck-world. And others can’t see what it’s like inside there. They only see it from its outside behavior. And it looks alien.

Of course I’m enlarging texture to show effect here, but people with OCP really do have a different mindset. They:

• Measure in smaller quantities:

· seconds, not months

· inches, not yards

· ounces, not pounds

· trees, not forests

• Hold different values:

· efficiency over sensual pleasure

· principles of right and wrong over pleasure, pain and connection

· having order and routine more than having a rich diversity in their lives.

• Are disturbed by chaos much more than others

• Feel revulsion at moral laxity

• Feel a need to function as the “stupid police,” opposing what they see as irrationality, even if they only oppose it in their mind

• Experience disturbing internal conflicts that others may not experience because their obsessive and compulsive tendencies can be contradictory:

· Completion and productivity conflict with perfection

· Should I finish and resolve this project or perfect it?

· Health versus not wasting

· Should I honor my diet with portion control or not waste the food?

· Responsibility vs connection

· Should I correct them or connect with them?

How Does OCP Look Different?

As a result of their different mindset and priorities, people with OCP behave differently. All of these internal conflicts may lead you to behave in ways that are off-putting to others, if not to being outright excluded.  To you, this mindset seems reasonable and honorable, even if it is off-putting.

Your good intentions may alienate you from others if you’re not savvy about how you carry them out.

For instance, I may notice that a client is engaging in slowly self-destructive behavior, but if I communicate that in a blunt way, without acknowledging the good intentions behind it, it would be harder for them to make use of my observation. I might think I am doing the right thing as a surgeon-therapist, but they might feel like they are being cut.

Here is a list of some of the ways OCP looks different. With each one, take a moment to imagine how it might feel to others and what it might signal to them:

Closeminded.

· Reject ideas of others and correct others.

Obsessive.

· Focus single-mindedly on something that makes no sense to others.

Disengaged.

· Distracted by projects. Don’t respond verbally because they are processing.

Fussy and particular.

· Prioritize putting things in order.

Controlling.

· Expect others to behave in a certain way. They don’t delegate and instead work on their own.

Rushed.

· Approach everything with urgency.

Slow.

· Delay completion until perfection is reached.

Self-destructive.

· Injure themselves with overwork.

Insensitive.

· Blunt.

Moody.

· Consumed with what’s wrong.

Overly Serious.

· Use humor rarely and then largely to tease, chide or mock about shortcomings. Work too hard and long.

You may have noticed that one result of most of these could be that other people think that you think you’re better than them. In reality, a common motivation is just not to be seen as lazy, immoral or incompetent.

Social Signaling and Inclusion in the Tribe

Here’s why this matters. We are tribal by nature, and how and what we communicate is essential to being included in a tribe. This is known as pro-social signaling, and it includes what you say, your facial expressions, your posture, and your gestures.

But people who are overcontrolling, perfectionistic, obsessive and compulsive often don’t achieve this because they don’t come across as they think they do. Consequently, their overcontrolled behavior is often misunderstood by others, because it’s different from what the tribe expects.

Humans have evolved and succeeded (until now) through cooperation, communication, and social signaling. So these expectations are very deeply ingrained in us.

I am borrowing here from the therapeutic approach known as RO-DBT (Radically Open Dialectical Behavior Therapy).  RO-DBT addresses a number of conditions characterized by over-control, including OCPD. It posits that openness, flexibility, and social connectedness are necessary to pro-social signaling, all traits that people with OCP tend to lack.

For example, you might think that your silence and flat expression convey nothing. They say everything. The person faced with another’s flat expression will often experience it as hostile or disapproving.

Other aspects of pro-social signaling include facial expressions such as raised eyebrows (which can communicate concern), touch, eye contact, nodding your head, and responding, with simple verbal gestures such as yes, u-huh, ummm, and oh.  When you don’t do at least a couple of these things, the person you are talking to will probably start to feel uncomfortable because the lack of response is not typical of behavior in the human tribe.

To you, these gestures may seem like frivolous niceties: unnecessary, disingenuous, and a waste of energy. To others they are essential to feeling connected.

Whereas you are focused on completing a task, others are more likely to be focused on whether or not you are relating to them and whether you respect the rules of the tribe. Most people expect some sort of signal to denote safety or approval. A smile, perhaps. But that may not be on your agenda. So they experience you as Darth Vader from Star Wars.

Coach Alice Chilton: A Misunderstood Perfectionist Learns Some Social Skills

In order to make this less abstract, watch what happens when Alice Chilton meets Ted Lasso in his most recent television series.

Alice is an assistant coach for a women’s soccer team and she’s cold as a Saskatchewan winter. I’m convinced that the writers studied my blog to come up with the character. She perfectly illustrates the Teacher/Mentor/Boss type of compulsive, whose authority and capacity to lead may be used productively or destructively.

And that’s the drama of the show.

The writers for the show set up a question for us at the beginning of the series: Can Coach Chilton learn enough social skills to earn her place as head coach? Can she learn to be more empathic and less critical? Can she become a healthy compulsive?

Alice never smiles and is always demanding. She’s determined to coach The Right Way and she expects all of her players to play The Right Way. She’s extremely critical and unforgiving. Her coaching pushed one talented player to quit. Chilton called her a lazy cow.

She has no sense of humor, and she stands on principle.

Her preparation is thorough and very professional, though often over the top. She’s very protective of the players, and cares about them, though never with a gentle touch.

No-one understands her. She is a swan among ducks.

But Ted Lasso, of course, sees her strengths and potential. He sees what’s underneath her rigidity and meticulousness. He sees the passion for football, the pain from her own injuries, and her considerable skills.

When first faced with her flat face and abrasive style, Ted continues to smile and begins to break the pattern of conflict too often experienced by people with obsessive-compulsive personality. Still, she continues to be so demeaning to the players that Ted suspends her for a few games.

Chilton has been passed over for the head coach position, possibly because she was a woman, but also, probably because she has not cultivated the social skills she needs for the position.  She confronts the team owner about being passed over, perhaps with justification, but certainly without skill. She does it pointedly, putting the owner on guard.

After a heart-to-heart with the “lazy cow” player she had previously been cruel to, she begins to realize that her behavior hurts others and is not getting her what she wants, so she decides she wants to “open a new pathway to life.” She makes a commitment to change.

One aspect of her plan is to say “yes” more often. As we would expect from someone so driven, she approaches her task in typical, unyielding OCP fashion and says “Yes,” to everything that’s asked of her, including things she should be saying “No,” to. On balance it’s a win for her though as people start to see her just a little differently. Ted teaches her to add the word “and” to her “yes”, and she begins to achieve a more balanced approach.

Her partner suggests that she should communicate to the team players how much they mean to her, a sentiment no one would have surmised. So, she makes an effort to socialize, and even acknowledges how she has been an “asshole” in the past. She learns to show that other people and the team are important to her.

Her gradual transformation is one of the sub-plots of the series. I won’t spoil the ending, but I’ll just say it’s definitely Ted Lasso style.

At least in Coach Chilton’s case, social skills can be learned, and they are beneficial.

Suggestions for Social Skills

There’s nothing that says you have to change your behavior so that you look like a duck, act like a duck, or quack like a duck.

True, if you don’t change, you could lose your job or your partner, and you may not be as effective in reaching your goals.  But those are all choices. You have the right to remain different, even if difficult.

But if you do want to sharpen your social skills so that you don’t lose what you have, and so that you can achieve what you want to achieve, recognizing,  the difference between yourself and others is the first step. And you need to do this without judging ducks or swans. The world may actually start to make more sense when you do. And it may help you to relax a little.

With that settled, here are the ABCs of improving your relationships with the ducks:

Affirm.

Appreciate the benefits of differences.

Ducks have good qualities too. They aren’t rigid. They are adaptive, versatile and sociable.

Say positive things as often as you authentically can.

You know, like complements?

Listen to others before correcting them.

Their mindset may be different, that doesn’t mean it’s wrong. Be willing to acknowledge they are partially right, apologize when you’re wrong, and work toward resolution.

Express interest in what others find interesting.

When you converse, be aware that others may find other things interesting, things other than productivity, right and wrong. Things like people and fun.

Bend.

Don’t expect others to live up to your standards of perfection.

Don’t try to make ducks into swans. They don’t have the same need or capacity for perfection and detailed observation.  Badgering them will only hurt your relationships.

Be flexible.

Give yourself mental points when you let others have their way. Your connection may well be more important than being right.

Don’t expect others to move with your degree of urgency.

For many of you this means not imposing your sense of impending doom on others.

Don’t expect others to move at your speed of perfectionism.

The slower speed caused by your thoroughness and meticulousness may not work for other people. It may even drive them crazy. You may need to prioritize productivity over perfection. This can apply to work projects or getting to the movie on time.

Don’t impose your frugality on others unless it’s necessary.

How much are relationships and friendships worth to you? If you need to, quantify their value to you and act accordingly.

Communicate.

Say what you value. Don’t assume that you come across as you feel or intend, or that your good intentions are clear.

Being good and being right is the pond you swim in. Others just see a marsh there. All they see are the results that may be hurtful to them. Even couples who have been together for decades misread each other. But don’t communicate it defensively.

Don’t always insist on telling the whole truth and nothing but the truth.

Complete disclosure isn’t always necessary or effective. Beware of that sharp knife. It can cut. Others may be more aligned with feelings or connection than you are, and less aligned with righteousness or productivity.

Tone down your authority by 36 percent.

Many people have been hurt by authority. You may see it as a tool for good. That may not have been their experience. It’s not just what you say but how you say it. If you are going to encourage change, first acknowledge what they already do well, and cap it off with what they already do well.

Speak the love language of others.

Your love language, probably acts of service, may not communicate love to others. Consider what conveys love or respect to them and speak those instead. Time? Touch? Gifts? Affirmations?

Respond. Don’t just go into your head.

Silence is not golden. You might need to say, “I’m thinking about what you said.”

Use pro-social, non-verbal communication to engage.

Turning to the side, folding your arms, looking elsewhere and not making eye contact may convey disrespect or disinterest. Instead, face the other person, make eye contact, and be more physically demonstrative.

Over the summer two different musician friends gave me hugs when I was not at all expecting it. It has made a world of difference in our musical work together.

*   *   *

Remember: Affirm. Bend. Communicate.

Find your swan-people. Check out the OCPD Support Group on Facebook.

For an even more in-depth look at the obsessive-compulsive personality, check out our new book published by the International OCPD Foundation: OCPD Revealed: Eight Traits¦ Two Perspectives. It’s a collaboration between founder Darryl Rossignol and myself, offering two perspectives on OCPD, one clinical and one deeply personal.