The thing you once wanted became the thing you have to do — and the moment it did, it stopped being fun. Psychotherapist and Jungian analyst Gary Trosclair calls this the Should Effect: the quiet process by which self-discipline replaces desire with rigid obligation. You start with a choice, and end up with a commandment — enforced by an internal “hit man” of humorless self-discipline that was supposed to help you, but now runs your life. Drawing on three decades of practice, this episode explores how driven, perfectionistic people lose the very thing that motivated them:
🎯 The anatomy of the Should Effect — how a want becomes a must, and why self-discipline so often turns tyrannical
🔪 The “hit men” metaphor — the internal enforcers you hired to reach a goal, and how they go rogue
⚖️ Means vs. ends — when the method (control, discipline, perfection) becomes more important than what you actually wanted
🧭 The cost — lost joy, “demand resistance,” and the slow disappearance of your sense of self
🌊 The way back — recalling your original intention, trusting yourself more, and reframing “musts” as choices
Whether you’re a high achiever watching your passion turn into a chore, or just exhausted by the endless tug-of-war between what you want and what you “should” — this episode offers a different way. Not more discipline. More contact with your desire.📖 Also available as a podcast — search “The Healthy Compulsive” wherever you listen.
For people who are stubbornly perfectionistic, obsessive and compulsive, change can be hard to come by. Particular personality traits that can be positive can also manifest negatively. In this post we explore six of the main blocks to change, including, avoidance motivation, impatience, magnifying difficulties, unrealistic goals, being too cerebral, and clinging to the safe benefits of old ways.
This essay explores how perfectionist and obsessive-compulsive personalities construct “fortresses” to avoid humiliation, embarrassment, and shame. Through vivid stories and cultural examples—from Steve Jobs to Michael Jackson—it identifies four compulsive types (Boss, Workaholic, People-Pleaser, and Obsessor) and shows how their strategies both protect and imprison them.
A related and more specific unhealthy motivation that can seize people who are obsessive-compulsive and perfectionist is trying to avoid humiliation, embarrassment and shame. It’s a very limiting life strategy.
Is burying the past holding you back? Most of us live as if we are still in the past without being aware of it. Discover how understanding your personal history can help you reclaim buried strengths, rewrite limiting stories, and live more freely in the present.
Insecurity is often the cause of people becoming unhealthy compulsives rather than healthy compulsives. It’s as if life were a test and, fearing we will fail, we resort to rules, rigidity and control to prevent failure. It can be so prevalent, yet so hard to see, that it’s like the air we breathe. But rather than trying desparately to pass the test, we can take a pass on the test, and adopt ways of living that have more meaning.
Life is not easy, and we actually make it harder if we imagine we can sashay through it effortlessly. But we can also make life more difficult than it needs to be by imagining that the path forward is steeper than it really is. To make life easier let’s explore the effect of the “Mountain Mirage,” its causes and its cures.
The Varieties of Insecure Experience Throughout my book, blog and podcast I suggest that insecurity...
