Perfectionism Burnout and The Myth of The Total Couch Potato Collapse

I’ve heard too many patients say, “I’m afraid that if I let go and relax, I’d never get up from the couch.”

Many of the people who say this have bought into the myth of the Total Couch Potato Collapse. It leaves them living in rigidity, and eventually to perfectionism burnout.

The myth goes something like this:

Once there was a mighty princess, who was always, always, strong, compassionate and wise. Her subjects loved her, for she was always, always, fair in all she did. People came to her from all over the land for healing and counsel. She was always, always, available to her subjects.

But one day, feeling overburdened by an unusual number of Knights in Distress who needed rescue from their foolish ways, she decided to take a break.

She lay down on a beautiful bed of soft green moss and took a nap. She had never taken a nap before, and she liked it very much, so much in fact that she decided to take another one. And another. And another, until the Knights in Distress were lined up for miles down the road waiting for her ministrations.

But the princess was no longer fazed. She had changed, changed so much that she no longer cared. Instead of being a mighty princess, she had collapsed and become a Total Couch Potato, dull and lethargic. Once she let go by taking a break from her duties, she crossed over to the dark side, losing all of her empathy, sense of duty and energy.

This only proves what we all knew already, that a nap is a gateway drug to far more dangerous behaviors.

The Knights eventually all collapsed from Distress, and along with them, Civilization collapsed. Mile-a-minute vines and cockroaches took over. Never again were humans heard or seen.

I’m not kidding! This cautionary tale is the story some people live by! Understandably, they never take a break because the consequences are so dire!

I using myth here in the negative sense, of something that is often believed but is rarely true.

This story wears black and white thinking very well. Either I’m a heroine or I’m a totally collapsed Coach Potato. There’s nothing in between, like an ordinary human being who simply does his or her humble bit in the Big Drama.

The myth of the Total Couch Potato Collapse is based on catastrophic thinking, which has been shown by science to be founded on fabrication.

In other words, don’t fall for it.

The Varieties of Nap Experiences

Now, by “taking a break” I’m not just referring to naps of the somnolent kind. I’m also referring to breaks from:

• enforcing moral rigidity on ourselves and others,

• financial prudence

• perfectionism

• order

• control

• planning

• exercise regimens

Just to name a few. There’s no end to the imaginal calamities we can create for ourselves.

For some it takes the form of never letting themselves feel good about themselves, otherwise they’re vulnerable to a fall from grace. Remember Icarus, the guy from ancient Greek myth who fell into the sea because he flew too high? That’s the story in the back of our minds. Never, ever, be conceited.

But I should say, there are some situations where this sort of all-or-nothing thinking is in our best interest. Believe me, if I were an alcoholic, I’d be frightened to death, with good cause, of taking a sip of champagne on New Years Eve.

And some people are very good at rationalizing sips, breaks, delays, avoidances, and indulgences of many flavors. If that’s you, stop reading this post immediately, get back to work, and behave yourself.

But for most of the perfectionist and obsessive-compulsive people who read this blog, indulgence is not the problem. So, listen up.

From the Garden to the Couch

This reminds me of another popular story, one that’s at the core of our identity.

Once upon a time a man and a woman lived peacefully in a beautiful garden. They had Tutti Frutti FroYo whenever they wanted, they never had to wait in line at the DMV, and they went to Taylor Swift concerts for free.

They could eat whatever they wanted. Except, except, the big beautiful golden apple. For years they restrained themselves, until finally one day, the man, tired of eating FroYo and going to Taylor Swift concerts, decided he couldn’t hold out any longer. His defenses collapsed and he ate the apple. Since misery loves company, he also convinced his girlfriend to eat some of it.

And just like that it was all over. Life had been beautiful–until he let down for that one moment.

Someone, we don’t know exactly who, pointed their very large finger down from the heavens and said, “Bad Human! Outside! You’re expelled!” Both the man and the woman were forced to leave the garden.

From then on, they saw themselves as totally flawed, and they lived unhappily ever after in shame. All because of that one moment of weakness.

The moral of the story is never, ever, let go.

Notice the black and white thinking. God, or whoever, could have said, “Look, you guys messed up big time, but I know you’re not all bad, so you can come back to the garden on Mondays, Tuesdays and Thursdays, from three to seven.” But they didn’t say that.

I contacted God’s communications office for comment, but they declined. According to this myth, when it’s over, it’s over.

The Hidden Narrative of Perfectionism Burnout

You might find my examples flippant. But they aren’t as meritless as you might think. We carry within us narratives that say that if we don’t adhere to our responsibilities and follow the rules rigidly, Something Terrible will happen. The basic narrative takes many forms, but the warning is always the same, “Keep being strictly good–or else.”

Research in cognitive psychology suggests that we carry within us implicit templates—schemas, or internalized stories—that shape our behavior even when we’re not aware of them. We don’t all think consciously about the myth of the Total Couch Potato Collapse, but for many of us it operates in the background, like a computer virus, building up more neural connections that make us rigid and destroying the ones that help us to be more flexible.

Reasonable minds could debate whether these narratives come from religion, parenting, social media or corporate culture, but many of us have this computer virus marching manically in the background, spewing data that surreptitiously persuades us to keep our noses to our grindstones.

As a result of this fake news, some of us keep to the straight and narrow and never allow ourselves to take a nap, figuratively or literally.

I’ve counseled previously that breaks, vacation and leisure are scientifically proven to improve our well-being and cognitive functioning. But the myth of the Total Couch Potato Collapse prevents us from taking advantage of such breaks.

Objections: Interruptions Are Inefficient

But I know what you’re thinking.

You’re recalling the 2014  study out of Michigan State University which indicates that interruptions can derail our train of thought and delay task completion, therefore breaks are inefficient, ineffective, and, at least in your way of thinking, maybe even immoral.

Yeah, you cite that study to justify cracking the whip to keep going on that project even though your body is protesting mightily. You’re ignoring the fact that this research was measuring interruptions of seconds, in tasks that took minutes, not interruptions of tasks that took months or years of attention.

Please excuse my further flippancy. Here’s my point: we like to cherry pick the evidence to rationalize our adherence to rigid rules. We feel more comfortable with inflexibility. And we like having things resolved and perfect. Taking breaks seems contraindicated for those goals.

But reason and science say otherwise.

Do this begs the question. Why do we rationalize our rigidity as if otherwise we’d fall apart?

Reasons for Rigidity

Most people are certain that their behavior would change once they collapsed into Couch Potatoes, but they’re not so certain that their feelings would change. That is, they might quit working, but they wouldn’t stop feeling guilty for not working.

We fear the self-attack that would come if we take a break, even more than we fear any real-world consequences. We can’t imagine being changed completely like the Fierce Princess who found her calling as a Couch Potato. While you fear your inner Couch Potato would completely take over your behavior, you fear it would not completely take over your mind. Then you’d be stuck with bad behavior and a punishing mind.

Another reason that we rationalize our rigidity and buy into the Total Couch Potato Collapse myth is that it feeds on itself. And yes, we’ll take fries with that, because the longer you wait to take a break, the more hunger you feel for it, and the more frightening it feels to consider taking a break. Understandably, when you’re that hungry, you don’t trust yourself to eat reasonably. You wouldn’t be able to eat just one Lays Potato Chip. Better to eat none.

And wait, there’s more. If you spend years in rigidity, rigidity will become your precious identity.

Sammy’s Body Collapses in Perfectionism Burnout to Avoid Feeling

Take Sammy for example. He was a rock star in his tech start-up. But he was a failure at personal self-care. Start-ups never stop, so Sammy never stopped. He had lots of excuses for working overtime, but his real motivation was just to keep moving.  He said he was like a great white shark, if he stopped swimming he’d stop getting oxygen. And living without oxygen doesn’t go so well.

So then rigidity set in.

Sammy lived so as to avoid the Total Couch Potato Collapse. For him productivity was his oxygen, and without it he would die. Better keep moving and producing.

But there was more to it than that. What no-one noticed was that underneath his need for productivity was his need to avoid feeling or thinking about the loss of his mother. It had been two years since she died, but things had not gone well between them, and he felt horrible that he had not resolved things with her. He feared that if he slowed down long enough to feel it, he’d crumble in tears. Stopping to reflect on any feeling, much less grief, had never been part of the family culture, and situations like this brought out their most rigid defenses against slowing down.

(By the way, this is another common fear, if I start crying I’ll never be able to stop. It’s never happened.)

It was also hard for Sammy to slow down because he was so tired he feared he’d never get up, and because this was just Who He Was. He didn’t want to lose that!

But because he could not stop for his body, his body kindly stopped for him. His rigid insistence on working constantly brought about the very thing he feared. He burned out. His body rebelled and would not go back to work. He collapsed and became a Total Couch Potato.

Similarly, we may justify buying into the myth of the Total Couch Potato Collapse when what’s really going on is that we fear we’d experience certain feelings we’d rather not talk about if we slowed down.

*  *  *

Civilization has survived coffee breaks, naps, weekends, lunch hours, sabbaticals, and the invention of the recliner. While many have fallen prey to the myth of the Total Couch Potato Collapse and become in order rigid to avoid falling into to it, no-one who feared the Total Couch Potato Collapse has ever collapsed totally and permanently.

Rest easy. It was all fake news.

Here’s some real news: The Healthy Compulsive: Healing Obsessive-Compulsive Personality Disorder and Taking the Wheel of the Driven Personality.