Rather than start by me micromanaging you and telling you how bad micromanaging is, let’s start with a little story about the benefits of not micromanaging, of trusting others to learn and succeed without our constant interference.
Contents
Go Ahead and Fume
When my brother, sister and I were roughly ages 12, 10, and 8, we told our mother that we wanted to smoke cigarettes. She said, “Sure. I’ll be right back.” She bought us a pack of Marlboros, gave us a book of matches, sent us out to the back yard, and told us to have at it.
Which we did.
Yuck! Gross! Disgusting! None of us ever smoked again. My mother’s willingness to let us experience the pleasures of smoking on our own was wise and has served us well. She didn’t need to micromanage us. She trusted that by letting us experiment we’d learn for ourselves more than from any lecture she’d give us about the evils of smoking.
And we learned lots of other things from experiencing them directly ourselves. Our parents used a bottom-up approach rather than a top-down approach.
I remember another episode in which, as a child, I was convinced that I knew how to cook sloppy jo sandwiches. From scratch. Once again, my mother let me try and fail. Yes, we wasted some ground beef, but I gained really valuable humility about being so inflexibly certain.
Neither of our parents were micromanagers. As much as they could they were hands off. And it paid off. Their trust is one reason, along with lots of psychotherapy, that I’m usually able to stay on the healthy end of the adaptive/maladaptive compulsive continuum, despite being gifted with lots of obsessive and compulsive tendencies.
What is Micromanaging? Breaking Horses
The concept of micromanaging originally applied to, well, management, you know, like businesses, companies and stuff like that wherein bosses go overboard telling their employees how to do their job when the boss really has no idea what he’s talking about. But awareness of that concept in the business world hasn’t stopped us from micromanaging everywhere else.
Micromanaging happens when we tell people how to do detailed tasks when they don’t need to be told, without respect, and without listening. It means directing whatever we surmise needs directing, consequences be damned.
The etymology of the word “manage” is related to the word “hand,” and its active use. Originally it applied to handling horses. If not managed properly horses are of no practical use to humans. But while it’s true that horses need to be “trained,” it’s best done as a bottom-up, collaborative venture—not a top-down exercise of authority.
I’ve never trained horses, but I’ve learned from those who have. From what I can tell, healthy respect for the horse goes a long way in getting it to do what you want it to do.
Monty Roberts, the real horse whisperer, had this to say about managing horses:
“I must let the horse choose to be with me. I must communicate in the horse’s own language, and invite the horse to join up with me, to follow me because he wants to. Not because I forced him.”
Micromanaging occurs when we lose that sense of respect and collaboration, and instead try to control. Too often we fear the horses of life getting out of control.
Today we will be exploring how to determine when we are effectively managing and when we are micromanaging. Hint: it’s not just whether you manage others, it’s also how.
Drawing the Line
As obsessives, compulsives, perfectionists, and Type A’s, we may feel that things should be a certain way and feel compelled to intercede to guarantee they are that way. It might seem like there is good reason to do this, because we tend to look very far ahead and see the consequences of not doing things properly. So, understandably, we do our best to prevent disasters, which may include telling others what to do and how to do it.
This can be a Good Thing. Or a Bad Thing.
Years ago, when I was first imagining what The Healthy Compulsive Project was going to look like, I asked my wife, also a psychotherapist, what she thought the most important thing to tell compulsives was. She said, “It’s fine for them to be meticulous, but don’t expect other people to be the same way.” So, she tolerates me arranging the silverware drawer in a reasonable, practical, convenient, efficient, and aesthetically pleasing manner, but, appropriately, would not tolerate me expecting her to do the same.
She quickly put her finger on the dangerous potential of micromanaging, and it’s a distinction at the heart of being a healthy compulsive. And, as she later pointed out to me, there is more than one “right” way to do things.
But where do you draw the line? Where does “managing” cross over into micromanaging by being annoying, offensive, counterproductive, or even dictatorial?
Surely this doesn’t mean you can’t ever give advice, guidance or corrections. That would be micromanaging yourself. After all, my wife can learn a thing or two from me as well. So here are some guidelines to help you know when you are crossing the line.
6 Signs You Are a Micromanager
- You frequently feel internal pressure to tell people what to do, even when it’s not necessary.
2. You feel you know better than others how to do most things, and you tell them in a way that implies general superiority rather than specific knowledge.
3. People sometimes get annoyed with you because you don’t inquire or listen before telling them what to do.
4. You have difficulty delegating and you take over many tasks yourself because others wouldn’t do it as well as you do.
5. You give corrections on trivial matters.
6. You insist on others reporting details to you.
Examples of Micromanaging
Here are some examples of micromanaging:
• Telling your husband to take the next turn even though after 27 years of driving the route to grandma’s house he knows it perfectly well.
• Telling a team member that the font needs to be 11 points rather than 12 when they’ve been maintaining this same spreadsheet for 5 years.
• Telling your wife she needs to put more water in the tomato soup she’s cooking.
• Wasting time getting your elementary school students to sit up straight when that’s only going to last 7 seconds.
• Correcting the online customer service bot’s grammar.
Saying:
• You missed a spot.
• Don’t forget to….
• When are you going to….
• Here’s the right way to….
I cringe to recall this….but….In high school I was first chair trumpet in the concert band and I would conduct the other 15 trumpet players from my seat with my horn as we were playing. I would gesture to tell them when to start notes and when to end them, as if they couldn’t read music and as if there wasn’t a conductor on the podium who was already handling that responsibility perfectly well. Classic micromanaging.
Why Do We Micro-Manage?
To better manage our managing it helps to recall our original intentions in instructing others, and sort out which ones are adaptive and which are not.
Not Trusting Others
We may feel motivated to tell others what to do because we simply don’t trust them to get it right. We’ll rope that horse insistently because we see it as a dumb animal rather than the sensitive soul it is. Just because others aren’t as perfectionistic as we are doesn’t mean they can’t grasp what needs to be done.
Felt Responsibility
We often feel a sense of responsibility for controlling the future. Preventing disasters such as souffles that don’t rise, missed turns, and less than perfect spreadsheets seem like a moral imperative.
The teacher/leader vs. boss/bully type of compulsive is the most likely one to fall into micromanaging because their default is to tell others how to do things. This can sometimes serve as an avoidance of their own issues, but the felt responsibility to prevent disasters is at least as powerful.
Inadequacy and Scarcity
If you have feelings of inadequacy and scarcity you may be more inclined to micromanage: if I don’t control everything, I won’t have enough money, time, respect, love or tomato soup. Many compulsives insist on efficiency for this reason, and will direct others to prevent it.
Chaos, Disorder, and the Unresolved
We may be overly sensitive to things that feel “not just right.” We may fear that if we don’t micromanage chaos, disorder, or situations that are unresolved, they will overwhelm us.
What’s Bad about Micromanaging? Don’t Mess with Me.
Attention to detail is welcome in places like surgery, engineering and Mozart string quartets. Getting it right is important, and you may have essential ideas to contribute.
But even there, how much you manage, and how you speak to others partly determines whether they will take your direction. Overmanaging can lead to them not listening to you, and may determine whether the patient survives, the bridge collapses, or the delicious little melody the viola has doesn’t get drowned out by the violin.
People who have obsessive-compulsive tendencies are very good at seeing details, but not the big picture. The big picture includes the quality of relationships and well-being, and micromanaging may sacrifice those.
Believe it or not, other people usually don’t like being controlled. Sure, some people would prefer to have you do all the hard work and make all the decisions about what sort of cheese to put on the pasta, how to build a fire, and what time to leave for the flight. But most people prefer their peace and autonomy and don’t want you messing with it.
If you constantly look over someone’s shoulder, give them detailed instructions, distrust them, and make mountains out of molehills, it will discourage creativity, diminish morale, and disrupt relationships. It may even lead to them ignoring you. It brings about the opposite of your desired effect. Productivity, responsibility and ingenuity all decrease.
Be aware, as well, that however benevolent your motives may be, you may be experienced as critical. You may not come across as you imagine.
The more I’ve thought about this, the more I’ve come to believe that the term micromanaging is a misnomer, because the problem isn’t just the size of the issue at stake (micro, trivial, etc.) and more about its quality of your intervention (disrespectful, oppressive, etc.,). It’s one-directional rather than collaborative.
Macromanaging: Seeing the Big Picture and Choosing Action Based on Values
Managing is essential. Micromanaging is not. I can’t draw that line for you explicitly, but I will suggest some ways that will help you to know where the line is for you.
Set Priorities and Values
Set your priorities, choose your battles, and be clear with yourself about what your values are. What’s more important, having enough tomato soup or your marriage?
Is the state of the trunk of your car really at the top of your list? Yes, I know, you feel better when it’s organized. But you may cause a lot of collateral damage if you lecture your son for not keeping the grocery bags on the left rather than the right.
What’s the macro picture? Manage that instead.
Assess the Practical Consequences
What do I fear happening if I don’t tell this person what to do? Do the costs of directing outweigh the benefits? Might you be unintentionally discouraging initiative, creativity and responsibility by directing?
There may be a short-term benefit of micromanaging, but are the longer-term expenses (resentment, loss of creativity and initiative) worth it? It probably won’t lead to the disaster you imagine if you don’t intercede, but even if it does, a long-term cost-benefit analysis usually puts micromanaging on the losing end.
Assess the Emotional Consequences
Recall a time when you were micromanaging someone, telling them what to do in detail. How did that feel? Now imagine letting go and letting them do what they think is best. Which feels better?
This may take some practice, but over time I’ve come to realize that letting go often feels better for myself, as well as for them.
Avoid Reckless Responsibility
If you are motivated by pressure to take responsibility for the outcome of a task, ask yourself what your real responsibility is for: the fonts on the spreadsheet of the overall wellbeing of your company. There is much more to that than fonts. And is it really your job to be police person to the world?
Ask and Listen
Notice the phrases you use when you start telling others what to do. Do they imply listening and respect, or disregard and condescension?
Ask them first about how they are proceeding with a task. What is their thinking about it? Do they want any feedback?
Beware of Urgency
Is it really imperative that it gets done now? I’ve observed in far too many couples that the conflict isn’t necessarily about how it gets done, but when it gets done, leading to more disagreement than is necessary, and more work for marriage therapists than is necessary.
Trust Others
Ask yourself, “Is this an out-of-control horse that needs managing?” Respect and trust breed better behavior, responsibility, and relationships.
This whole subject of micromanaging raises too many important issues about trusting others for me to cover in this post. But I’ll leave you with a story that just might persuade you to give over a little more agency to others the next time you have chance.
Let Them Choose
This story is from The Canterbury Tales by Geoffrey Chaucer, and is called, “The Wife of Bath’s Tale.” So that means it has endured for at least 600 years, which should give it some cred. Since women’s liberation wasn’t exactly a thing back then, the story is remarkable for its insight into what women, specifically, value. But let’s not limit our interpretation to gender roles here: this is about the benefits of letting others choose how they live.
In the story, a knight has been sentenced to death for raping a woman. But, if he can figure out what women most desire, he will be spared. This assignment is designed to make him listen to and respect women. To see them as beings with their own feelings rather than objects to be used.
After searching obsessively for an answer for a year he is becoming hopeless. He must have been pretty thickheaded. Anyway, he meets an old woman who promises to enlighten him–if he agrees to marry her. He reluctantly consents.
Once they’re married, she tells him: “I can stay old and ugly, but I will be faithful. Or I can be young and beautiful, but I might be unfaithful.” The knight tells her that the decision is hers. Pleased with his flexibility and his openness to what she wants, she rewards him by becoming both beautiful and faithful.
At least as important, he came to value women as beings with their own needs and desires, rather than forcing his will on them. And this enriched him as well.
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