While people pleasing might feel heroic, it can actually hurt your relationship.
In a recent post I wrote about the importance of flexibility in having a good relationship. In this post I’m going to argue the opposite: the importance of not being too flexible and not bending yourself around the supposed wishes of others.
People pleasing isn’t unusual, but when people with compulsive personality traits launch into it, their drive and perfectionism magnifies the problems it creates. This especially applies to a particular type of compulsive personality, the friend/servant/follower type, that I described in a previous post.
It might seem contradictory that I’m describing someone who is compulsive as too flexible, since compulsive people are known to be very rigid. But some become rigid about their “flexibility:” no matter what anyone tells them or how bad it is for them, they’re going to march forth with heroic determination to do what they think others want of them. These compulsives use all their drive and meticulousness to become accommodating in order to avoid disappointing others, to avoid making them angry, and to avoid getting in trouble.
The danger is that the resentment that results from people pleasing can be just as powerful as the energy that went into pleasing.
(While I am writing this largely for people who have compulsive personality traits, it may also apply to the partners of more bossy compulsives. Even if you don’t meet the criteria for OCPD (obsessive-compulsive personality disorder) you may have put drive and determination into trying to please someone with OCPD. That can make for a painful combination if you take too much responsibility for accommodating them.)
If you want to change this pattern, you’ll need to understand your motivations and to really see the results of it clearly.
Contents
Motivations
People Pleasing as Compensation for Insecurity
If you feel inadequate, you might try to compensate by using your abundant energy and diligence to give people what you imagine they want from you so that they’ll like you, and not be disappointed or angry with you.
On the surface this might seem nice and friendly, or even noble and the “right” thing to do. And it can be. As with everything we do, motivations to please others are mixed. Most of us have some genuine desire to help others. But the insecure motivation can take over and infect that genuine desire with an edgy intensity–need rather than desire.
People Pleasing to Prove Yourself
A related motivation is the anxious need to prove to ourselves and others that we’re good by being overly flexible. It’s human to want to be liked and respected, but if we betray ourselves to get that respect, it may backfire.
People Pleasing as Control Strategy
A need to control situations may also motivate us. We imagine that if we give others what they want, then they’ll do what we want. That doesn’t sound so bad at first, right? Maybe not, but too often the other person never signs on the dotted line and they don’t hold up their end of the fantasy “bargain.” Some people just can’t be pleased, some are always disappointed and angry, and some love to punish others, even if they’re trying their best.
But if you’re compulsive, you probably won’t let this stop you from trying to please.
Resentment ensues.
Results of People Pleasing
Here are some of the side-effects of people pleasing, some of which may occur without you being aware of it:
• You don’t get to do what you want to do and you become very unhappy.
• You become dependent on the opinions and actions of others. You lose any creative initiative you might otherwise have had to offer and don’t allow yourself to pursue individuation.
• You end up becoming a martyr, and you may feel like a victim of what you see as the unrealistic demands of other people. You get the consolation prize of being able to blame others for your unhappiness–when you really chose it yourself.
• You become passive aggressive to quietly “express” your resentment about what others “should” or “should not” be doing.
• Once you begin to feel resentment you’ll naturally want to protect yourself by putting up emotional boundaries. Your relationships become flat and stale.
• You may leave relationships rather than trying to negotiate within them.
While you might be determined consciously to be generous, another part of you may go on strike against your conscious intentions with unhealthy behavior.
Angel Meets Dean and Hits a Dead-End
Angel was the teacher’s pet as far back as she could remember. Never troublesome, she made it a point not to cause her distracted, single mother any grief. Not only did she get straight A’s, she also helped out whenever she could. Always a go-getter, she was always go-getting for others.
When she met Dean, she knew just what to do to make him happy. She could be perfect, look perfect and do perfect. She liked him and wanted to make him happy. It seemed to work well… At first.
Eventually Angel started to notice that Dean wasn’t as generous as she was. Sure, he’d do anything she asked him to, but it wasn’t like he thought a lot about what she wanted. She felt that if he didn’t think about what she needed, and do it without her having to ask for it, he didn’t really care about her.
Dean was different from Angel. He said what he wanted, pursued it directly, and imagined that everyone else did the same.
Angel had imagined that if she made it a point to give him what he wanted, he would do the same for her. This was her way of proving to both of them what a good person she was, and of trying to control things. But neither one was working.
She resented his “self-centeredness” and, without realizing it at first, began to distance herself from him. But this left her feeling lonely and at a loss. She didn’t know how to operate without pleasing other people.
In fact, when she thought about it, she had lost track of what she wanted because she had become so attuned to the wishes of others.
Re-Directing Your Drive
Giving up this strategy can be really scary—like jumping into the water when you don’t know what’s below. It could be really dangerous.
But this is known territory. Others have done it and you can too. Chances are that you’re mostly frightened because you’ve always operated by people pleasing, and jumping into the water of independence is completely unfamiliar.
Yes, you might lose friends. And yes, it might upset your relationship with your partner. But you may want to consider whether friendships and relationships that require you to betray yourself should be saved.
If you decide that you do want to change, here are some suggestions:
• Know your motivations. Be clear with yourself about what motivates you when you over-extend yourself:
• Trying to feel better about yourself?
• Convincing others you’re worth their attention?
• Making sure things go your way?
• Ask: Is it worth it? Remind yourself of the consequences of people pleasing. What’s most important to you?
• Take responsibility. Let other people know that you realize you’ve been trying too hard to accommodate them. Tell them that you don’t want to lose the relationship but you feel that you need to stop being so flexible—partially because you’re concerned that being too accommodating could actually hurt the relationship in the long run.
• Clarify what others really want. Check out with them what they really need and want from you. You may have misread them. Do they really want you to acquiesce to everything they want? Just because they say they want something doesn’t mean they expect you to make it happen.
•Set boundaries and say no. Good fences make good neighbors.
• Make healthy substitutions. When you’re trying to let go of a strategy like people pleasing it helps to have something else to put in its place. In this case more self-respect and self-reliance may be your best bet.
•Pursue your goals directly. Rather than trying to pass your wishes through others and have them come back to you in return, go after what you want directly.
Angel Changes Her Strategy
Angel complained to a friend about Dean. It was clear that she really liked Dean, even if she did complain about him. Seeing this, her friend decided to challenge her.
“What do you think Dean wants from you? Maybe be doesn’t expect you to sacrifice what you want for him. He’s very different from you. He just says what he wants and goes after it. Dean can take care of himself. Maybe you should do the same.”
Angel took a chance and asked Dean what he really wanted. Yeah, he liked it when she did all this stuff for him, but he’d actually rather her be a little more independent. That was what was important to him.
Ironically, not working so hard to please him was much more pleasing to him.
She tried this strategy with some friends, and not all of them responded so well. But it was worth it to sort out who really wanted the best for her.
This is a simplified and shorthand version of what happened, of course. But eventually she developed a stronger psychological core, with more connection to her own desires. And that was pleasing to her.
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