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The Healthy Compulsive Project: Help for OCPD, Workaholics, Obsessives, & Type A PersonalityThe Healthy Compulsive Project: Help for OCPD, Workaholics, Obsessives, & Type A Personality
The Healthy Compulsive Project
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partner with OCPD

How to Get Along With a Partner With OCPD (Compulsive Personality)

June 20, 2018 Posted by Gary Trosclair 130 Comments

A partner with OCPD (obsessive compulsive personality disorder), can be really difficult to live with. They usually aren’t aware how extreme their rigidity has become and are often convinced that they’re right all the time. Their perfectionistic, controlling and workaholic tendencies can leave you feeling criticized, run-down, and abandoned.

But with intention on their part and support from others, people with compulsive tendencies can change and become great partners—loyal, hard-working, dependable, and conscientious.

For those of you who want to try to work out their relationship, I’ll suggest seven steps to help you and your partner deal with the challenge. None of my suggestions are intended to blame or hold the partner responsible for the situation.

Before I go through these seven suggestions in more detail, here are two key ideas to keep in mind as you consider them:

  1. Appeal to the part of your partner that really wants to do the right thing. That’s at the core of the compulsive personality, however skewed it might have become. Their rules were originally meant to protect people, but they’ve put the cart before the horse. Once they recognize that nurturing their relationship is also the “right thing” to do, they can channel their energy into the project.  This appeals to those with compulsive personality, and can help them move to the healthier end of the spectrum.
  1. Still, you’ll need to sort out what is and is not within your control. In very severe cases of OCPD there may be little you can do to help them change other than urge them to get professional help. And you should not tolerate abuse of any sort. But in all cases you’ll need to focus on what you can do to improve not only your relationship, but also your own life, rather than waiting for your partner to change. As we’ll see below, this can actually help your partner change.

(I am adding a note here almost 5 years after originally posting this. Crucial to understanding your partner and your situation is to understand what type of OCPD you are dealing with. They are not all the same: very different types of people can all meet the criteria for OCPD. In brief, these are leaders or bosses, workers or workaholics, servers or people-pleasers, and thinkers or obsessers. Some of them are harder to deal with, and some of them are more likely to change. Your compulsive partner may be very different from someone else’s compulsive partner. This is particularly important to be aware of if you decide to give advice to others. Please read my post about the different sorts of compulsives from May, 2020, here.)

Contents

  • 1. Foster Communication With Your Partner with OCPD
  • 2. See the Intentions Beneath the Surface
  • 3. Appreciate the Good
  • 4. Encourage Your Partner with OCPD to Get Help
  • 5. Avoid the Division of Labor
  • 6. Set Boundaries
  • 7. Create Your Own Support System

1. Foster Communication With Your Partner with OCPD

Compulsives don’t always communicate well. They’re often too busy fixing the world to bother saying what they feel, and their behavior implies that they feel indifferent or critical. Worse, since they’ve spent much of their life “doing” rather than feeling, they may know very little about what they actually feel. None of this means they don’t care; it means that they’re consumed with getting things done—ironically, maybe even getting things done for you.

None of this justifies bad behavior, but don’t assume that they don’t care or that they can read your mind. If you do, it will just make matters worse. You can break this cycle by starting with curiosity: “Do you know how that makes me feel? Did you mean to make me feel bad?”

Strike while the iron is cold. If your partner is reactive or over-sensitive, it’s best not to try to have a discussion when they’re upset. Their rigidity and perfectionism probably get worse when they’re under pressure. Tell them you want to work it out with them when they feel calmer.  Find a time when they’re less upset to engage. There will never be a perfect time, but if they’re overwhelmed with fear or anger, they may not be able to communicate well. If you can ask them about their intentions when they’re calm, you might be able to enter into a constructive dialogue.

2. See the Intentions Beneath the Surface

Extreme compulsiveness is the way some people who are naturally driven try to cope with their anxiety. When they’re upset their energy and good intentions get hijacked by their fear that they won’t meet expectations and that they will feel shame. Even when they look like they have it all together, underneath they’re probably feeling very vulnerable. It may be hard to imagine how disturbing this is for them. If you can keep this in mind, rather than taking their behavior personally, it will be easier to break the cycle and to find creative solutions to your disagreements.

3. Appreciate the Good

Perspective determines the quality of all relationships to some extent. You can choose whether to focus on your partner’s shortcomings or their strengths. If you can remember the good things they bring to the table, it will help you immensely.

It will also be helpful–to both of you–to tell your partner you appreciate it when they do something that feels good to you. If they do let go of control, spend time with you, say something nice, or slow down and listen, tell them that you noticed it and that you value it. That makes it more likely to happen again.

I find it helpful to understand people with OCPD as “driven,” which is far less pathologizing and can help them be more receptive to feedback.

4. Encourage Your Partner with OCPD to Get Help

People who meet the full criteria for OCPD usually don’t think that they have a problem and resist getting help. It can be hard to get them to go to counselling or therapy, but here are some suggestions for framing it in a way that may appeal to them.

• Explain that the reason for them to get help is not a matter of their under-functioning, but of their habitual over-functioning. This is not a matter of weakness, but of excessive strength. They need a professional to interrupt that pattern.

• Convey that you know they want to do the right thing.

• Recommend other articles on this blog to help them see their strengths and challenges so they might feel less criticized and more open to change.

• Help them understand the impact they have on others.

• Point out the impact their lifestyle has on their own physical and mental well-being. They may be oblivious to how they’re treating themselves, and that they could be healthier and happier than they are.

• Point out how their control actually gets in the way of their goals.

And now let’s focus more on you.

5. Avoid the Division of Labor

Be wary of the division of labor in which one person is serious and demanding while the other is easy going and accepting. One brings responsibility, self-restraint and reason, the other brings joy, emotion and spontaneity.  If you expect your partner to do all the organizing, providing, and limit-setting, don’t be surprised if they get very grumpy.

Imagine a spectrum from extreme compulsivity to extreme casualness. Imagine that the further one person in a couple goes toward either end, the other person automatically moves toward the opposite end. Now imagine that one person moves toward the center. The other will usually also move toward the center.

It’s also not fair to you to be cast into a limited role; your own psychological well-being is compromised if you’re supposed to stay in the less driven end of the spectrum. Are they living out your ambition for you? Is it possible that you feel uncomfortable with your own strength and anger and you have them express it for you? Or, on the other hand, are you expressing all the anger for them?

You might find it rewarding to allow yourself some ambition and pursue your own accomplishments. And you might find it empowering to own your own anger in a constructive way. If you can resist the division of labor, it may help the compulsive to move more toward the center of the spectrum.

Another danger is that you could take a victim role in response to their hostility, control, or over-working. Ask yourself honestly if there is anything you get out of the situation. A badge of courage? Has it been safer or more comfortable to have someone else making all the plans and decisions and taking all the risk? It may have allowed you to avoid responsibility that you’d rather not have to deal with. Also, for some people, tolerating egregious or hostile behavior may feel like a virtue, when it doesn’t really help either of you.

Still, it will be important for you to value what you bring to the relationship: don’t forget the good things you do offer that are very different from what they offer. Their demeanor may lead you to underestimate what you mean to them.

6. Set Boundaries

But even after communicating, understanding and appreciating, it will still be important to set boundaries. If your partner has been diagnosed with OCPD, that should not be used as an excuse for offensive or oppressive behavior. If they want to be perfectionistic, workaholic or controlling that’s their choice, but they should not impose their standards on you. Seek compromise that takes into account what’s hard for both of you. Try not to give in to unrealistic demands.

Don’t let their condition become the focus of your life. It could become a distraction from your own challenges and happiness. If you find yourself talking and thinking about them all the time, set an intention to focus on what is within your control: change either the situation or your attitude toward it.

7. Create Your Own Support System

Having friends, a therapist, or a support group is particularly important if the compulsive person in your life is demanding.   A support network can help you to keep track of what’s reasonable. Ask your friends for true reality checks. Getting validation for your feelings is completely appropriate. But if you simply want them to validate how you see things, your appraisal of the situation, it may not help change things much.  Asking trusted friends for honest feedback about what your partner can reasonably expect of you can help keep you grounded.

*   *   *

Being close to someone who is compulsive has its challenges and rewards. Appealing to their deeper, positive inclinations, and keeping the focus on what is within your control, may help you enjoy more of the rewards.

________________

For much more information on OCPD, check out my book on Amazon or Barnes and Noble. If you think it would be helpful to others, please leave a review.

And, if you’d like to get all of my posts when they come out, click that subscribe button below or on the right side.

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  • Zhaan
    · Reply

    February 26, 2019 at 10:35 PM

    Hi.
    I’ve been married to a person who I strongly believe has OCPD for 13 years. I has Gorton progressively worse, possibly due to the fact that I now have a chronic disease.
    Can OCPD lead to emotional abuse and if so can it be changed?
    My partner is highly resistant to any feedback no matter how calmly or rationally stated

    • Gary Trosclair
      · Reply

      Author
      February 27, 2019 at 8:50 AM

      Hi Zhaan. It does sound like you are in a very painful situation. Though it is difficult to say anything or give any advice about your particular situation, I can tell you that left untreated OCPD does tend to get worse, and it is possible that they could become emotionally abusive. Your having a chronic disease, however, should not be cause for them to get worse. It will be important to get support for yourself to make sure that you are not hurt in any way. Whether it can be changed depends a great deal on the willingness of the compulsive partner. It is not at all unusual for people with OCPD to be resistant to getting help, either individual or couples therapy, but, in addition to the suggestions I’ve made in this post, that may be the best shot you have. I hope things improve for both of you.

    • Nooshin
      · Reply

      January 1, 2021 at 2:15 AM

      Hi there ,
      Untreated ocpd has gotten wurst and worst in situations that I have seen in my own friends life .
      Glad you are reaching out

  • Barry Cohen
    · Reply

    February 28, 2019 at 5:00 PM

    Thanks for your post. It is one of the few I’ve read/seen on OCPD to hit the spot!

    It’s been 22 years since our first (of 4) child was born and my wife wrote a list of my flaws. I saw the list for the first time two years ago. Three years ago I sank into my first depression. I believed that I had failed at everything…including finding a way to please my wife. In fact, as sole provider since 1995, the weight of responsibility took its toll.

    It has been a three-year journey back to life…as I finally was able to put her perfectionism, endless lists, distant reactions, withdrawal from “us”, and constant judgement in a proper package. I journied from thinking she was a “gas-lighter”, abuser, narcissist, and just plain mean…to finanally OCPD.

    I’m back. The dark cloud is gone. While there is sadness for the carnage, lost time/opportunity, and impact on our kids…the haze has cleared. And, I’m here to help in any way I can…by helping those still learning about OCPD whether in private practice or in research. As I’ve read consistently, OCPD is real, yet poorly researched. I’ve now read most (from Rowland to Yudofsky).

    I have all the evidence: list of my faults from 22 years ago, the inane and endless lists to things-to-do, and the contemporaneous notes and thoughts from our arguments, interactions, and the entire journey…and how it all began. Feel free to contact me. I’m happy to help. No charge. If you know of relevant research going on, I’d appreciate the opportunity to share with others.

    Sincerely,

    Barry

    • Gary Trosclair
      · Reply

      Author
      February 28, 2019 at 6:15 PM

      Hi Barry.

      Glad to hear that you’ve been able to get out of a painful situation. And glad to hear my post was helpful. Hopefully your note will inspire others.
      Best,
      Gary

      • Eve
        · Reply

        January 31, 2023 at 3:42 PM

        I was married for 3 years and a half to my husband diagnosed with OCPD. the description of the disorder sound much like him but are other things differently. He lied a lot even that he it is completly against dyshonesty and have strong prejuices against people who not follow his moral standards. I truly tried to take control of my responsabilities but he will get angry, mock or critice my perfomanc, specially if I did not come to him and ask for his “help” to double corroborate what I did was correct, I had to exlude him to certain things because I felt the joy of my life was vanishing and he was getting angry that I did not do things exactly as he wanted. He catalogue me as stubborn and lazy. I felt he expected me to read his mind and when I asked questions, he will get angry or yell at me. Basically treat me like I was stupid or I wanted to start a fight by asking questions when he was not in the right mood. He pressured me to do things I repeatitly said I did not want too, and told me I was overlysensitive, because I cried many times. With time he started getting rage attacks. I left him. He promise so many times he was going to change and even wrote in a wall a list of how he needed to treat, to remember such as:
        Be kind
        Supportive
        Patient
        Stop controlling her
        Trust her

        He thought this list was an excellent way of me noticing he was outting effort but I found it disturbing he needed a list to treat his wife with respect.
        It is so difficult to find information about OCPD and abuse in interpersonal relationships. Is any article available in relation to these?

        • Gary Trosclair
          · Reply

          Author
          January 31, 2023 at 5:27 PM

          Sindi I am sorry to hear about the pain you suffered while trying to work things out with your husband. From what you report, it does sound like he was at the far, unhealthy end of the compulsive spectrum, and perhaps there were other mental health issues as well. It is very hard to change such behavior without professional help. I do not know of any writings specifically on OCPD and abuse. Perhaps other readers will have suggestions. But even if we try to understand OCPD, abuse should not be tolerated. I am glad that you are taking care of yourself and protecting yourself. Good luck in your recovery.

    • Basil
      · Reply

      March 21, 2019 at 6:56 AM

      Hi Barry. I have been married for forty years and recently my wife was diagnosed with OCPD. I am struggling to cope with her ways and when I look back ten years what we actually went through is rather scary. She was so demanding and wanted everything to be done her way. I would give in eventually just for the sake of an argument. She and our daughter, who lives in another country, came to visit us and the two of them had a huge argument in front of the grand children and I was so heartbroken about this incident. It was a year later that she was diagnosed. Need some advice how to deal with her.
      Basil

    • HealingWounds
      · Reply

      April 26, 2019 at 3:15 PM

      Barry, how can you be reached? I think we share a similar experience, but you are miles down the road.

    • Lexie
      · Reply

      December 31, 2019 at 12:27 PM

      Hi. I’m lexie.. I have a boyfriend and he has OCPD.. I feel just left out.. I have to make sure hes okay 24/7, I try to help him be calm. Tried to get him to get help but doesn’t listen. So far I thrown myself out of the picture. I lost self love, I have gotten deeper into depression. I gave him lots if time and I was very calm with him.. he’s mean, hurtful, and I feel like I fail everything..

      What i don’t wanna hear is “move on” or “think about the relationship, maybe a breakup” be cause I wont think about it. He is my one and that’s it? Nothing will change that. I don’t even think about breaking up with him. But something needs to be done, I’m now stressed and irritated about the way he runs his pattern. Please help…

    • Jeff
      · Reply

      June 20, 2020 at 7:32 PM

      This really shines light on my situation. Thank you.

    • Becky
      · Reply

      July 20, 2020 at 9:50 PM

      Hi!
      I agree OCPD is poorly researched!! I am married to an OCPD spouse
      I’m so tech not savvy! Have I responded to Barry?
      Thanks!
      Becky

      • Star
        · Reply

        June 1, 2023 at 11:15 AM

        I think my boyfriend of 5 years has OCPD. I’m miserly myself, but he takes it to the extreme. He had a desk chair that was over 15 years old, all tatered, busted, and falling apart. I wanted him to throw it out, and cited that sitting in a worn out desk chair can cause long-term health problems and the appearance of it reminded me of trash. He argued with me and said I could buy him a new chair, but he won’t spend the money himself. (This guy is 27 and makes 6 figures). Well, his mom bought him a new chair, but his old chair is split in half and still sitting in the living room till this day. I’m afraid to clean because he yells at me when I move his items to new spaces or discard broken items. There is black mold in the bathroom and thick crust of grim/dust on all of his surfaces in his car and room and kitchen, which is causing me anxiety and is harmful for our health. I asked him to hire someone to clean and get rid of the mold, but he keeps blowing me off and says it’s okay to live like this and that I am wrong and dramatic. I believe that the mold is causing my ADHD and his anxiety symptoms to become worse. His 2019 car has dents, is encrusted with pollen, expired registration of 3 years, and warning lights. I told him to fix his car and that i fear for my life because of the warning light. He says im being dramatic and it took over a year of agruing to get his car registered. The warning light is still on. His gym clothes smell from a mile a way, and he refuses to throw them away. The foot of his heater was broken, which cause the heater to touched directly on the ground causing a fire hazzard to the whole community because he lives in a condo, it was a huge argument to get rid off, he of course said i was being dramatic. He was using a comforter full of holes as curtains, so i bought him black out curtains for his birthday and he refused to discard his comforter and said I was being dramatic because I wanted a nicer atmosphere. The broken heater is now sitting outside on the porch after 2 years of not using it. He is addicted to a substance and working out (he has a 6 pack full of abs). He has a strict diet and won’t eat pizza, cheese, bread, or anything with over 1 gram of sugar because its his quote “unhealthy.” But refuses to take anti-depressants. He has a strict schedule and horrible sleeping problems. He gets out of bed multiple times a night and I have to stay under the covers to be on my phone because the light bothers him. He is a workaholic, he logs in during his paid time off when we are spending quality time together. I have ADHD, clinically diagnosed at 7, so I am pretty tolerant of mess, like i have been kicked out of living situations because of my disorganizion, but I can’t even stand the filth building up in his place that I find myself cleaning and in constant state of anxiety. Cleaning usually ends up with him being annoyed with my cleaning process and argumentative towards me. You know how hard it’s for a ADHD person to clean? He is not even appreciative of it. His brother has autism. The list goes on…

    • Dena D Bowen
      · Reply

      September 14, 2020 at 11:21 AM

      Barry,
      Did you leave? I have OCPD. I desperately do not want my family to leave me.

      • Tim Holm
        · Reply

        March 20, 2023 at 8:48 AM

        After trying to explain hundreds of times, the emotional effects of my wife’s behaviour, from the constant criticism and perfectionism, to the endless emotional unavailability, extended trips away with work, I expressed my need to leave a few days ago. I’m not going down the legal route – she can keep the house, the money and every possession 🙂 They can be managed exactly the way she wants it all the time. I’m going to be getting an apartment, and unfortunately paying a second mortgage, which will be difficult to manage… but I can at least provide a stable environment for my 2yo son, and show him that he can be himself, and doesn’t need to be perfect. At the moment, he has an OCPD mother and a chronically stressed dad with shredded self-esteem – fixing that is worth losing everything material for. Probably an alien concept for those with OCPD.

    • Mike
      · Reply

      December 10, 2020 at 2:24 PM

      Hi Barry,
      I would like to talk to you and share experiences. Please email me (mbdeich@gmail.com) or provide me a way to contact you.

      I strongly believe that my wife has OCPD. She was formally diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder. But I’ve recently realized that her father has all 8 criteria in the DSM manual….even the hoarding. I could use some dialogue with someone who has lived through a similar experience.

      Mike

    • Chris
      · Reply

      December 18, 2020 at 11:16 PM

      Hi Barry, i think i am in the same situation could we possibly chat

    • Richard
      · Reply

      December 21, 2020 at 4:05 PM

      Heya Barry.

      If by any chance you read this and able to help me. I’ve just discovered my partner very well could have OCPD but I fear it might be too late as we going through a real rough patch. Have a daughter involved and want to make things work. Wish I had known about this sooner.

      Feels like there’s very little support online regarding the subject.

    • Kat
      · Reply

      April 24, 2021 at 12:07 AM

      Hi Barry,

      I would really love some help. Your post here just gave me chills. Especially the part about “gas-lighter”, abuser, Narcissist…..the other day our family therapist brought up OCPD and it’s been a total lightbulb moment for me. Not only that but things look almost slightly hopeful for once. I think I may be understanding why I’m still here. If you see this and you can email me – katkalkofen@gmail.com. I would take any resources I could get my hands on. I have a son who is depending on me. Thank you.

    • Don
      · Reply

      May 2, 2021 at 10:10 AM

      I believe I am in a similar situation and need some guidance.

    • Becky
      · Reply

      December 18, 2021 at 10:20 PM

      Hi Barry
      I am married to a severe OCPD partner and would appreciate any feedback. It has been extremely difficult to find any support for the partner married to the OCPD spouse. Gary has been an amazing resource but if you have additional ideas I would welcome them
      Thanks for your offer of support from Gary’s previous article
      Thank you
      Becky

    • Leevi
      · Reply

      December 28, 2022 at 2:59 AM

      Hey, man I’d just like to get some opinions from you and maybe some guidance…mother of my child I was with for 5 years reverse discarded me or at least made me feel that way in the end…and she’s now with her coworker and it’s been a year and we are now no contact cause she just can’t see how bad she’s affected by her disorder.

    • Heather Lord
      · Reply

      September 5, 2024 at 9:48 PM

      Hi Barry. It’s been years since this post however I would like the opportunity to chat if you are still open to share your knowledge.

  • Al Lands
    · Reply

    March 15, 2019 at 10:48 AM

    Dr. Gary,

    Great article thank you much for sharing. I wish I had the strength in me to take that gentle approach you so patiently lay out here. Do you have more of your articles/papers, or audio/video on the OCPD?

    I’ve been married for 20+ years, a victim of my wife’s continuous onslaught, years of abuse, years of therapists, sadly none of them spotted her as the OCPD she is, only a few years ago did I – on my own – finally discover the condition of the OCPD and it changed my whole view of her and my reaction to her acting out. But it’s still a war zone. She HAS gotten way worse. I wish there was a 12-step for OCPD – CoDa is not direct enough for my OCPD – and an in person support group for the victims of them…

    “AND WHAT ABOUT THE CHILDREN..????” my biggest source of pain is to see how my kids suffer from her, and me not knowing the best things to tell them – about their moms condition and her insane behavior, lack of empathy, lack of showing love, etc etc …

    So much more to write, but the public internet is not the safest place… [hence the in person meetings I wish we have].

    Barry, my Jewish brother, I’m so in the same boat, please do contact me (allands360 at the big G), would love to meet and discuss strategy.

    • Gary Trosclair
      · Reply

      Author
      March 15, 2019 at 8:26 PM

      Hi All Lands.

      Thanks for your note. At this point everything I’ve written regarding OCPD is on this site…I do have a book coming out next January…meanwhile, I don’t know if you saw this post regarding children. https://thehealthycompulsive.com/compulsive-parents/

      Regarding your own kids I think the best that you can do is to stress to them that she is doing the best she knows how, but empathize with them that her way must be very upsetting at times. While it is hard to watch, remember that kids are generally resilient and often use this sort of situation to develop more resilience.

      I hear from so many spouses who struggle to work with their OCPD spouse. It’s very painful, and frankly, in some cases sad that there is so little we can do if they won’t engage in therapy or some other way. It sounds to me like you are bringing the best that you can to the situation. I hope she finds her way to healing.

  • EMA
    · Reply

    April 27, 2019 at 11:49 PM

    I am wondering how to go about even mentioning OCPD to a spouse that really thinks everyone else is wrong? I have noticed it has gotten worse over the years and even transferred to other things. First I was a target and now that the kids are older, it’s like they are his target. He brings them down, not physically but verbally just draining to the point I just want to kick him out of the van or the house and give us all a rest. He took an OCPD online test that came out 80% likely to have OCPD. He admits something is wrong but won’t say that this is it. He knows he has a problem but will always go back to “well it’s not as bad as my dad”. Frustrated. ????

  • Swapna
    · Reply

    April 28, 2019 at 3:22 PM

    Dear Dr.Gary

    Thank you so much, Your article is very different and focusses on the solution of how t to deal with the OCPD’s. Usually articles online is about the difficulty we face while dealing with the OCPD’s which I am facing already. I have been married to my partner for last 10 years and we have 2 kids, it was very recent that I came to know that my husband is an OCPD we went back to our hometown almost in order to get divorced because we were not getting very well with each other. We had a discussion with both of our families and looking at his abnormal behaviour they suggested me to take him to a psychologist, it was very difficult to convince him to meet the psychologists but when his mum and sister spoke he got convinced. There we both spoke to the psychologist about our problems and that’s when I discovered that he had this personality disorder..I completely changed my attitude towards him.stopped arguing kept mum. He verbally and physically abused me but once I said stop it do not hit me this is the 5th time you are hitting me after coming back from hometown, very surprisingly he stopped hitting me. Our life is like if 1 week is good then 2 weeks are bad.He keeps dragging unnecessary things for 1/2 weeks. I went to the GP here but she said that she needs to meet my husband but he doesn’t agree to meet her. He says I need help and should treat myself. I am happy to go for a treatment if I have any disorder. My life has become a hell. He keeps abusing me all the time. Please can you help.

    • Gary Trosclair
      · Reply

      Author
      April 29, 2019 at 1:50 PM

      Dear Sweet 29,

      I’m sorry to hear about the hell that you are going through. I can’t say much more than I have in the post, but I will suggest that you consider getting help for yourself. That doesn’t mean you have a “disorder” but that you are in a very difficult situation that you need help getting out of. My hope is that you protect and take care of yourself, and consider whether the relationship is in you and your children’s best interest if you are being abused. Psychotherapy can help you to find the strength and awareness to make difficult decisions and take actions that you were not able to take before. We want you to feel confident that you can take care of yourself so that you can do what is best for all of you.

      I hope this is helpful.

  • David
    · Reply

    July 10, 2019 at 6:15 PM

    Been married for 24 years to someone who I now suspect suffers from ocpd. We have split twice and now living apart but may be coming back together again . I love her but it has been hard to be blamed for everything while she maintains she is the “normal one” and has no self awareness of her issues. I want to find a way to not react with anger to her criticisms and control. The first time we split I left because of a build up of resentment. We were on a camping holiday mid afternoon and in quiet mode . I wanted to put the kettle on for a cup of tea and she forbade me !

  • Me
    · Reply

    July 14, 2019 at 9:04 PM

    Thank you for this website!

  • Janet
    · Reply

    August 9, 2019 at 6:10 PM

    I have a daughter in law that is not yet diagnosed with OCPD, but has all the characteristics. She always presented as the perfect wife, mother and daughter in law. A few weeks ago she had a public melt down directed at my husband over the way we care for our 1 1/2 year old granddaughter. We allowed her to sleep 15 minutes over the allotted 90 minute nap. She refused to communicated with us and sent a hateful lecturing email demanding an apology. She refuses to go to counseling with us or to even communicate. The worst part is she is keeping our granddaughter from us which is absolutely heartbreaking for us. She will not even allow FaceTime or any contact. Now we fear that our son is so scared to make any moves on his own, we may lose him too. Is there a way to communicate with her or him to move forward?

    • Gary Trosclair
      · Reply

      Author
      August 18, 2019 at 3:17 PM

      It’s very difficult for me to give advice at a distance, but the best way in, once you have chance again, will be to acknowledge how much she cares about her daughter, and that you know she wants to raise her mindfully. Unfortunately you don’t have a lot of leverage here, and she sounds very protective. If you can remember that she wants to do the right thing and may well be very frightened underneath her perfectionism, it may help her to feel more comfortable with you. From what you’ve told me here, this is the way she handles her anxiety. I hope you can all work it out.

  • David
    · Reply

    August 20, 2019 at 6:43 PM

    The outbursts can be quite extreme but it does help to focus on the cause as being fear and anxiety usually under some stressor. I have been married for 24 years to someone who I have only recently recognised as suffering from OCPD. It’s been liberating to realise the conflict has not been my fault after all. She is very loyal and I want to find a way forward with her. We are living apart but still together. She has no insight into her behaviour and I have no plan to break it to her that she needs help . I wish there was more help out there

  • Elly
    · Reply

    September 29, 2019 at 7:11 AM

    My partner has all the characteristics of OCPD and our 14 year old daughter shows some characteristics especially with school work and team work.

    We recently had an argument when I was in another country to him and felt in immediate danger having tried to phone him several times on his mobile, I phoned his work and his boss answered and I asked if he could ask my partner to phone me urgently. When I did speak to my partner he got so annoyed he said we had finished and has now blocked myself and our daughters phones. He had said that I should not ring his work before but I have tried to explain the situation I was in but he is not interested.

    I do love him and with my issues of insecurity I just need to talk it out. I have sent four messages letting him know I love him which he read then blocked me. Two longer messages explaining what had happened in this other country trying to explain why I broke his rule and called his work. He is working away and I am not sure if I should drive the 200 miles, write a letter or just leave him to it.

    My daughter and him have a strained relationship.

    I have tried to find a support group for partners of OCPD people but to no avail.

    I want to try and make the relationship better as he is a good man, he is not violent or mean he just has very narrow parameters that I sometimes go out of. I have never discussed OCPD with him. I know his family who he is cut off from believe he is a sociopath. I know this is not true as he feels empathy, love and kindness. He thinks he is a “plain talker” I have tried to explain this can come across as hurtful but but he is not bothered. He works away in a service industry and is always sending me copies of reviews where he has been mentioned. I always try to praise him (as it I am genuinely proud of him).

    Not sure why I have put all this and there is plenty more I could write but this is not meant to be disparaging of him or for me to look for pity.

    I truly would appreciate your advice on if it is best to leave him for a while or to try to concact him to just let him know I love him?

    • Gary Trosclair
      · Reply

      Author
      October 4, 2019 at 6:07 PM

      Hi Elly. Sorry for the delay, for some reason comments are going to spam.
      I wish I could give you definitive advice regarding your partner, but that’s not a decision anyone can make for you, especially when they haven’t met your partner. It sounds like it has been a very difficult relationship, but a few things you may want to ask yourself: if you were to leave would the overall loss be better or worse than staying with him? Also, ask yourself if there is anyway that you can find other ways to support yourself and build your own security. it sounds to me like you are each triggering the other, and possibly something about your dependence and insecurity rubs him the wrong way. This is not about right and wrong, but about how to manage the particular fit between the two of you. Hope this is helpful. Good luck.

  • Elly
    · Reply

    October 3, 2019 at 4:18 AM

    Hi.

    My partner I believe has ocpd. At the moment he is not speaking to me and has blocked all communication. (He is working away) he believes I broke a rule where i phoned his work. I did but it was in my mind an emergency. It has been a week I have sent him a message by email every day reassuring him that I love him but still no answer though he is reading the emails. Should I just stop contacting him or still reassure him each day that I am here when he feels ready to talk again? I feel I am probably doing what I would want but would rather deal with the in a way he can process.

  • Patrick
    · Reply

    October 4, 2019 at 2:47 PM

    “I wish there was more help out there.”
    Well said David Aug 20 2019. As a 33yr veteran partner of an OCPD sufferer I can identify with much of the above posts and article. What I am noticing though is that it gets worse with age, it is magnified x a large factor if the partner of the OCPD person has made financial errors in the past. In my defense I was chasing a big risk big return seeking an accolade of praise from my partner. two things, the investment, turned south and I knew nothing of OCPD. You can NEVER please or appease an OCPD sufferer, so do not try.
    3 of our 4 children are married and take her in small controlled doses and support me with compassionate understanding, because no-one understands OCPD outside your home. The 4th child lives at home, has taken her traits so I get OCPD in stereo 24/7.
    Another trait I have noticed and funded is her ability to find the latest “health” guru solution to her chronic ailments. Each guru lasts 6 months, the next guru is found, funded and the cycle continues.
    Thousands of $ and no solution. Occassionally I have secured Psych assistance for her but inevitably she returns home having convinced the Psych that it is I who need the Psych as all the reasons for anything toxic in our relationship are mine not her’s and NO she does NOT have OCPD!
    The escalation of many of the behaviours with age mentioned above is in a couple of areas
    1: Prolific, explosive and very loud outbursts of swearing. Like you would hear in an army barracks!
    2: Violent outbursts involving kicking the metal kitchen bin (because the cat vomited)
    3: Less restraint when our childrens partners are in the house as she verbally berates our children for minor infractions. Our weekly family dinners stopped 2.5 years ago.
    4: Micromanagement that involves vindictive efforts to “punish” me. This manifests in food management. Our son has a seperate fridge.
    I have one shelf of the joint fridge, she has the rest of the joint fridge and if I take one of her celery sticks that justifies a long lecture about how I should get my own food and leave her food alone and how much that celery stick cost.
    I work 50 hours a week as in a full time professional job, I have to do all my own cooking, as we do not share meals, I have to do my own washing and ironing and I do the house vacuuming and keep the bathroom and my separate bedroom clean ( we have not slept together for over 3 years) . She works 18 hrs a week and complains prolifically about being SO busy with gilfriend catch ups, grandchildren and shopping for her food.
    5: Any thread of compassion that may have been there dissappears. One of my coranary arteries is 100% blocked and i survive on collateral arterial system. This means I have 50% of my normal capacity and often suffer chronic/acute exhaustion. Her OCPD response is to not trust my cardiologist, because she knows better or lecture me on her latest “health” finding that I should adopt because it will fix me.
    6: Pets (we have 2 cats) get more food, love, attention, affirmation, touching and conversation than I do.
    7; Spending controls that were tight get tighter. Our third just got married so I needed a new jacket the EXPLICATIVE LADEN OUTBURST at me for having the audacity to buy a new jacket went for over an hour and the ice blast is still reverberating and the wedding was over a week ago. I should have been happy with the second hand jacket in the cupboard.
    8: Less and less capacity to accept feedback re her adverse impact on those around, so we rarely if ever have visitors at home because she hates her home.
    My coping? Me looking after me?
    Sink myself into helping ppl at work, relating to normal ppl in the workplace. Being treated respectfully by support staff, although when ppl are nice or ask me how I am then I am finding it hard to hide the 33 years of pain, broken heart and exhaustion, in fact I am worried I will loose it one day and have a complete breakdown or my heart will just stop from exhaustion.
    So I go to the gym and be around fit ppl as I potter and excercise on my own.
    Go for walks.
    And i keep saying “Yes” and enabling her becuse to fight or explain to an OCPD from any angle is futile…having said that I like the article above and I will test some of the tips.
    Thankyou for reading
    Patrick

    • Gary Trosclair
      · Reply

      Author
      October 4, 2019 at 6:09 PM

      Glad you like the article, Patrick. Hope the tips have helped.

    • Anon
      · Reply

      May 10, 2021 at 4:33 PM

      I so hear you on this. All of this. I’m basically a “pet” only here to raise the kids. The odd piece outside of the perfectionist trait is putting up with everyone of your numbered points but just found out he has been cheating for two years. I can’t wrap my mind around this one but he still feels as if he did nothing wrong. I lost the love of my life to this mental illness but at some point I had to take care of my and the kids well being. This last revaluation sort of made it “easy” but I have moments where he’ll meltdown, be abusive and I get to back away and find unimaginable relief that this is no longer my problem. It’s all I have, losing him was an ENORMOUS loss and I didn’t recognize OCPD until about a week after we broke up. I for some reason was interested in working on us but he’s so completely indifferent, is not sorry and says I’m not entitled to the facts. And is “team building” against me for recording our agreement through the courts. There’s literally nothing I can effectuate. It’s so sad but I can’t control other people. The house has been relatively light now besides the initial shock. I do wish you luck.

  • Patrick
    · Reply

    October 4, 2019 at 7:15 PM

    Gary
    Can my name be “Patrick”
    only
    I’m fearful if my partner or family see my full name
    Serious implications!
    Thanks for the site
    Ciao
    Patrick

  • Rosie Z
    · Reply

    October 17, 2019 at 6:55 PM

    My husband has OCPD and knows that he does. He sought treatment for 23 years to no avail. He refuses medication or further treatment as he had things under control for a while. He was single up to the age of 46 and then decided to get married. I am a widow of 3 teenage children. The stress of the family responsibilities over the last 4 years of marriage is too much for him. He also suffers from depression. He loves us all very much, but he cannot expect less than perfection from everyone. If things are not perfect he heats up right away and belittles everyone even if you are not involved. I have lost friends due to his nature and now he is putting a wedge between my sister and I. He said she is no longer welcome in our home as he felt insulted by her comment when she was trying to defend me from a loud scolding outdoors. He has immediate family that he no longer communicates with and a small circle of friends. His constant yelling is something he hates, but it is also taking a toll on my children and I–physically, mentally and emotionally. I want to help him, but the verbal attacks are very difficult to take as life was very mellow and peaceful previously. We are guests in our own home and constantly under the microscope. How do I help him, or is he beyond help at this point? he said that he has sacrificed a lot to be with our family, but when I ask what, he cannot give me an answer. I am really at a loss on how to approach him.

  • Paula
    · Reply

    December 27, 2019 at 11:46 AM

    I am reading this & IDK how I came upon the acronym of OCPD today but I can’t express my relief that I’m not going crazy & imagining the bizarre details my partner of 8 years’ does – like re-organising the kids’ food cupboard that he professes to hate due to the high sugar content of many of the foods. The never ending re-organising of cupboards that can strike day or night. Days of intense cleaning & organising for Xmas – by the time Xmas arrives, I feel like I want to hide away some place away from him. Not being allowed to put any food in the shopping trolley & accidentally doing so only to be shouted at in the supermarket that there is not the room in the fridge.
    I could go on. And on.
    I am not going to stay. I’ve given 8 years of love & loyalty & he has no understanding that I am just a frequently unwanted guest in the home he insists is his only. Legally it is & I accepted that but he tells me “It’s my house!” & after 4 years of that, everyday, I’m beat.
    Heart broken, as I believed he was the love of my life & I have to start again age 52. He is physically abusive too – its much safer not to ever disagree or argue that he is abnormal.
    Best wishes & love to all those who are paralysed as I have been.
    Reading your honest & heart-breaking stories’ makes me realise my partner will not get better,only worse as he has in recent years.
    What noble lives people live of such stoicism.

    • Anon
      · Reply

      May 10, 2021 at 4:52 PM

      I hear you, so much. I was frozen, 4 kids, 2 year old twins, 5 year old with behavioral problems and a teenager. He could not handle big life and was hurting us across the board. He was my forever I never thought twice about sharing children and life with him, like I said in a previous comment I came to OCPD realization too late. I simply modified our lives to an extreme to stay away from home on weekends if he wasn’t on duty. I got “lucky” to find he had been cheating since the twins were born so that decision to break up was made for me. It’s a cruel sickness without much comfort for those left behind. If there was willingness to work together that’d be different, without it they own you. (This is my house, take the kids and get out if you don’t like it)…I’m hopeful we just land on our feet and I feel for you at your crossroads. Good luck

  • Marie
    · Reply

    January 8, 2020 at 12:14 AM

    Dr. Gary –

    “Once they recognize that nurturing their relationship is also a “right thing” to do they can channel their energy into the project.”

    Do you have some suggestions for things to say to begin this conversation/bring awareness to it?

    • Gary Trosclair
      · Reply

      Author
      January 8, 2020 at 8:43 PM

      Hi Marie. That’s hard to do without knowing both partners, but I would suggest something like “I know you want to do the right thing, and that our relationship is important to you. I think that fixing our relationship is a good goal. Can we stop blaming each other and see our conflicts as the problem that we need to attack together? Can we be a team?” Of course this won’t always work, but your mindset and how you communicate can make a difference. Don’t assume the other person wants to hurt you, but that, so far, their rigidness has been the best way they knew to try to help the relationship. I hope this helps.

  • Kelly
    · Reply

    January 12, 2020 at 9:14 PM

    Hi Gary,
    Your article is fantastic as are your replies to others struggling in relationships with those who have OCPD.

    I suspect my husband has OCPD. He has most of the symptoms of the disorder but also seems to lie often and mostly when I’ve challenged/questioned his behavior.

    The lying frequency seems like gaslighting as it leaves me questioning my memory of events, what was said, etc. He also makes excuses for why he didn’t follow through on plans or agreements we made. Seems rather passive aggressive. He also has a hard time admitting to mistakes & gets defensive easily.

    My main question here is if you think lying/gaslighting is common among those with OCPD?? What function does such behavior serve?

    Thank you so much!

    Kelly

    • Gary Trosclair
      · Reply

      Author
      January 13, 2020 at 6:23 AM

      Hi Kelly. I’m glad you like my post and hope it’s been helpful. I’m also sorry to hear about the difficulties you’re facing with your husband.

      It’s really hard to say much without knowing your husband, but I can’t say that I’ve found lying to be a typical characteristic of OCPD. In fact, conscientiousness is a defining characteristic. It is possible that he has aspects of another personality disorder that complicate his OCPD. However, defensiveness is often a characteristic of OCPD in my experience. There is an intense need to be right which may lead them to defend at all cost. As you can imagine there may well be insecurity and anxiety beneath all this. I would also imagine that his need to be right could lead to self-deception. Here is a link to an article I posted on HuffPost about the subject. So this issue could be more about lying to himself–from an evolutionary point of view it has been adaptive to convince others that something is true if we beleive it ourselves. This could account for what appears to be gaslighting. Still, hard to say from a distance.

      Hope this helps and good luck.

  • Kelly
    · Reply

    January 13, 2020 at 10:21 PM

    Thank you, Gary, for your prompt reply. It’s helpful to me that you’ve not experienced lying as typical among those with OCPD. I’ve wondered if he may have narcissistic or borderline traits as well. It gets pretty confusing!

  • Stef
    · Reply

    January 14, 2020 at 8:19 AM

    Great article.
    Just thought I would leave my 2 cents here – as a 27-year-old male who’s been diagnosed with OCPD and ADD.
    There is only one aspect I would want to qualify regarding characteristic traits of people inflicted with this strange (personality –emphasis added) disorder: every personality is different; thus every person with OCPD will be different.
    Not insinuating that there aren’t generality in the behaviours, as many of them listed in the article applies to me as well. What I’m getting at is the differences between people with OCPD is the severity of symptoms and behaviours and not the presence or lack of any of them. For example, in the comments there is this theme of living with OCPD people and them being Cold and Callous and lacking understanding, me personally I feel deeply and would hate to inconvenience someone else as a result of my Disorder.
    I would just be more cautious as portraying OCPD as unfeeling and selfish, we are just a bit confused – everything is a bit more black and white. However, with the correct mindset and support and understanding, a person could function, seemingly in the eyes of people around, as if you are ‘Normal’. The ‘normal’ referred to is also not at the expensive of the OCPD person’s identity.
    In short, some OCPD persons are unpleasant and temperamental, but more often than not, I believe them to be that way regardless of OCPD. I’m no expert in the psychological makeup of OCPD, but some behaviours are being attributed to OCPD which I think should be reassessed.
    We truly are not all impossible to live with and will suck the life out of you. Maybe, the people commenting more frequently about their horrible experience with a person with OCPD is a result of them coming into contact with either an extreme example of OCPD or a person who is OCPD and also a #@&% – insert own word…
    I personally feel deeply for others and am not constantly preoccupied with other’s flaws. I’m truly sorry for those who had time, hope, love, self-respect lost as a result of a malevolent OCPD sufferer. Just know there are some us – I would love to think the majority – that almost unrecognisably normal, but yes, we do still suffer.
    It must also be admitted that it took me some time and trial and error coming to terms with the disorder and undergoing therapy – which I suggest every hard-headed OCPD person does.

    Any questions welcome.

    • Gary Trosclair
      · Reply

      Author
      January 14, 2020 at 12:51 PM

      Thanks for your note, Stef. I agree completely. I sometimes suspect that some of the partners that are described as OCPD may also have attributes of other PDs such as narcissistic, borderline, schizoid (unrelated and unfeeling), or antisocial. And within OCPD there is great variation, both in degree, but also which symptoms are most prevalent: some procrastinate and others don’t, some hoard some don’t, some can delegate, some can’t. Some might appear not to care about others, and some care so much it drives them crazy. Hopefully we can begin to bring a broader understanding to the larger world about what this condition is and is not. And yes, while hopefully blogs and support groups are helpful, I think it’s most effective to have a therapist to move toward the healthier end of the spectrum.

      Thanks again for you ideas.

    • JD
      · Reply

      March 25, 2025 at 8:15 AM

      I’m with you. I’m a woman with OCPD, and I don’t date because all I read and hear in my years of trying to figure this out and get help is that we are essentially inherently abusive. All I read are what nightmares we are. So on top of my perfectionism and constantly trying to make myself better and worthy of a healthy relationship, all the outside stuff says ill never be good enough or deserving of one, because we are inherently terrible. Help is impossible to find if you have OCPD, the only resources are for people in relationships with us. I’ve contacted hundreds of therapists, in multiple states Ive lived, and none even know what OCPD is, much less know tools to help. So, I bide time until death, and the only reason that hasn’t come sooner is because my elderly mother with dementia needs my help, and theres no one else– because, you know, responsibility.

      • Gary Trosclair
        · Reply

        Author
        March 26, 2025 at 10:46 AM

        I’m very sorry to hear how difficult getting help has been for you. This is painfully true for many people. I can’t give specific clinical advice here, but I did want to make sure that you are aware of some resources that embrace a much more positive view of the potential of the compulsive personality. First, the support group that Cale Livingston has put together has been very helpful for many people. Check out their website at: youmeandocpd.com. It is hard to find therapists who are conversant with OCPD, but that doesn’t mean that there aren’t therapists who can still be helfpul. I would point out Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) which is all about flexibility, and Schema Therapy, which understands and targets perfection as a specific schema which can make your life very difficult. Consider visiting ocpd.org which has lots of resources. And I wonder if you have read other posts from this blog, read my book, or listened to my podcasts, all of which are designed to correct the negative impressions you mentioned in your comment. I would highlight an early post: Compulsive Personality: A New and Positive Perspective: https://thehealthycompulsive.com/science-research/the-compulsive-personality-a-new-and-positive-perspective/ I hope these are helpful. OCPD is hard enough doing it alone.

  • Jessica
    · Reply

    February 11, 2020 at 1:31 PM

    I am reading all of these posts and re-living my childhood as my mother has ocpd. I also married someone who I believe has it as well. Luckily we got a divorce and I realized through all that mess that I was severely codependent to put up with such treatment. The advice given in this column is to try to show the person that caring for the relationship is the right thing to do and this will provide better interaction. We tried this but it is only the case for a little while before the obsessions take over. Better advice is to become a strong enough person to be alone and leave or distance yourself from this person unless they can treat you like a human being. Making a list about a spouses flaws or making your spouse do something over and over again to gain perfection and yelling at them when it can’t be achieved is abuse, plain and simple. Why should a label of a personality disorder provide an individual an excuse to abuse others? And most importantly what weakness is in you to accept this behavior under the guise that they love you. They do not have time for love when they have so many obsessions to put before you. Wake up please and stop enabling these people to perpetuate the ongoing abuse.

    • Gary Trosclair
      · Reply

      Author
      February 16, 2020 at 9:59 AM

      Hi Jessica.

      Thanks for your comment. I’m surprised that you came away from my post with the impression that anyone should put up with being treated badly. I agree with you that the partner of the OCPD person needs to protect themselves and claim the strength in their personality that they may have given over to the OCPD person. OCPD is certainly not an excuse for bad behavior. As I said in my post, depending on the severity of the OCPD, one may only be able to protect oneself. If it is less severe, and one really wants to try to make the relationship work, a combination of changed perception and communication, along with self-empowerment may be enough to shift the balance and make it a healthy relationship.

    • Kiel
      · Reply

      August 23, 2020 at 8:45 AM

      Jessica said:

      “Wake up please and stop enabling these people to perpetuate the ongoing abuse.”

      Thank god someone finally said it, Jessica – thank you.

      After living with an OCPD spouse for 16 years, that many/most mental health professionals stress that OCPD behaviors come from a place of fear and deserve empathy and understanding from family members is in itself a form of gaslighting.

      OCPD ‘sufferers’ can almost be described as monstrous in their behaviors.

      The entitlement of OCPDs to compassion ends at exactly at the point where they make the decision to create hell in the lives of others.

      In my experience, they know EXACTLY what they are doing, and the effect they are having.

      • Gary Trosclair
        · Reply

        Author
        August 23, 2020 at 3:31 PM

        Thanks for your comment, Kiel. I certainly agree that it’s completely inappropriate for anyone to say that the only thing you need to do with someone who has OCPD is to be understanding and compassionate. I’m sorry if anyone told you that, and that you had to deal with someone so difficult for so long.

        To emphasize what I’ve said in previous posts, if someone is at the far unhealthy end of the OCPD spectrum, it may mean that the best you can do is to set boundaries and protect yourself. Any program to improve a relationship requires not just understanding, but also communication AND self-care. Certainly people with OCPD have to take responsibility for their behavior, and to acknowledge the impact they have on others, which is one of the main points of this blog.

        While some compulsives may have the intention to make life hell for others, I don’t think that is the norm. There is a large range within OCPD and they are not all the same. And if someone is intent on making someone else’s life hell, there may be an additional diagnosis involved. Both research and the DSM-5 describe OCPD as being overly-conscientious. Calling themselves OCPD could be a cop-out if they are self-diagnosed.

        Thanks for the reminders to keep personal responsibility in the forefront.

        • Kiel
          · Reply

          August 24, 2020 at 5:22 PM

          “I’m sorry if anyone told you that, and that you had to deal with someone so difficult for so long.”

          Hi Gary, don’t worry about. In hindsight, I walked into this trap with plenty of warning, but I didn’t understand what I was dealing with. I married my father, and I had unhealthy boundaries coupled with a passive accommodating nature. Now, with 16 years under my belt, I’m of the opinion that Cluster B’s & OCPDs should be identified when young, and branded with a large ‘X’ on their forehead as a warning to others.

          Thanks for your work on this.

  • Sandy
    · Reply

    February 16, 2020 at 9:41 AM

    Are there any online support groups for spouses living with someone with OCPD?

  • Sandy
    · Reply

    February 16, 2020 at 9:42 AM

    i am looking for an on-line support group for theses living with someone with OCPD

    • Gary Trosclair
      · Reply

      Author
      February 16, 2020 at 9:53 AM

      Hi Sandy. Here are two links to online support groups for partners and families. Good luck in your search.

      https://www.facebook.com/groups/1497774643797454/

      https://www.tapatalk.com/groups/ocpd/ocpd-main-board-f2/

    • Kiel
      · Reply

      August 23, 2020 at 9:02 AM

      Sandy,

      You may want to tread lightly with the Tapatalk recommendation – or prepare to have your comments to be ‘reviewed & corrected’ by those who actually have OCPD.

      The Tapatalk pages are structured by someone with OCPD, for those with OCPD, and provides private boards for those with OCPD

      The non-OCPD participants on Tapatalk have no such private boards there with which to confer with other non-OCPDs privately, and not subject themselves to the very critique & criticism they live with everyday.

  • Anonomous
    · Reply

    March 6, 2020 at 1:17 PM

    my mom has OCPD and I have never known until yesterday I have been sent away to therapudic boarding schools and been forced into a crazy amount of therapy because she sees something wrong with me. I dont know what to do and have never thought of her as the problem because it has always been the fact that i am abnormal or wrong and problem maker the result of this has been extreme anxiety and depression I dont know how to react any advice

  • Stephanie
    · Reply

    March 7, 2020 at 9:58 PM

    I am feeling at a crossroads. My husband is overly negative and controlling. I am 9 months pregnant with my 6th child. I am certain he has OCPD. Sometimes I tell myself it is not his fault, he can’t help it. It’s a mentall illness. But the hurt and abandonment I feel is overwhelming.

    I wanted to take my kids to see their sick grandma. He blocked the kids and would not allow me to take them because he said they had to stay and clean up my mess.

    I was heartbroken and simultaneously enfuriated. I hit him and kicked him. I know that’s awful.

    He’s hardly a spouse and he’s hardly a parent. He is so consumed by his job, nothing else is important other than his job and a clean house.

    I don’t want him in the c- section room because I don’t feel he has earned the right to be there. He thinks I use pregnancy as an excuse.
    I think he should move out, but he won’t. I don’t know where to go from here. I don’t want a divorce, but I also can’t live like this. I know it’s not ok to hit him, but I feel so powerless to his control I lose it.

  • Erin
    · Reply

    March 8, 2020 at 11:28 AM

    I am sorry that you are going through this. I am also pregnant with my 6th child and live with a husband with OCPD. He is recovering though he will always have the struggle. There came a point when I had to just out my foot down and say no I’m taking the kids. There had to be some kind of different reaction that would make him wonder if something is indeed wrong with him. We’ve been married for 15 years and it was only until last summer when I realized I really need to do something. As they age and as life gets difficult, the OCPD only gets worse. So while he couldn’t admit to his OCPD, I needed to get him to understand that he had it and he needed help… So I left him. I didn’t leave him like separate from him or divorce him. But once when he was having a snappy episode with our son, I told all 5 kids to get in the van and I drove off in the middle of dinner leaving him alone. I didn’t accept his apologies like I used to. I didn’t give in easily. It took us a couple of days to talk and he was worried that I was not responding to him. When I was ready to talk he was ready to listen. I gave him an online test to take. I just picked any one. He tested very high for OCPD. He came to grips that he needed help and sought help from a psychologist that he’d seen before. He has been so much better ever since but he still has his issues. He gets into his rules and nit picks everything but his reactions are a lot more under control and mild. The key that I’ve noticed is he sees a psychologist regularly, as in once a week. We can make jokes about his disorder and he openly admits it to people. I am thankful for his admission to this. He is also a Christian and I believe this helps his behavior as well. I hope that you can come to a solution and a way to communicate with your husband. ❤

    • Gary Trosclair
      · Reply

      Author
      March 8, 2020 at 4:19 PM

      Thanks for sharing this, Erin. It’s always encouraging to hear when people with OCPD are able to get better. And it does happen!
      Gary

    • Dena D Stewart
      · Reply

      September 14, 2020 at 12:45 PM

      Erin,
      Thank you this give me hope for myself. I just need to do more work to better myself.

  • Robert
    · Reply

    March 29, 2020 at 3:21 PM

    This is an excellent resource! I just realized that with 40 years of violence and abuse from my wife, on a near daily basis has been a true horror story! Violent verbal abuse and hatred! Lists of why she hates me. Shaming and humiliating me at every step of the way! Such violent screaming and chasing me that I have had to hide out in my separate bedroom/ office with doors locked and bolted as she screamed abuse at me, beats on my door with bricks and big rocks! Then stand at the door for 45 minutes to several hours just attacking me and verbally abusing me! She gets so worked up and violent it has been terrifying for me! I have moved all resources into my room to cook and clean so I don’t have to go into the main house and be subjected to more hate! I always thought she would get better, but no, she continues to decline! In early February we were again arguing back and forth online. After a nasty exchange, I hear her coming down her stairs and right to my door. She sounded calm so I unlocked and opened my door a crack and she charged at me through the door, screaming filth , anger and hate as she punched me dozens of time in the chest and shoulders. She had super human strength! It took a long time to get ahold of her wrists to stop the punching. I moved her backwards towards the door she came thru, trying to get her out and lock me door. She fell on her back out of my room and into the kitchen. I tried to push her feet out of the door when she starts kicking violently as hard as she could, and kicked my door back open, then she started kicking me as hard as she could4 to five times in the upper thigh and two violent kicks to my groin. She damaged my right testicle severely, and has throbbed in pain for 2 months now! I back away not to keep getting kicked. She jumped up and fought her way back into my room. She started grabbing handfuls if item from my top kick door and started firing them at me with full force violent and screaming at the top of her lungs at me. My dog was in my room sitting on my bed and she hit him with thrown objects several times. I jumped on the bed and shielded him and put my foot straight out to try and block her throws! This is in my private bedroom where she is not allowed do to her anger and violence! She screamed for me to leave as she stayed in my room and rifled threw my belongings! I grabbed my dog and ran to my truck and drove off as she stood on the front deck and screamed filth at me! Wow! It shook me so bad to be calm and in a second be in a fight for your life! That’s when I decided I needed to research this behavior. I was directed to DSM-4. When I read the first paragraph I realized for the first time that these decades of disharmony, verbal violence and horrible attacks were do to mental illness. Her sister had full blown Schizophrenia, claimed she worked for the CIA and lived in a ParkingLot for 30 years is L.A. it felt like 100 tons lifted off my shoulders. For 40 years she blamed me for every problem! It never was any of my problem! She had OCPD so bad that I could see it played out in EVERY aspect of her life! It has been a horrible waste of my entire life, ruled and beaten by a mentally ill and violent person! And just hid and took it. Good God I wish I had known earlier! My daughter was seriously injured by the hate and strict rules her mother made for her! What waste of my entire life…

  • robert
    · Reply

    March 29, 2020 at 3:30 PM

    Hello, I wanted to add to my story by explaining that my OCPD wife has been an alcoholic for forty years too! She drinks every night! Not most nights or some nights. But every single night of her life she is intoxicated to one degree or the other! And mean and violent and verbally abusive after the alcohol gives her the courage to start the Angry ranting and hate! Every Night for forty years! And she continues to insist that I alone am the problem!!! Dear God Please Help Me….

  • Lorra
    · Reply

    April 14, 2020 at 4:58 AM

    Dear Dr. Gary,

    Thank you so much for writing this article. I am a daughter who has been living with a mother who has been exhibiting these symptoms since I was a child. We grew up in a hostile environment, frequently criticized and compared to others. It has brought so much anger in me eventhough I try to be as understanding as a child should be. I have tried every way I know how to communicate my feelings. From letters to family meetings, angry outbursts and calm sincere messages. Nothing seem to change. I have now resorted to not going home as much as I can. I find that staying away gives me more breathing room and time to actually appreciate her and maintain the respect. However, at times like this when I don’t have a choice but to stay home, I feel I am going to explode with all the pent up anger and suppressed feedback. I have tried meditating. Drowning out her voice and bashful comments with music that I love. I stay away from her so as not to think bad of her. But just hearing her voice, makes me want to scream. Is there actually a way to deal with a person like this? I don’t want the time to come I will eventually lose all respect and care for her. I feel I am almost there. Children may seem more resilient but don’t you think it has grave effects to their psychological well being even as they become adults? I feel for the children of some who replied to this article. I hope they grow up to have higher self love and strong individuals despite that kind of environment. Hope to hear from you. And thank you for your time

    • Gary Trosclair
      · Reply

      Author
      April 20, 2020 at 10:37 AM

      Hi Lorra. I’m very sorry to hear about what you’re going through with your mother. It sounds very painful. And, yes, OCPD has very bad effects on the children of OCPD parents. It’s difficult for me to say much more that might apply to your specific case other than what I’ve said in this article. It sounds like you’ve made quite an effort already to cope with her. If you can, and this is asking a lot, what do you think it is that she needs underneath all the bluster and criticism? Does she need to be assured that she is right and good and hardworking? And, and please don’t take this as blaming, what does this trigger in you? Are there any ways that you can develop your own self, your own self-confidence, authority, and power, so that she won’t get to you? After that lots of good self-care. I hope that you have a therapist or some sort of supportive community. Best of luck.

  • Lorra
    · Reply

    April 20, 2020 at 11:57 AM

    Dear Dr. Gary,

    Thank you so much for taking some time to reply. With regards to your question if she need assurance, I do express appreciation and gratitude, especially on those rare times she is actually nice to me & my sister. There are times I try to converse with her about life’s update. There are times, I try to hang out with them. Growing up, I remember writing to her as well. My sister & I do, in our own way, to take care of her or do things for her. However, we are not close. We have been brought up in an environment where she made it sure we knew that I am just her child, I should follow what she says. It is her way or the highway. When she tells us to do something, it has to be done asap or all hell will break lose. This would mean nonstop yelling and cursing. And we are not suppose to complain or be assertive. When we actually do brought about by pent anger, get slapped or hurt. And it has been like this since we were kids. Plus there’s the comparison. Us being compared to cousins or our youngest sibling. All the negativity is just draining. So now I try to drown out the noise and all the pent up anger with music, gardening, stuff I like to do. And this will calm me down enough to move passed the anger and pain. But when I see her rolling her eyes and that hateful look, it just brings back everything.
    Over the years though I have really tried to work on myself. And I am constantly doing that to keep the positivity. I have read several selfhelp books and do my best to apply it. I would try guided meditations and constantly looking for things to do that make me happy. I do know my sister & I are persons of value, even if she says we will not succeed or will not amount to anything. I know I have improved on being more assertive as there are times she will not bother me. Meaning I get the silent treatment. However, what triggers me the most is how she treats my sister. It makes me wonder if this is OCPD or she just really hates us. And this is based on how she treats our youngest sibling, which is way better. I do want to stop hearing or feeling we are not good enough. Others are better. And believe me, I am truly holding on the thought that I am a kind person and I am good enough.
    I have read somewhere that most of what happens to us is how we react to things, people or situation. But when you are constantly provoked or pushed, are you not supposed to do anything? I mean when does it stop? Should we just accept this kind of treatment?
    Again, thank you so much for your time and advise. Hope you and your family are safe and healthy.

    • Gary Trosclair
      · Reply

      Author
      May 18, 2020 at 8:26 PM

      While it is hard to say anything not knowing you in person, I don’t think you should just let people treat you badly. Setting boundaries is very important. It doesn’t help either of you if you do not take care of yourself. I’m not convinced that “most of what happens to us is how we react to things.” It’s certainly part of it, but not most of it. You might want to look at the three articles I’ve written on Victim, Persecutor, and Rescuer. https://thehealthycompulsive.com/rescuer-victim-persecutor-in-the-compulsive-personality/

      Good luck. I hope things get better!

  • Barbara
    · Reply

    May 11, 2020 at 2:23 PM

    Hi Gary,
    This post is very helpful, thank you!

    My first husband and my 30-year-old son both have high-functioning autism (Asperger’s). 12 years ago, I met and married my current spouse (OCPD), and though he was not autistic, I noted he was very odd in some ways. As our lives progressed, I noted his rigid adherence to rules (no grace or quarter given), his tendency to horde, his miserly perspective on charitable giving, and his strong inclination towards routine (eating the same breakfast and lunch for years, doing the same activities in the same order). I also realize he had a very little curiosity about new things and was very limited in emotional expressiveness, adaptability or empathy. As problems and conflicts emerged between us, he was unable to see my (or anyone’s) point of view but his own, and he would quickly get angry, square off and launch verbal attacks at me, mostly of the “shaming and blaming” type. Being assertive and not unused to conflict (my mom suffered from PTSD, having been a victim of WWII atrocities in eastern Europe), I would engage and try to reason with him, eventually losing my temper as well, only to end by feeling exhausted, emotionally beaten up and very discouraged (it’s occurred to me that I have a high tolerance – and maybe even an attraction – for mentally unhealthy people.)

    I was baffled: How could someone who seemed so “together, reasonable, and stable” become so quickly hostile, unreasonable and disproportionately angry? Why did some seemingly “neutral” things like donating money, throwing away old junk, or asking him about his failed first marriage (she was an alcoholic for years) send him into such a rage?

    In my past marriage, I was the one to guess at the nature of my first husband and son’s condition (my son was finally diagnosed as High-Functioning Asperger’s as a teenager), so I was inclined to begin researching some of my new husband’s behaviors. In time, I found that descriptions of OCPD tendencies seemed to describe him to a tee.

    Sadly, to date he has resisted any discussion of counseling, or undergoing any assessments, and he refuses to entertain the idea that there is anything wrong with him (despite the fact that his mother was considered “odd” by the entire family – including him, and that his younger sister is a diagnosed bi-polar schizophrenic, who refuses both treatment and medication.) Sadly, but true to form, he never shared any of this family history with me prior to our marriage – I found out these things from his older sister and some cousins at at a family funeral about 1 year after we had married. He has nothing to do with his younger sister and very little contact with his family in general. He is now retired, he has no close friends, and aside from talking with his 2 kids once in a while by phone – or living with me, he is the most relationally independent person I know.

    Since my initial discovery of the OCPD diagnostic criteria, I’ve read lots of articles on how to live with an OCPD spouse. Because of the “social distancing” caused by the Covid-19 pandemic, we are, I am spending a lot of time at home and alone with my husband. Patterns that I had a vague awareness of are coming into SHARP FOCUS now. Perhaps I’m just finally ready to move past my inertia and denial, but (like someone mentioned above), your article has hit “truth notes” for me in many ways. I’ve enjoyed spending several hours reviewing it. The tendencies you describe (on both the part of the OCPD spouse and the non-driven spouse) sound very familiar, and I find I’m able to identify how these tendencies specifically manifest in my marriage. These are strong additions to my “Reality” map!

    Most helpful was your suggestion that I (as the less-compulsive spouse) become more aware of the spectrum of “extreme compulsivity to extreme casualness.” I am very motivated now to own where I AM on the spectrum in any given situation, and to observe how my position influences my husband. I have known that when I calm down, he calms down, but now I realize that when I pursue him (to solve an issue, or for emotional connection or, worst of all, to give him input or correction on any level), he immediately goes in the direction of Compulsivity. And when I keep pursuing him, I get drawn into it, and soon we are doing the CRAZY DANCE. This usually ends when he resorts to such ugly shaming and blaming that I snap to an awareness of what is happening. I disengage, retreat, and go off to calm down. That’s when I pray, examine myself, get some input from a friend, and seek a better way to go forward that will honor myself as well as encourage my husband. It was in this state that I found your article!

    I’m blessed to have a strong emotional and spiritual support system, and I am encouraged to see how I can continue to grow emotionally healthy while making the best of my marriage. I’m also going to begin considering how to invite my husband into an awareness of his condition, though this is not essential for me to continue to grow and heal. I will look into other articles you have on your website, and will check out your book as well!

    Thank you for your work and willingness to help others. May God bless you and your family, and continue to use you to open the doors of healing for many!

    • Gary Trosclair
      · Reply

      Author
      May 18, 2020 at 8:18 PM

      Thanks, Barbara. It’s always good to hear that the site is helpful to people. I’m impressed at how you are handling the situation by looking at what you can do differently and how you can grow through this. It’s not easy!

  • Hannah
    · Reply

    May 27, 2020 at 2:41 PM

    Hi Gary, thanks for this post. I am so happy to see that this topic is being written on and discussed. I grew up with an older brother who has OCPD but was only recently diagnosed after losing a job, however he denies the diagnosis and credits his personality to anxiety. It’s interesting because my parents created an environment that he could thrive in – and they never acknowledged that anything was ‘different’ about him. This led to me often being criticized by him and all three of us walking on eggshells to avoid his major emotional outbursts but no acknowledgement that we were doing so. Even in adulthood, this pattern has not really changed.

    It’s been interesting because as an adult in my 20’s I’ve recently come to realize I have fallen into some very toxic friendships and an abusive relationship. In reflecting and starting therapy, I’m realizing that a lot of that may come down to how I adapted to my brother and became very passive, quiet, and accommodating. I think I feel comfortable in that environment and am drawn to these types of personalities because I am good with them which has had really awful consequences for my life. I saw your posted support groups, I’m going to look into them. Appreciate the resource!

    • Gary Trosclair
      · Reply

      Author
      June 16, 2020 at 12:34 PM

      Hi Hannah. Very glad to hear that the blog is helpful. I suspect that you are correct that your brother’s OCPD has shaped how you navigate relationships. Best wishes for your growth! Gary

  • Becky
    · Reply

    July 20, 2020 at 9:39 PM

    This article has been so very helpful. I find OCPD to be the little misunderstood PD. So many of my friends have a spouse with narcissistic PD and no one has ever heard of my spouses ( OCPD). I’m a therapist and even I had never heard of it until about 5 years ago. My colleague was talking about a challenging client and gave me an article on OCPD and I about died when I realized my own husband hit just about all the boxes. As gut wrenching as it was it was also like a light was turned on in a very dark room. Typical marriage counseling books encourage the wife to just find a sweeter way to express her needs and – bam- the magic happens. What they don’t talk about is the fella who says you “ shouldn’t” have those needs in the first place. If you just would have done this or if you would have just done that- you wouldn’t be needing this or that. My spouses primary motivation is being right being in control being successful… not my needs. No matter how delicately stated no matter how expertly worded, when push comes to shove, my needs imply he’s done something wrong and he has a death grip on avoiding vulnerability and will walk away from us rather than admit to that. So , it’s been a lonely road and the more I invest it feels the more I stand alone. As our oldest sets off to college I wonder how we will do without the distraction of kids around. But it helps to know I’m not alone. I read these posts and take great comfort

    • Gary Trosclair
      · Reply

      Author
      August 1, 2020 at 3:58 PM

      Hi Becky. I’m really glad to hear that the posts are helpful. it is really painful to watch someone get so controlling, knowing that they have lost track of what good control could be good for. And yes, improving communication may be helpful, but it is rarely enough. Good luck with the empty nest. One way or another it could shift things.

  • Kiel
    · Reply

    August 25, 2020 at 9:06 PM

    Gary,

    Any advice for a nonOCPD who’s fallen into the trap of mirroring the OCPDs behavior back at the OCPD just to ‘fight back’?

    It never does any good, and they seem almost to derive duping delight when it happens, complete with smirk.

    Of course, I suppose the only real solution is to leave.

    When I first began this journey with her diagnosis, I was convinced it was NPD.

    Now, I’m not so sure.

    What I am now absolutely convinced of, is that the OCPD derives what is akin to narcissistic supply from forcing high conflict situations.

    Any thoughts beyond ‘just leave’?

    • Gary Trosclair
      · Reply

      Author
      September 14, 2020 at 4:42 PM

      It’s not at all unusual for people to have more than one personality disorder. With many of the worst cases that I read about here I often suspect that there is also NPD involved. if I tried to day anything more here than what I’ve said in the article it would be trite and not really based on the specifics of your situation. But if anyone with OCPD does get narcissistic supply from forcing high conflict is may be to pump up from insecurity of one form of another, a sense of mastery. Not that it justifies it, I’m just suggesting what might lie underneath. I do hope that you are able to find a resolution for yourself.

  • Pat Wagstaff
    · Reply

    October 20, 2020 at 8:02 PM

    I was searching online for an OCPD support group and I’m really glad I found your blog. I finally realize I’m not the only person dealing with this.Thank you and I look forward to more of your posts.

  • Deborah
    · Reply

    November 5, 2020 at 3:58 PM

    Thank you! This article has been very helpful. My son was recently diagnosed with OCD, which has motivated me to research the mental illness and consequently OCPD.
    What is interesting, is that after being married for 20 years, I have discovered that my husband has OCPD and that my son (likely to have been misdiagnosed) has OCPD as well!
    Both my husband and my son mean well and are good people. I am very glad to find your article—as it holds great advice for me. I am ordering your book to further help me navigate this new path with them. Thank you again!

    • Gary Trosclair
      · Reply

      Author
      November 5, 2020 at 4:01 PM

      Thanks for your note. Glad the blog is helpful. Good luck with moving ahead!

      • Deborah
        · Reply

        January 7, 2021 at 4:43 PM

        Dr. Trosclair,

        I have read your book and I liked it very much! Thank you for writing it! My husband has read part of it, but being busy, he put it down and then later started at the beginning and put it down again. I am not pushing him to finish it, but I have underlined quite a few things and am waiting for him to get to those parts. Lol. He scored an 86 on your driven personality test. I scored 46. We had a good time discussing this and took the test both separately and then together. This has been super helpful for us both. In many ways we are the Ted and Dana case in your book–minus the affair and I don’t watch tv. The question is, now what? My husband wants to think that this is something that he needs to do just to please me and is trying desperately to be patient until I let it all go. I am wanting to make sure that the worst parts of our 20 years together don’t repeat again. My friend, that is a therapist, tells me that people with OCPD do not change…That it will have to be me that changes my mindset and works around him. She also said that couples therapy doesn’t really work with someone that has OCPD.
        You seem to be saying something different and it makes me hopeful. I guess what I would like to know from you is, should I insist on having him see a psychotherapist? I have briefly looked for one and haven’t found anyone that specializes in OCPD. And is it possible to have you as our therapist via zoom or something? I would love to know your thoughts. Thank you!

        • Gary Trosclair
          · Reply

          Author
          January 8, 2021 at 3:26 PM

          Hi Deborah. I’m glad that the book has been helpful to you. I stand by my assertion that people with OCPD can change. There is research that supports this, but I do want to acknowledge that those who are on the very far, unhealthy end of the compulsive spectrum may not change. But many more who have mild to moderate cases can change. If your husband is willing to read even parts of my book I would say that that is a good sign. But I don’t see it as an either/or proposition for couples. If you can think more in terms of “fit” than right/wrong you have a better chance. And partners of compulsives do need to examine whether they have any role in the dynamic, as I point out in my book (chapter 15), perspective, communication and self-care are all important. While I appreciate your asking whether I would work with you, I am not accepting couples in my practice at this time. Insisting he go to therapy may backfire on you. But if you tell him how much it would help each of you individually, and as a couple, it may work better. I believe in using carrots rather than sticks. Good luck in your search.

          • Deborah

            January 8, 2021 at 6:09 PM

            Dr. Trosclair,

            Thank you for your comments. I agree with you and I feel that my husband is one that can improve and with awareness (on the part of both of us), we will be fine. Thank you again.

  • Shell
    · Reply

    November 11, 2020 at 9:58 AM

    Dear Commenters,

    I spent the last 40 minutes reading all of your complaints and struggles. I was diagnosed with OCPD about a year ago and spent the time after that diagnosis crying in my car. I learned a lot about it with educational materials as in how it impacted ME… but yesterday I decided to look up how my husband may feel about it, because he is generally pretty supportive.
    I just wanted to say I am sorry. If you never get the apology or realization or admittance from your loved one let me apologize for them. I am in my early 30’s and it took 10 years of my spouse being as kind as he could be (with definite frustration sometimes), to bring me to this point. I definitely spent a good 8 years just thinking I was right and superior about everything. I still struggle with it, but I actually say sorry now. It sounds horrible but my intentions were good. I just wanted to do things as right as possible because my moral code compels it from me, even though my right isn’t the same as everyone else’s right.
    Reading through these comments, I feel like he could have easily at one point or another wrote the same thing about me. The only hope I can offer any of you, is a lot of what Gary has already said. My husband called it the “white glove” approach where he had to very delicately tell me he understands where I am coming from and I may have good intentions but I am not correct about it and that’s okay. This did not always work. But I think the pain of being wrong is so difficult that this way was really the only way to knock down my solidly built barrier of protection from “being wrong” or whatever. I am still struggling, so I am by no means cured. I just wanted to offer an apology to those who may not get one and perhaps hope that sometimes we do come around.

    • Mia
      · Reply

      January 5, 2021 at 4:41 AM

      Hi Shell

      I have OCPD too and I’m trying to salvage my relationship with my bf. What worked best for you and your husband in dealing with OCPD? I know the general advice is therapy but I’m worried by the time I make any progress my current relationship will be completely destroyed. Especially because I don’t do well at therapy at all. So it would be a very long process. How do you manage OCPD?

  • Deborah Ebert
    · Reply

    November 11, 2020 at 10:22 PM

    Dear Shell,

    I am so touched by your comments! Thank you so much! It sounds like you will be just fine–with a supportive husband and a kind heart. Best of luck to you!

  • Thanateros
    · Reply

    November 22, 2020 at 10:21 PM

    Hi, sorry for my english, is not my first language.
    I think that people with Personality Disorder (PD) attract people with PD. “Normal” people in general perceive the red flags of someone with a PD and don’t begin the relationship with this person. I have Avoidant Personality Disorder – AVPD (maybe comorbidity with “quiet” Borderline Personality Disorder – BPD). And I attract only women with some PD. During this quarantine I had a girlfriend that I have sure that has OCPD. I stayed 2-3 days one week yes one week no in her house. Our relationship last 10 months. And I think that is impossible a relationship between someone with AVPD with someone with OCPD. My impression was that she was always unsatisfied. Anything that I did was good enough for her. I was always using a false self. I didn’t could be myself, be spontaneous. I was like in a prison. I had zero emotional connection. She can’t express emotions or understand my feelings. And , because my AVPD , I am very anxious and hypervigilant, hypersensitive. And she always , in a passive-agressive way, was pressing me to live with her, stay most of the time with her family and son (they ARE ALL neighbours and all the day one in the house of the other, we didn’t have privacy) and to introduce my family to her was very abusive. Because she knows that I have fear of intimacy, traumas with my family and families in general and because we had only 10 months of relationship. And I feel that she was like a spouse and not girlfriend. And she was seeing me like a husband not a boyfriend. She was always pressing me that she didn’t see that I see our relationship like a serious relationship. But this was the most serious relationship of all my life. She was insecure because of my evasiveness and fear of intimacy and this made her pressing me more in this things. In a “I love you and the last time that you stayed with me, but…” way. And in a moment that I think that all was ok in our relationship and in that the problems that she told me of our last encounter was resolved she did a new pressure. And she was ok in our encounter. This problems and emotional things in general she told only in whatsapp. Not in physical presence. This was very strange. And always in this “I love you and the last time that you stayed with me, but…” way. I think that she is a shyness, submissive/manipulative OCPD. Not the classic domineering OCPD type. And the pressure was constant. She told me in a first moment only to know her sister. And I did this. In the next encounter, all the family was all the time with us and we had no privacy. And she thinks that this was not enough. I was emotional exhausted.

  • Mike
    · Reply

    December 10, 2020 at 2:38 PM

    I think there’s an unmet need for some sort of OCPD support group for both — the sufferer of the PD and / or immediate family members related to someone that has (or might have) OCPD. Perhaps we should try to have some sort of live online meeting on a commonly used free conferencing software (i.e. – Zoom, Skype, Microsoft Teams, etc.)? Can’t hurt to try, see how it goes, and refine as we go.

    If interested, please respond to this post, or email me at mbdeich@gmail.com.

    • Gary Trosclair
      · Reply

      Author
      December 10, 2020 at 2:55 PM

      Not sure if you guys are aware of this but there are support groups for OCPD and families at Tapatalk and Facebook. Sounds like what you have in mind goes further, making it live, but you might find other people interested in your project there. Good luck with it. Sound like a great project!

  • David Knox
    · Reply

    December 10, 2020 at 4:08 PM

    Good idea to have a support network for the partners of ocpd sufferers but good luck trying to include those with ocpd . We have to try and tolerate the difficulties and amplify the good

    • Mia
      · Reply

      January 5, 2021 at 4:35 AM

      Hi David

      I have OCPD and it’s currently hurting my relationship. If you have any advice on how people with OCPD can better support our partners, please let me know. What do you find the most difficult to deal with, with an OCPD partner? Or what would you want your OCPD partner to know before things got too out of control? I really want to understand what it’s like from the partners perspective, so I can at least try to not let my OCPD destroy my relationships. I’m stuck in limbo at the moment between the OCPD mentality of “nothing is wrong” and my failing relationship which indicates OCPD is taking over. Thanks, Mia

      • David Knox
        · Reply

        January 5, 2021 at 1:51 PM

        Hi Mia
        You have done the most important thing already and that is acknowledging the OCPD . I really respect you for that . It gives you and your partner something to work with now . I have been married to an OCPD sufferer for 25 years and I am not going to lie …. it hasn’t been easy. She doesn’t accept that there is anything wrong with her . Totally blinkered in the extreme and so there is no prospect of better managing the situation . I still love her though and she is still my go to person in a crisis. I see the OCPD as overlaid on a fundamentally nice person .
        If I had one bit of advice it would be to try and resist micromanaging your partner
        All the best

  • Cathy
    · Reply

    December 31, 2020 at 3:13 PM

    Thank you, Gary for the insight; and everyone else for you comments. As I read through the posts I am filled with worry about the condition becoming worse with age. I am unsure how to approach my husband. We’ve been together 37 years (married 31 years) and since his retirement four years ago, I have been thinking all this time our marriage is falling apart; which I know is at risk though for a different reason, it’s the OCPD. As I thinkj back over the years, it’s always been there but I attributed it to his job and the stress he was under.

    So can you please give me words that will help me approach him, and temper defensiveness? He adamantly refused therapy (I am going on my own); and our oldest daughter has cut communication dramatically with him in order to protect herself.

    Thank you.

    • Gary Trosclair
      · Reply

      Author
      January 1, 2021 at 8:06 AM

      Hi Cathy. I’m sorry to hear that OCPD is hurting your marriage. I wish I could give you more words to help him get better, but it’s really not possible from a distance to be more specific. I can only suggest what I have in this post–to find words that appreciate what he does offer. I find the word “driven” seems to work well for some people. This discussion requires a combination of sensitivity to their need to be seen as a good person, and your own confidence in yourself and willingness to live your own life fully. I hope things improve for the two of you.

  • Cathy
    · Reply

    January 1, 2021 at 7:21 AM

    Greg, in my 12/31/20 reply I gave you the wrong email address. Please use the one with this. My apologies and thank you!

  • Mia
    · Reply

    January 5, 2021 at 4:26 AM

    Hi, I have OCPD and it’s ruining my relationship. Last year I learned about OCPD and it was like a light bulb moment as to why I’ve never been able to hold down a relationship and my other underlying issues. My partner broke up with me the other day 2 weeks after he moved into my own home for the first time. We have lived in holiday homes before with no issue but as soon as he moved into my house, he felt I was too controlling, obsessive, rigid, wouldn’t let him do anything, and my rules were too much for him. He feels like I’ve lied to him for trying to suppress this part of me. I’ve told him I had it at the beginning of our relationship but it was only when he moved into my house that he “saw the ugly side of me.” It’s only now it’s become such a problem. I’ve been to therapy before for anxiety but I hate talk therapy. I’m very filtered when I speak and only talk to my bf and best friend on any form of emotional level. I prefer to write things down but all types of therapy I’ve seen available are talk therapy. I know I have OCPD and I need to deal with it to amend our relationship but I can’t shift the OCPD mentality that nothing is wrong, it’s just my way of doing things. I’m also worried that without it, I’ll end up lazy and unproductive. We are both heartbroken and want to be together. Therapy is such a long process and by the time I make any progress my relationship will be dead. What can I do to be a better partner right now? What sort of things would the partners of people with OCPD want them to know before things got out of control? I don’t want to end up a toxic and abusive partner. I don’t want to keep hurting him. Thanks, Mia.

    • Sindi
      · Reply

      September 11, 2023 at 9:29 AM

      Hi Mia,

      I feel for you. I do not have OCPD but I develop PTSD from a long relationship with my ex-partner who has diagnosed OCPD. I think something that it is important to recognize in your message is that you are accepting the behaviors exerted by you are hurting your relationship and that you have OCPD! also you want to understand your partner perspective, this is a BIG step.
      I think there are many layers of answer for your message. so I will use bullet point to address most, and I will be talking of my own experiences with my ex OCPDer.
      -I believe OCPD inhibit the person to be in the present, they think of many possibilities and scenarios and in their mind there is only one way of doing things right, which can be updated based on future “errors”. I recommend working on separating your way of doing things and the way of your partner doing things. it is easier to say than to do, but will help work on respecting boundaries and gaining flexibility that in life there is not only one way of doing things.

      I highly recommend a therapist because you will get triggered, and all these triggers are opportunities to dig in an work with a professional. Cognitive therapy it is focus on homework and task, so there is the factor of doing, which also align well with OCPD behaviors. Specially because OCPD it is egocyntonic meaning the person who have it thinks there are right.

      – The fear of not being OCPD will lead to laziness and unproductivity. I think in this topic is a reasonable fear but does not have to be real. Many people without OCPD are productive and proactive. It depend very much what is your standard for laziness and unproductivity. and that is why a psychologist it is a great guide. It sound your fear comes from loosing control.

      -Therapy takes time, and change takes time, but believe me that little changes can do a long way when a partner sees how much effort the other is putting, share and communicate their work in therapy and homework etc… Maybe your wish of wanting thing fast comes from the fear of not feeling secure in the relationship?

      -What can you do to be a better partner? my very personal answer is humility and accountability.

      I think we want to feel genuinely acknowledge, respected and appreciated and as a team instead of feeling we are the subordinate of the other, the enemy, the cause of distress and we have to justify why we do the things we do and how.

      Remember that your partner choose you for a reason, and OCPD can be managed, I do not think it will be easy, but if you are able to keep showing those lovely traits your partner fall in love while you work on the other parts, should give space and time for your relationship to solidify and grow.

      I want to highlight I am talking from my own experience and I don’t know how your situation is.

      In my relationships the most detrimental factor I felt was the endless anger exerted by my partner, towards the world and when I moved with him, got directed towards me. He will yell at me, criticize, gave me monologues, minimize or deny my reality of the events. Many times I will cry and he will say I was overly sensitive, that wanted to create a fight. He clearly was not happy with me and when I try to leave he did not want me to leave, so he will be nice and then fall back to the same. Only when I try to leave he will sweet my ear with how “wonderful I was”, how I was the love of his life and he needed me but when I was staying, in anger outbursts he also called me a “demonic judge” because I could not let go or be back to happy and nice after his mistreatments which he called it minuscules mistakes, he told me I was obsess with words and I had “stupid ezquisofrenic behaviors” . I think my situation was an extreme because what I described plus other stuff were abusive.

  • Fidoman
    · Reply

    March 1, 2021 at 1:18 AM

    Hi Gary, I think I have OCPD (still waiting for my appointment with psychiatrist) but I tick most of the boxes. My girlfriend was diagnosed with mild BPD (wich for me looks like full blown BPD). In our few arguments she brought up the idea that I might have an issue which I shrugged off (like any ocpd would do) but now after reading more and more, I feel like I’d need help. My girlfriend is taking medications and has bi-weekly chats with psychologists, but even if I’ll do the same, those disorders are so completely on different spectrum I don’t know if we could have healthy relationship even if we both work on us. Any suggestions?

    • Gary Trosclair
      · Reply

      Author
      March 1, 2021 at 8:59 AM

      Hi Fidoman. Yes, that sounds like it could be a challenge, but I can’t say that it’s impossible, not knowing you guys. And to be honest, even if you guys were in therapy with me, I couldn’t say one way one another. It will take sacrifice from both of you, but it may be worth it. Also, as I stress in my book and throughout my blog, compulsives actually have a lot to offer relationships if they enlist their determination and energy into their own growth and making the relationship a good one. You might want to think about the particular challenges of BPD vs OCPD: righteousness and rigidity versus a deep fear of being abandoned. If you just aren’t a good fit, acknowledge it, but don’t blame the other person. If you can both watch how you trigger the other, and to see how you each might grow from your relationship, you might be able to work it out. You might each want to ask yourself what you are trying to get the other person to do for you, to live out for you, that you need to do for yourself. I’d also suggest that you read my other posts about relationships, https://thehealthycompulsive.com/category/compulsives-in-relationships/ especially the three about victims, persecutors and rescuers in relationships: https://thehealthycompulsive.com/rescuer-victim-persecutor-in-the-compulsive-personality/
      Good luck.

  • Ann Mann
    · Reply

    March 8, 2021 at 2:50 PM

    I am a mother of a 21 year old daughter who has recently been diagnosed with OCPD. Going on this journey with her has been the hardest thing our family has ever done. She is seeing a psychiatrist, trying really hard to manage her OCPD but what I find hard is that she blames me for everything. I stayed home with my three girls, was always there for them, gave up my career for two decades, but somehow she has spun an alternate reality where I neglected her, favoured my other two girls, ignored her needs, and failed to acknowledge her. These accusations were like a dagger through my heart. I love her but I don’t know what to do about her awful accusations (which are never delivered kindly, to say the least). I have been told to create “hard boundaries” for myself, but as a parent, especially a mother, I always want to be there for her.
    There are a lot of posts from spouses, but I wonder if there are any parents out there who have any advice?
    Also, thank you to Shell for your post. It gave me insight into my daughter and brought tears to my eyes. It took a lot of strength for you to write that.

  • Kara
    · Reply

    May 12, 2021 at 8:30 AM

    Hi Gary,

    My partner has been wrongfully diagnosed with both bipolar and ocd… after research I believe its simply OCPD. She is not physically abusive, and she’s pretty self aware of the obsessive part of it, because she accepts the OCD diagnosis. But she refuses therapy, claims our relationship is the only issue in her life (its not) and tells me I need help and that I’m a psycho (I’m in therapy already, primarily to deal with her). She’ll go back on every life plan we make, making it hard to grow this family with her. We have an adopted daughter that she won’t put my name on the papers though I am the stay at home mom. I asked about a joined cell phone plan to save money, that spiraled to her talking about us splitting up the next day (she doesn’t actually mean it). Her commitment issues are annoying, but manageable…. let her spiral out a bit and she always comes back. What I am struggling with is her lack of empathy and her callous comments. She’ll often imply that I’m not a good mom, flat out say I’m a terrible messy house-wife, that I am the toxic one. Her insults have gotten less “attacking” as we’ve worked together over the years, but is there any point where they stop insulting you?? My self-esteem can only take so many shots before I spiral again into a depressive episode. She does give compliments and we are working on gratitude journal, but the verbal punches last longer than the hugs.

    I won’t give up on her, at least not yet. She has shown growth and progress, and like your article said it’s always stemmed from good intentions. I guess I’m just looking for some hope… and so far this is the only place that gives it. Anywhere else you look online about OCPD its all doom and gloom.

    • Gary Trosclair
      · Reply

      Author
      May 20, 2021 at 6:36 PM

      Hi Kara. This does sound painful, especially with a child in the middle. I really can’t say anything specific about your partner, but I do know of a fair number of people with OCPD who have learned not to be so critical. That does take motivation on their part, and a willingness to invest their OCPD energy into change. But it is possible. Hope this helps.

  • Brian Thompson
    · Reply

    May 19, 2021 at 9:45 PM

    I have a question about the division of labor. What if your partner makes taking on labor so difficult that it’s easier to just sit back? My partner has very specific ways of washing the dishes, organising food, cleaning the floors, etc. Not following these very specific steps results in her doing the task again even if the floor got cleaned, the dishes washed, etc. The quality of the end result isnt the problem but rather that the specific order (that can get very detailed and onerous) wasn’t followed. I know how to carry out household tasks properly but it’s almost as if deviating from arbitrary standards is worse in her mind than not doing the task at all. I believe in a fair division of labor and have made attempts at doing more than my fair share but the nitpicking and micromanaging just isnt worth it. Do you have any suggestions?

    • Gary Trosclair
      · Reply

      Author
      June 1, 2021 at 8:13 PM

      I wouldn’t say that there should never be a division of labor, just to be cautious about it. In some cases, perhaps such as yours, the wise thing to do is to have some division of labor. Two main problems to watch out for though are if one person begins to resent all the work they do, and the other is to make sure that one person is kept from developing their own skills and ways of doing things. For instance, it’s not a good idea for one partner to do all the finance and technology because if they pass away, the other person is up a creek. Or, let’s say one person insists on doing all the decorating, and the other person wants to be more expressive and is not allowed to develop that aspect of their personality. All of my posts should be read as a general suggestion, and individual situations should be handled with flexibility and in context.

  • sam
    · Reply

    June 11, 2021 at 4:37 PM

    Hi Gary

    I am in a long distrance relationship. Over the time I have realised my partner has all the symptoms of OCPD. Since I have never lived with an OCPD person, I dont have first hand experience of how does a non-OCPD partner feels. But knowing the disorder and its impact on the partner has put me in dilemma. I have heard about his previous partner being lazy, irresponsible and good for nothing. His argument is “if she had cooked proper meal just once a month, if she had dressed up just once in two weeks, etc.” Now i wonder if he was nitpicking and micromanaging her? As I am not in a committed relationship and the relationship is in an early stage, do you suggest I move away from it? Or should I go into a marriage with this OCPD person? I dont want to have a marriage where I am criticised, shamed and humiliated.

    • Gary Trosclair
      · Reply

      Author
      June 11, 2021 at 5:19 PM

      Hi Sam.

      I can understand the dilemma, and I am glad that you are thinking carefully about how to take care of yourself. I really can’t give specific advice, but in general I would say that it is a good idea to get to know someone well before entering into a committed relationship, and that’s usually hard to do long distance. If you don’t spend a fair amount of time with someone it is very easy to project either good or bad things onto them, and then you could end up in a relationship with a very different person from the one that you imagined. Hope this is helpful. Good luck.

  • Mary Ellen
    · Reply

    June 21, 2021 at 6:02 AM

    My husband has OCPD. It’s gotten progressively worse over time. He wants to make all the decisions because he knows he’s right. He challenges everything I do and is constantly letting me know the correct way to do everything. He gets frustrated and lets me know what door to use when leaving our house and gets upset if I challenge him on it. We raised four children together and he’s always been a good father and provider. However we can’t spend more than an afternoon together because he tries to control the narrative all the time and gets upset if others don’t see clearly what he sees as the right thing to do.

    • Shanna
      · Reply

      July 14, 2021 at 2:28 PM

      It does sound like he may have OCPD. Which people with this condition usually do enjoy learning about everything. Mine dove into learning all about his perceived OCD until he found OCPD. He read everything on it and talked to me about how he thinks that has effected him in almost every aspect of his life. He is still struggling with it but he has agreed to start therapy and has an upcoming appointment. He hates feeling like this condition has control over him so he said he is taking it back by treating it. Something like that may help. But I would not come right out and say it. If he thinks you are trying to tell him what to do, he will fight it. But if he feels like looking into it is his own decision, then he should be susceptible to learning about it. I hope that this helps. The only other thing i have learned about is certain vitamins and supplements that helps too like GABA, ashwagandha root, Milk thistle, etc. His brain is in overdrive all the time and he really believes he is right therefor everyone else MUST be wrong. Once he is calm enough to learn about OCPD it might help him re-evaluate his life. Good Luck, I am in your boat too so I feel your pain. You are not alone.

  • Shanna
    · Reply

    July 14, 2021 at 2:20 PM

    I just discovered a few days ago that my partner (of 4 years) has OCPD. I am very patient and helpful to all the others in my life that suffer from some sort of anxiety disorder and I have been trying to figure out what he has for a while now. Recently we suffered through him rejecting me due to our pregnancy and my weight loss journey afterwards. He pulled away from me and basically dove into the world of “I’m going to be a teenager again and hang out with my oldest child and her friends when they would come over”. He saw himself as a shut in and rejected in his teenage years so he finally felt accepted and loved in a way. So when they started spending less time at home and more time with new friends, he felt rejected and had a manic episode. Which made it harder for me because I am 35 with 3 kids and one C- Section, clearly not a fellow teenager like he now wants me to look and act like. So he basically said he can’t return my affection and doesn’t trust my beauty standard judgments (of him) because he doesn’t like my current shape. He recognizes that it is mostly caused by his OCPD but he is still struggling and feeling so empty inside because of it. He starts treatment soon but I’m afraid of what the future holds. We have a baby together and just sold our house. He wont accept my help and only talks to me when he is so down he doesn’t want to go on anymore. IDK what to do.

  • jay
    · Reply

    October 23, 2021 at 9:34 AM

    hello garry
    my psychiatric test says that i have a obsessive compulsive personality, i want to know if i have OCPD, since i have some of those manifestations. need some advice..xx

    • Gary Trosclair
      · Reply

      Author
      October 28, 2021 at 1:59 PM

      Hi Jay.
      It’s hard for me to say anything specific to you, but here is a link that might give you some of the info you are looking for:
      How Do I Know if I have Obsessive-Compulsive Personality Disorder? And So What if I do?
      Hope this is helpful.

  • Butterfly
    · Reply

    March 8, 2022 at 11:30 AM

    Hi I just found out online that my partner has ocpd. He has not been diagnosed but when i read about it online there are many threads almost everything that applies to him. The worst part about this realization is that he didnt show these “symptoms” when we dated. Not until we becaume parents (almost 5 years now) of one kid it became more and more present. Its like every talk we have ends up in a discussion. Even talks about simple things. It’s like he need to prove he is right or on top of things with every subject. Its really exhausting bevause I cant have a quite intimate sitdown with him to bond or to have the feeling that he is interest and invested in me as much as i am with him. He lacks showing emotions the only emiotion he shows is anger and frustration or just a feeling of not wanted to be in my presence. His happy moments usuallyseem fake in social gatherings. Soon as we get home its kike his mask falls off And I have to deal with the real him. Its reallt hard cause i love him and try to see his positive sides and his efforts for our family but these are getting smaller to me. Because the things that matter the most is where he lacks. Emotional validation and empathy is so emportant to me and of course so our small kid. I have no idea how to adress him my thoughts on this disorder and how we should navigate into healing and understanding. Whitout me crossing my own boundaries. This article is the first one that gave me some perspective. And I might order this book as well for extra help and insight. I really want to bw happy in this relationship, were together for 8 years. But i also sometimes feel thats not gonna happen and i should just quit and im maybe better off without him. I dont have a support group or friends i can talk about it. As he is really making me feel isolated as he travels a lot for work we have little family time and when he is here is commited to his own routines work and working out. I really feel lost and alone.. i live in europe but the information in English sites has been more helpfull. Hope my spelling was alright.

    • Gary Trosclair
      · Reply

      Author
      March 9, 2022 at 5:12 PM

      Hi Butterfly. Sorry to hear of you struggles with your partner’s OCPD. My observation is that it is not unusual for men’s compulsive traits to kick in when they have kids. They feel tons of responsibility to provide. It doesn’t justify any bad behavior though. You might try the Facebook OCPD support group.
      https://www.facebook.com/groups/ocpd.support/about/
      There are people from all over the world in the group. I hope you find the book helpful if you do read it.
      Best of luck.

  • Kayleigh
    · Reply

    March 13, 2022 at 7:35 PM

    I was diagnosed with OCPD a few years back. I’m very fortunate to have a great therapist to help me, particularly in developing better relationships with others. Just here to say thank you for a post that doesn’t condescend to people with OCPD while still providing excellent advice to those working through their relationships with those who have OCPD.

    • Gary Trosclair
      · Reply

      Author
      March 19, 2022 at 2:45 PM

      Hi Kayleigh. Thanks for your comment. I’m very glad to here that the blog is helpful. I’m also glad that you’ve been able to find a helpful therapist.Best of luck!

  • Katie
    · Reply

    April 29, 2022 at 8:22 PM

    Wow- I feel a huge relief that at last I have found a name that describes what is going on for me & has been for 34 years. My partner constantly criticises me & justifies this criticism by blaming me for everything….& I have believed it all. I feel like I’m in the witness box being cross examined by a barrister. I’ve become unmotivated, depressed & in the past year suicidal because I felt so worthless.
    I had a lot of childhood trauma & lack of parental care which has somehow resulted in me being a passive person on the surface but with anxiety from the CPTSD. I have always wondered whether my anxiety was coming from my partner rather than from my past. A year ago I was diagnosed with autism & this has made my self esteem even worse because now we had a reason why everything is my fault. I feel in shock having read the article & a lot of the posts & I will reread them all because they all feel so relevant & explain so much.
    The thought of suggesting to my partner that he may have OCPD fills me with horror because I know it will spark anger & blame & all become my fault.
    I walked out 2 years ago for a year ( lockdown became unbearable & I couldn’t take it) but came back after my autism diagnosis because I really believed it was all my fault & I was to blame.
    We have been hugely successful together & this success is very much down to his organisation & brilliance- I’ve played my part ( I had 4 kids in 6 years & worked ) but our success has mainly been due to my partner- he has motivation unlike anyone else I’ve ever met.. I don’t see this critical blaming side of the OCPD being shown to anyone else ( he used to do it to the kids but stopped after my son had a huge argument with him & is now estranged from us both at 26) It is only shown to me, I have questioned whether it was gas lighting at times & have seen lies too, as someone else mentioned, but I had never heard of OCPD before reading this article.
    This feels like such a huge relief I can’t even process it right now but thank you for sharing your knowledge & the posts Gary.

    • Gary Trosclair
      · Reply

      Author
      May 4, 2022 at 7:04 PM

      Hi Katie. Glad it’s been helpful. I usually feel that it’s better to know what we are dealing with than not to! We all have our contributions to make, whatever label we are given. Best of luck. Gary

  • Loving
    · Reply

    February 23, 2023 at 11:32 AM

    Gary,

    I’m very much appreciating the content of this entire website.

    I was sorry to see here that you’re encountering the kinds of comments from people who are intent on misunderstanding your words (and ignoring important parts of what you quite carefully say) in order to fit their own narrative of being victimized by someone who is a bad person—rather than a struggling person. I maintain a project in which I focus on understanding, compassion, and healing for those with avoidant attachment patterns and encounter the same sentiments from people who cannot differentiate between the concepts of understanding and excusing.

    Keep doing this amazing work. I just ordered your book!

    • Gary Trosclair
      · Reply

      Author
      February 23, 2023 at 8:58 PM

      Thanks, and good luck with your project! Sounds great.

  • Roland
    · Reply

    March 12, 2023 at 6:46 AM

    Living with an OCPD wife has destroyed my sense of self. Constant criticism about anything
    and everything – usually small “insignificant things”, and there’s always a reason to make a point about how something is wrong, or could be done better. I’m sick of
    being looked at with disgust when I try my best, to be best I can. Normal activities become big worries and dramas, everything must be planned and entered into a list or spreadsheet. I would have more empathy, but she has slowly eroded my love of life and myself. If anyone is at the early days of this journey, please, get out whilst you still have have your soul.

  • James G
    · Reply

    April 30, 2023 at 6:54 AM

    I wish I had known about this condition before raising children – living with my OCPD wife is hell on Earth, and I’m struggling to come to terms with my situation. The words that I hear first thing in the morning are usually something to do with what I have done wrong. There’s no emotional stability at all – I’ve never met anyone who changes their mind so frequently, about enormous life-changing events. I’m so tired of the endless lists, spreadsheets and planning. I’m sick of the workaholism. I’m drained to the core by the endless stream of passive aggressive comments. I’m exhausted of the mundane occurrences, being regularly transformed into existential crises.
    Luckily though, I will be dead one day – so at least there’s some peace on the horizon 🙂

    • David
      · Reply

      April 30, 2023 at 4:18 PM

      Hi James
      I’m sorry to hear you have reached such a low point . You have written a searingly honest account of your experience of living with someone with ocpd and in that you show strength of character. Look after yourself

  • Catherine
    · Reply

    August 13, 2023 at 11:24 AM

    My husband was diagnosed with OCPD a few years back when I asked him to go to therapy after I could not get over his infidelity and it began taking over our relationship and eventually our marriage. He has refused all counseling since that time and only attended a few sessions before deciding that it was not going to do anything for him and wasn’t worth going. Each time we attended together (twice), he stood up and shouted across the room when it was my turn to speak. He gets extremely vocal, hostile, and angry whenever he has to hear anything uncomfortable and he takes everything as an insult. I cannot have a normal conversation about anything that bothers me because he will flip out too quickly. So, as you probably suspected, we do not deal with our marital issues. I am here because he is a workaholic. I have been home and have stopped my career to raise our daughter to school age. She is 7 now and I am looking to go back to full-time work. I have been renovating homes and doing mortgage lending over the past 3 years to bring in income and build up our future through real estate investing. He tells me that all I do is cost him money and it’s my fault he has to work so much. He had nearly $70K in IRS tax debt that I was unaware of because he was not filing his taxes. Outside of me filing our joint returns, we have separated a few times and he just does not file his taxes. Then I am blamed for it. He did not file prior to our meeting either. He also blamed me for those. I am the person who is blamed for everything wrong in this marriage. I feel like he resents me for catching him cheating with his ex wife…and that has also complicated things between his family and me since they were all close to her. I am not well liked and I am a different race also. I have talked to him about goals, future plans, retirement outlook, etc., and I like to plan for these things. He lives in the moment. I am constantly thinking and stressed and he is nowhere to be found. He does not talk or communicate. All we talk about is his day at work…cars. What’s for dinner. That is literally it. I have voiced my opinion so many times about these issues. I just feel like I am getting nowhere.

  • Kimberly
    · Reply

    August 23, 2023 at 2:21 AM

    Hi Barry,
    I have read your article numerous times and the comments. I have lived with what I truly believe is OCPD. In addition he cheated and kept it secret for 25 years. I don’t know if he cheated in the years I was in the dark. There were a lot of very strange things. He acts like he is religious and swears he is not still keeping secrets and/or out tight lying. Trust is difficult because of that. He swore on a Bible. I just don’t know though. We have been in therapy and that has not worked. I am 62 and just not willing to be on the merry go round anymore. He is finally in therapy and asking I stay. I am living with my son and his family for past 10 days. I could use your advice.
    Kim

    • Gary Trosclair
      · Reply

      Author
      August 23, 2023 at 2:20 PM

      Hi Kim. You addressed your comment to Barry, but I suspect you meant Gary, since I am the author of the article. It does sound like it’s been very distresing. I’m sorry but I can’t give specific advice for personal situations. I hope that you are taking care of yourself, have your own therapist, and are looking at how your own issues may make it difficult to make a decision about what to do. I hope that you are able to find a solution that works for you.

  • MD
    · Reply

    November 17, 2023 at 9:45 AM

    Gary, You have mentioned partners of people with OCPD needing to boundary set. Please can you advise further on this? Are there any books that can help? My inability to boundary set leaves me very vulnerable to my partners controlling behaviours. Why do I care that he picks up my hairs from the floor when you can only see them by kneeling down to look for them? That is very definitely his problem. Why do I care when he criticises how I fill the ice tray or do the washing up or that he comments on how long I take to do a job or how many pans I use to cook with, or that redoes jobs that I have already done? Those are his problems but I am very much hurt and now angered by all of these. If only I could let that wash over me, I think I could be in a much better place in this relationship. MD

    • Gary Trosclair
      · Reply

      Author
      November 18, 2023 at 2:18 PM

      Hi MD. It’s hard to give specific, personal advice not knowing you, but one thing that I wonder about after reading your comment is what else you have in your life that would balance out your concern for his criticisms, and why he holds so much power over you. Two books that come to mind are Co-Dependent No More by Melody Beattie, and Stop Walking on Eggshells by Paul Mason, which is intended for partners of those with borderline personality disorder, but may be helpful to you as well. You might want to question if there are previous wounds that get touched when he is critical, and how well you treat yourself. No one would like it, but if there are other hurts inside it may feel worse for you. I also would hope that you get your own therapy to help you sort this out. Good luck.

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