I got involved in the world of the obsessive-compulsive personality after working with two similar yet vastly different types of patients with compulsive drive: one managed it well, and another was run over by it. These were, respectively, healthy compulsives and unhealthy compulsives.
What made the difference?
Some were driving and others were being driven.
Some recognized compulsive tendencies as a part of themselves that they could direct and use consciously and productively. Others couldn’t recognize that something—or someone–had taken over the wheel.
Parts Work with Compulsive Drive
One of the most effective tools that’s emerged from psychotherapy over the last 100 years is to recognize different parts of our personality and get them to work together. This improves mental health.
It can be particularly helpful in bridging the gap between what you may know rationally (e.g., I am okay), and what we feel emotionally (I’m not okay).
By recognizing and personifying these personality parts we can understand and channel what drives people with Obsessive-Compulsive Personality (OCP). We can take back the wheel.
One of the best ways to do this is to have an imaginal dialogue with this part, bringing consciousness, curiosity and empathy to the interaction so that you can eventually work with it more effectively. By objectifying and labeling this driven part of you, you gain some helpful distance from it without denying its existence. You develop a relationship with it so that it works for you rather than against you.
Otherwise, there is a danger that it takes over completely. You are no longer driving your life.
An Interview with Obsessive-Compulsive
So, to demonstrate how to get this driven part to work for you, I’ll share an interview I had with it. This is a little different from a personal dialogue you might have with your own personal version of it. In this interview I’m reaching for the common denominators that I’ve witnessed in many people with OCP over the years, the archetypal version, so that you can get the big picture.
My goal in sharing this with you is to portray this part empathically as an independent entity with its own feelings. And, at the same time, to show that we need to challenge it to take responsibility.
Your personal version may be different.
Here’s my interview.
Let’s start at the beginning. Could you tell us your name?
Compulsive. Obsessive Compulsive. But my friends call me OCom.
You mean like the baseball player ARod and the singer JLo?
Right. I may not have as many social media followers, but I do have lots of people actually following me.
I see.
I understand that you’re a prototype for the obsessive-compulsive personality part that some people carry, and you’re also President of the Obsessive-Compulsive Guild.
That’s right. You might recognize us as the drive that underlies shoulds, discipline and control.
We make certain functions possible, like loading a dishwasher properly or, by obsessing, making sure you get the lowest price on that dog food–even if it does cost you 45 minutes to do so. We get things done and we get them done well. Though we’re expressed uniquely in each individual, and some of you get more of us than others, we all love scanning for errors, fixing, and finishing.
Why do you think my editor wanted me to interview you?
I’m not certain, but it does seem that a lot of people feel we make life difficult for them—high standards and all that. I am certain that we don’t intend to give anyone trouble. They use us as they will. I can see their suffering and can understand why they’re upset with me. Some people are upset because they don’t want to be this way, and others are upset because they don’t want their partners to be this way. But it’s all based on a misunderstanding.
Sometimes you guys turn up the speed and intensity on our controls. Words like urgent, necessary, must, and should drive us into overdrive. That usually happens when you feel some sort of insecurity and you feel you have to do something about it.
Our role is really to serve. But too much pressure can make it go awry, and it’s sad to have to serve the way we do sometimes.
What do you mean by service?
We are the part of a human they use to get tasks done, and done meticulously. We’re Drive and Quality rolled up into one, a combination that can be helpful or hurtful—but is intrinsically neither.
It’s kind of like eyes. You use them to see. They serve a function. Eyes are used to make impressionist art, drive cars to rodeos, and call out the otherwise winning run in a White Sox game. That’s what I mean by service. You can use me, the obsessive-compulsive part of you, to write informative blog posts, help people with psychological challenges, or cook a mighty fine turkey gumbo.
But it’s also possible, I’m sad to say, to use us for less noble purposes. No-one thinks that eyes are bad, but eyes can also be used for spying, scrutinizing, or lusting after your neighbor’s husband.
People sometimes turn up the drive and intensity on our controls without realizing it. You send us alarm signals when you feel like there’s an emergency, and we’re immediately at your disposal—whether it’s a real emergency or not. You might use us to harass your kids for getting B’s, work self-destructive hours, betray yourself to please others by being overly thorough, or get stuck trying to perfect something that’s just not perfectible.
How is it that you give people trouble?
I don’t think that we do. But we can be pretty powerful. And strength can be enlisted for good or bad. People can use us however they want to. And we don’t get much credit when it works out well. The one exception I’ve heard about is some guy who wrote a book about being a Healthy Compulsive. Can’t remember his name. But it was nice that someone gave my side of the story. So, shout out to him. Whoever he is.
Anyway, if Sally in Salinas starts to feel insecure, and turns up my intensity to get her house looking perfect, it could become a problem. I’ll go into overdrive and use a microscope to find every speck of dust in that sterile space. People blame me for her neglecting her family. They say, “She’s so obsessive-compulsive!”
But it’s not my fault! I’m just the software used to detect what’s good and what’s bad, and to fix what’s bad. I’m just the capacity. She chooses how to use me.
Or at least she used to.
Eventually she ratcheted my settings up to High, planted me in the driver’s seat, and tuned out. I mean she could use me to make sure she spends quality time with her family and takes better care of herself. We could even make a spreadsheet together to make sure that happened!
Why do you think she did it?
Sally? Oh, Lordy, that poor girl. She was definitely born with a very large dose of me already genetically installed. But her mother. Geez! You’ve never seen anyone so critical! Whenever Sally would get something wrong her mother would lock her in her room until she apologized. Believe it or not, her Mom meant well—and that’s part of what made it harder for Sally. Let’s just say her mom wasn’t very skilled at parenting. She had her own problems growing up. And she and Sally were not a good fit.
Anyway, here’s the kicker. Sally had to find some way to cope with the criticism so she got me involved. Think of me as an app that rolls planning, order and perfection all into one utility. You can download me and use me like a sentry to keep people like Sally’s mom from giving you trouble. It’s not just that Sally wants a clean house, she feels she urgently needs to have a perfectly clean house so as not to be shamed.
When Sally has a decision to make now as an adult about how to live, she’s got her Mom’s critical voice in the back of her head. So she just turns things over to me, thinking I can save her from imperfection and criticism. I don’t mind helping out—that’s what I’m here for, but I’d much rather help someone clean their house motivated by desire and passion rather than fear of shame.
I’m not saying Sally or anyone else does this consciously. It goes on in the background. If you fear that you aren’t loveable, morally good, or competent, you may—without knowing it—send us a frantic signal that we need to jump into action.
But this sounds to me like you want to deny your responsibility. Aren’t you playing the innocent here? A lot of people really suffer from obsessive-compulsive personality disorder.
That’s true. But it sounds like you want someone to blame. I see you’ve got your own critical compulsive drive in there.
Wait, you just blamed my compulsive drive for being critical. Isn’t that acknowledging that you guys can get judgmental? Can you consider that maybe you have your own shadow side, your own unhealthy aspects?
Well…put it that way and I’ll cop to it. I feel a ton of responsibility, and maybe sometimes I push too hard to get things right. Yeah, ironically, I’m not perfect. And it’s doubly ironic because I feel this pressure to be so good that I get defensive at times.
Here’s a really important thing you guys should know about us: it’s easier to activate us than to deactivate us. You send an alarm and I’m immediately scanning for imperfections and ways to fix them. It’s very hard to stop me once I get started. No offense to God, but it I think it’s a really unfortunate design flaw.
So, you’re right. Sometimes we do need to hear that we’ve gotten too zealous and too controlling. Like everything in nature, we’re not perfect by human standards, and sometimes we get stuck in urgent mode.
And what about when you get so critical of people?
Yeah, that can get pretty heavy. But it can also have its purpose. Sometimes being able to see other people’s shadow side before they hurt you is helpful. And, if you’re feeling insecure you might give me the message that I’ve got to put others down so you don’t feel so bad. Or, you might assign me to keep you on the straight and narrow with pre-emptive criticism. I’ll take some responsibility for this, but fixing it will take cooperation between us.
So, what do you suggest people do to make the best use of you?
How much time do we have? I could go on and on….I love giving advice…Anyway…
• Name your insecurities and question them. That way, you don’t have to decide on the run whether you have to send us alarm signals because you think you’re somehow deficient and in need of propping up.
• Notice physical and emotional signs of urgency and necessity. These often lead you to turn up our speed and intensity. It’s usually not as dire as you make it seem to us.
• Pause before you send an alarm. And if you do send an alarm, when things are safe again, send a physical message to break out of emergency mode: breathe deeply, tense and release muscles, drop the shoulders. This might take a lot of repetition, but it’s a great tool to have.
• Talk to your own version of me. Get to know what triggers it.
• Pick one specific goal to work on together for a week. In the same way that you might enlist me to plan and execute a reorganization of all your closets, unleash my determination and focus onto more psychological projects. For example:
– Make it a point not to correct other people. At all.
– Don’t work more than 8 hours a day.
– Limit yourself to cleaning the house just once a week.
– Actively value being decisive more than being perfect. Don’t spend more than 5 minutes on any decisions.
• You may need to imagine politely pushing me out of the driver’s seat and consciously climbing into that seat yourself. Accept that you’re not going to be perfect, not everything will be resolved, and there will continue to be chaos in the world no matter how hard you battle it.
• But most of all, question just how good you need to be. No one expects you to be perfect. And if they do, run the other way.
* * *
I conducted my own personal interview with OCom and decided to call him Archibald. Archie for short. I won’t claim to have mastered this technique, but I have found it helpful when I’m tempted to correct someone, linger over some meaningless detail, or go childish when the world isn’t As It Should Be.
I say to myself, “Oh that’s just Archie again. Maybe I cranked him up too much, and maybe he’s stuck in control mode. I’ll send a message that the coast is clear.”
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