People sometimes ask whether they need to dig deep down into their history to feel better, or whether they’re better off leaving the past in the ground and focusing on the present.
Understandably, some people fear that revisiting the past would bring old painful memories to the surface for no purpose. Since we all eventually need to let go of what happened, why go through the intermediate step of subjecting yourself to the emotions that will come up when you can just move on and live in the present? After all, mindfulness, which has very robust research supporting its benefits, is all about being in the present.
And besides, blaming your past for your present problems seems pretty immature.
Psychotherapists take different approaches to this question. Some feel that understanding your past is essential. Others feel that it can be counterproductive and suggest that it’s better to just concentrate on what’s happening now. It might seem like burying the past is the strong and noble thing to do. There is much more to us than our past, and we shouldn’t give it power over us.
But this dichotomy misses the point. Understanding the past can be helpful, but only insofar as it helps you leave it behind and better adapt to the present moment. And whether we like it or not, the past makes itself known in the present, no matter how deeply it seems to be buried.
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Reasons to Unearth the Past
In response to the idea that the past is only the past and it’s best sent to landfills with leisure suits, pogo sticks, and VHS tapes, we need to recognize that until we make a concerted effort not to, most of us live as if we are still in the past–and it’s not always obvious.
Just because you’ve buried the past doesn’t mean that it’s not still haunting you. Unearth it, and you can understand what memories are still troubling you, see their effects more clearly, and, by exposing them to the air and the sunlight, dry them out so their energy dissipates.
Here are three good reasons to unearth the past:
- You adopted a narrative about it that’s inaccurate and limiting you now.
- You developed a coping strategy to deal with it that’s no longer effective.
- You buried parts of yourself that seemed unacceptable, but are actually essential to becoming whole.
Once you become aware of these, you have more options.
It is understandable that anger, sadness, resentment, guilt, shame and anxiety can emerge when processing the past. But eventually we all need to come to terms with the disappointments, understand our parents’ shortcomings, and move on to pursue the things that have the most value for us–in the present. Skipping the step of emotional processing usually doesn’t work.
While you may need to express emotions of anger or deep disappointment, this is not about blame. It’s about understanding how you adapted to difficult circumstances.
As I explain in more detail in my book, The Healthy Compulsive, we all find ways to adapt to the inevitable imperfections and even horrors of our families. Some of these strategies are constructive, but many of them don’t work well in adulthood. We continue to use the same strategies as if we were still in the past.
If we aren’t able to pursue what has meaning for us in the present, we may need to go back and ask what purpose our coping strategy served then, whether it still serves us now, and what valuable parts of ourselves were lost when we buried them.
Buried Treasure
Another reason we sometimes need to revisit our past is when we were trying to adapt to our environment, we left parts of ourselves behind. Because of our parents, peers or environment, we sometimes felt that there were acceptable parts of us and unacceptable parts of us. We started to distinguish between them as me and not me, and buried the not me parts as deeply as possible. But too often what we thought was not me was actually essential me.
If you unearth your past, you might find some treasure buried there—parts of you that didn’t fit in with your family or environment.
What you find when you dig down may be more than just your parents’ shortcomings. You may also recall who you were before you developed a skewed strategy, what had the most meaning for you, and the beginning of a new path forward.
Example: Simba Reclaims His Identity and His Wholeness
Simba’s father was murdered when Simba was very young. As is not unusual, he felt responsible, inaccurately, and had terrible guilt. Wanting to get away from those feelings he left home and tried his best to forget it all. He feared that if he did return, he would be rejected for his wrongdoings rather than welcomed as the prodigal son.
Instead, he learned to savor the present moment. He fell in with a crowd that, while supporting him on a superficial level, did not support his evolution or his true self. It was hakuna matata (Swahili for “no problems, no worries”) all day, everyday.
But something wasn’t right. He tried to bury the past, but he could still sense it lying under his very foundation.
His narrative was inaccurate. He was not responsible for his father’s death.
His strategy of avoidance left him empty. He had lost himself.
He realized he needed to face the past, return home to reclaim his birthright identity, and fulfill his responsibility to his community. Once he did, he was whole again.
The friends who taught him makuna matata return to his kingdom with him, indicating he lives a balanced life, with appreciation for the present moment alongside that of duty.
The good folks at Disney didn’t just fall off a turnip truck. They choose archetypal themes that transcend the individual, and can serve as guides when we find ourselves in similar circumstances. Simba wasn’t the only one who wanted to leave their past behind.
Similarly, we may lose a sense of our own worth, dignity and possibility, and become too afraid to face our past. Sadly, that’s based on a false narrative and flawed strategy. Reclaiming our identity may entail fighting off other forces. But it is worth it.
Reasons Not to Unearth the Past
But before we dig in to some more examples, let’s acknowledge that there are times when it’s not good to unearth the past:
- You’re already buried up to your neck in the past and are aware of your narrative and strategy.
- You’re caught in resentment, anger or depression about your past.
- Things are actually really good now.
If your past was especially difficult, and you do not have any support to deal with it, it may be best to wait until you do. One of the painful things about the past is often that we were alone with our struggles. Trying to process it without support may trigger severe feelings of isolation. This isn’t an issue for everyone, but go easy if you are wary.
As therapists, clients, or just explorers, we need to be aware of the danger of reducing our struggles to parental deficits, peer insults, and environmental affronts. And we need to be aware of the possibility of getting stuck in the past. There is far more to who we are, including our inborn nature and its call for self-actualization.
Still, for many, separating past from present by allowing themselves to experience the past emotionally is essential. So, let’s consider some examples. And please be aware that my examples are always simplified composites with identifying material concealed.
Cary Records Her Childhood
Cary’s father never missed a beat when it came to her education. As a single dad, he felt that it was his responsibility to teach her everything she needed to know to get by in the world, despite any discomfort it might cause her. “Ya gotta prepare these kids for the real world, even if it feels bad! The world is tough and you gotta be tough too,” he said.
Anytime she used a dash instead of a comma, cut a corner mowing the lawn, or turned on her turn signal less than the proper 50 yards in advance, he’d shower her with expletives, downgrades to her self-esteem, and, his favorite saying, “Will your blunders never cease?”
Her mind recorded every word he said, and even though she couldn’t consciously recall everything he said, the tapes were always playing. Like a mosquito in her ear screaming “I’m going to bite you, watch out!”
So what did she do?
Cary Develops a Limiting Strategy
Cary became a champion preventer and perfecter. Dubbed “Careful Cary” by her friends, even decades after leaving home, any action on her part that could have earned her father’s wrath was prepared with the meticulousness of a Michelin chef. Despite having a husband and a child that loved her, and a career that brought her satisfaction and a comfortable lifestyle, she still lived in the past, as if her father would yell at her again if she didn’t get it “just right.”
This tendency was somewhat beneficial at her job, but even her manager commented in her review every year that she should stop getting bogged down in the details.
And while her family loved her, they did roll their eyes at the spreadsheets she constructed for vacation packing months before the trip so she wouldn’t feel the terror of possibly forgetting something. And her husband was beginning to run low on patience for her hyper-conscientiousness. Worse, she could never relax and enjoy the life she had diligently built for herself.
While she maintained contact with her father, and knew that he had been a severe parent, she felt the strong thing to do, the honorable thing to do, was quarantine him in her mind and move on. Always move on. Never stop moving on. He was trying his best. Let it go.
But because of the growing friction in her family, and the absolute dearth of peace and joy in her psyche, she eventually realized that she needed to unearth what had happened to her. She needed to see the connection between being so careful and wanting to escape her father’s reproach so that she could make better decisions in the present.
The story she unearthed was that she was only loveable if she was careful and perfect.
Perhaps more importantly, Cary unearthed her carefree side, the part of her that had to been buried because it did not suit her father.
So, yes, this one is obvious. Here’s a story that isn’t so obvious.
How Did Austin Get Lost?
Austin came from a very stable family. His parents were both school teachers and their parenting was well within the “good enough” range, if not better. They gave Austin plenty of support for whatever he wanted to do, without putting pressure on him.
Perfect childhood, no?
Maybe not for Austin. He wasn’t so convinced he was so great. How could he be sure his parents were right about him? The other kids were smarter and more talented than he was. He couldn’t get into the AP classes, onto the soccer team, or out of his inferior social standing. Yes, his parents said they loved him just as he was, but given his situation that didn’t seem to make much difference.
As an adult, Austin still lived in the past. But in his case it wasn’t so obvious what was wrong with that past that would cause him to live as he did. He didn’t want to blame his parents, and saw no reason to unearth things. What had been buried was his fear that he didn’t merit his parents’ support. Austin coped not by trying to prove he was worthy, but by acting as if it didn’t matter. Sex, drugs and rap and roll were much more in his reach. But he was dismissive even of those.
The inaccurate story he had developed in adolescence, and unearthed as an adult, was that none of his history mattered. In fact, that nothing at all mattered. The strategy he unearthed was that it is better to give up than feel inferior.
Was it helpful for Austin to explore his past? Definitely. It wasn’t that his parents were monsters. After some time in therapy he came to recognize his indifference as a defense, one he had also played out in his sessions with his therapist, claiming that he was coming only because his girlfriend told him to. He came to realize that telling himself that he didn’t care was his way of handling fears that he wasn’t good enough.
He recalled his frustration with his parents’ positivity, and perhaps more importantly, the embarrassment he felt among his classmates. This was not an obvious case of parental failure, but of poor fit. Another child may have thrived in that environment. But given Austin’s nature it was not a good fit.
What he also unearthed were seeds of hope, excitement and passion, seeds that had been buried so deeply they couldn’t grow.
Example: Regina Recalls Her Mother
Regina was having a hard time getting out of the house and back into the job market. She had worked in finance for 6 years, but had left after a disagreement with her last manager. She had had some difficulties with colleagues as well. She now avoided most contact with the outside world, except with her doctors.
More specifically she avoided just about anything that she feared would disappoint her. She feared she’d get too depressed if a job or a friendship didn’t work out. She was unable to tolerate risk. Having done well financially at her job, she had enough savings to survive for a few years—for better or worse.
She had broken off contact with her parents as soon as she was old enough. It might have looked like she had left them behind and had become a young professional who could manage life for herself. But the truth was, her avoidance of risk and disappointment was just another version of her mother’s approach to life, and her own way of avoiding disappointment.
Her mother had been only marginally employed, and had never pursued any passions. She tried to avoid disappointment by not taking any risks, and buoyed herself by putting others down.
Her mother had wanted a boy for a child, and when Regina came along, her disappointment was clear. She taunted Regina as a know-it-all, completely disregarded her pleas not to smoke with her in the car, and neglected essential tasks like setting up dentist appointments for her.
She was very discouraging to Regina, and she tried to make it seem as if this was her way of caring. “Don’t apply to that school. You’d never get in and you’d be devastated. And quit playing all those stupid computer games. Who do you think you are?” It’s hard to feel that someone literally blowing smoke in your face really cares about you, so it never really seemed to Regina that her mother had cared.
Regina dealt with her mother’s discouragement by hiding anything she wanted or was excited about. Eventually she hid these things from herself as well, and her life became very constricted.
Regina had written off her mother long ago with the belief that that was just a past chapter in her life best forgotten. She had come a long way since her childhood, she was-self-supporting, and she would not let her mother get in her way. She rarely mentioned her mother in session. She was irrelevant, as far as she was concerned, and to mention her in session would be to give her more power than she wanted to.
But in one session, as she listened to the discouraging tapes in her head, she realized that, in a particular way, they sounded just like her mother. It mocked her hopes and ambitions, telling her she would only be disappointed if she reached for something she wanted.
I asked her what she was feeling as she told me about this. Anger. At her mother, at the tape, but also at herself for listening to it.
We had known for some time that Regina was limited by voices in her head. But she had not put together the tape and her mother. It hadn’t made sense before because this voice was different from her mother’s, and it tried to sound protective. Regina’s mother had only been protective of herself, not her daughter. It was just the content that Regina had adopted.
Her anger at herself, the tape and her mother mobilized her to push back, not take the voice literally, and begin taking some risks of going after what she wanted.
Had Regina continued to write off her mother as inconsequential she would have continued to listen to the discouraging voice and live a very limited life.
What Regina unearthed was her failing strategy of self-protection, her deep fear of disappointment, an understanding of why she couldn’t allow herself to get excited about anything, and, now, many more options for living.
Moving Forward and Becoming Whole
Unearthing your past is only a means to an end, and it helps to know what that end is. List 5 or 10 things about how you want to live (e.g. freely) and your goals (e.g. good relationships), and keep those in mind as you uncover your narrative and strategy. Ask yourself whether those get in the way of what’s most important to you. Keeping your values in mind can give you energy when the digging gets difficult.
Depending on the nature of your past history, it may be a good idea to have a therapist to work with you on it. Or you can join a support group with which you feel some affiliation. However, if those are not options, you can write about your values, past, narrative and strategy in a journal. Research has found that such writing can be helpful.
One way to proceed is to write out what you feel are the most emotionally significant events in your life, and how you have handled those. The story you have told yourself about your past may or may not be accurate, and the way that you handled it may or may not still be helpful to you.
Whichever way you proceed, don’t try to bypass feelings as they surface in the unearthing. Make space for them without believing them. Observe them without identifying with them. Each time memories come up into consciousness, we have the opportunity to change them so that they are not as upsetting. Expressing them in a safe, secure setting can re-code the memory to make it more tolerable.
If you have trauma in your past, or you are finding the emotions that come up difficult to handle, consider using a workbook such as The Adverse Childhood Experiences Recovery Workbook, by Glenn, R. Schiraldi, Ph.D. Workbooks such as this one can serve as a counterbalance to the more challenging emotions that can come up.
Let’s finish with an inspiring poem by David Whyte called Yorkshire, from his book The House of Belonging (Many Rivers Press 2019, page 46), which, I believe, speaks beautifully to the possibility of unearthing the past as a way of moving forward.
Here is an excerpt:
Let my history then
be a gate unfastened
to a new life
and not a barrier
to my becoming.
Let me find the ghosts
and histories and barely imagined future
of this world,
and let me now have
the innocence to grow
just as well in shadow or light
by what is gifted
in this land
as the one to which I was born.
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