The Need to Control: A Compulsive Recipe for Poor Health

Norman was taking his family out to dinner for a special occasion and he had a need to control it. They had reservations for six o’clock and no-one was moving or listening. Norman was the only one that seemed aware that time was ticking away. No one else seemed to care that they’d probably be late. Everyone else was simply primed for a good time. Not on-time.

During this episode, and other episodes almost daily, Norman’s need for control sent the stress hormone cortisol crashing through his system.

His blood pressure went up. His patience went down.  His frustration went up and his fist came down hard on the counter. His bruised hand was only an outer manifestation of what his need to control did to his health.

Like many people with a need to control, Norman had OCPD (obsessive-compulsive personality disorder).  People with this disorder usually feel that control is the only way to deal with their anxiety. For Norman it was anxiety about getting in trouble. But it caused him more suffering than getting in trouble would have.  And it was only going to cause him more suffering as his health got worse.

Is Your Health a Priority?

I often emphasize the importance of living your life based on what’s really important to you. While there are compulsives who are obsessed with health, most compulsives don’t put health on their list at all, unless you ask them about it.  So I’m asking you about it now.

If your health was really important to you, would you try to control things so much?

Because compulsives prioritize fixing, perfecting and controlling, and because each of these causes stress since we’re limited in how much we can fix, perfect and control, compulsives are at greater risk for ensuing medical problems.

The Need to Control, Cortisol and The Doomed Short-Term Fix

You may say, “But I actually feel less stressed when I do fix, perfect, and control.”

I get it. But my observation and experience is that those times when control does make us feel better are few and short-lived. It’s usually not long before the next control issue arrives and robs you of that fleeting peace. If it does make you feel better, it’s probably just because you’re too tightly wound in the first place.

The doomed attempt to fix, perfect, and control puts your body on constant high alert. It feels like, “This is an emergency! A threat to my well-being!” Your death grip on the way you think things should be not only keeps your muscles tense much of the time, it also leads you to produce lots of the stress hormone cortisol.

The compulsive disposition—fixing, perfecting and controlling–can be healthy and productive when used consciously. But if you’re too often at odds with the way things actually are, it can also lead to chronic stress. You communicate unwittingly to your body that there is danger ahead if things don’t go as you think they should go.

Enter tons of cortisol. Well, maybe not tons, but far more than is good for your body. Enough to become toxic.

If the body never gets a clear signal to let go and return to normal functioning, it keeps sending out more cortisol. And you don’t want to know what that does to your body.

But I’m going to tell you anyway:

• Headaches
• Muscle tension or pain
• Chest pain
• Fatigue
• Diminished sex drive
• Stomach upset
• Sleep problems
• Inflammation of the circulatory system, increasing risk for hypertension, heart attack, and stroke.

 

So, what’s more important, getting everyone to the restaurant on time, or your long-term health?

Fixing the Problem of Fixing

But don’t stress about this! Humans are able to modify what we perceive as dangerous and stressful, and how we respond to it.

Doing so is neither easy nor quick, but one of the good things about being compulsive is that you can use your natural determination to get healthier. And compulsives have a natural tendency to fix things that can be aimed at the underlying problem rather than trying to put out fires all the time.

Here are four steps to lower your stress and over-production of cortisol:

1. Listen to Your Body

One of the things that makes this change difficult is that the most harmful physical effects of stress can take years to show up. So you might not be aware of it happening.

But it’s not as if your body hasn’t been trying to tell you. Your body usually does send you a signal telling you that you’ve gone too far in trying to control. You’ve just been ignoring it.

Most compulsives will heroically power through even when their body says “WHOA! This feels bad!”

When you feel yourself beginning to get tense, ask your body what it needs: more control, more productivity, more people-pleasing, more obsessing? Or, rather, releasing the efforts to control that are making your body feel so bad?

Too often compulsives use their bodies as vehicles or slaves, and too seldom as a source of pleasure and wisdom. The wisdom here is that the tension and discomfort you feel in your body is a message that your attempt to control is out of balance.

Receiving this message and letting go may not come easily to you. It may require practice.

2. Train Yourself Physically to Let Go: Muscle Memory

You can use meditation, progressive muscle relaxation, and deep breathing to put the brakes on stress and cortisol production. Learn to use these to send a signal to your body that it’s okay to return to normal functioning and normal levels of cortisol release.

This does take practice, but it is worth it.

3. Train Yourself Mentally to Let Go: Mental Muscle Memory

It’s also important to prevent your body from getting stressed in the first place. This requires a change in thinking, priorities, and awareness. If you can reach deeper and try to get to the root of the problem, the belief that you need to control things and the delusion that you can control them, you will be healthier.

Your desire for some control will never go away, nor should it. But you can be more selective about what’s important to control and what isn’t.

• Challenge your beliefs about what really needs to be controlled.
• Identify the anxiety that leads you to try to control:
  • Fear of getting in trouble?
  • Not getting what you want?
  • Having people think badly of you?

4. Use Your “Control Energy” for the Projects That Have Meaning

Prioritize what’s really important over all the small stuff. Your energy, determination, and even your compulsions, have purpose. You’ll need to figure out what they are really for and direct them consciously so that you are driving, not your underlying anxiety.

So, what are you going to the restaurant for in the first place?

• • • To prove that you’re punctual?
    • Or to celebrate and bond with the people you love?

Learn more about the pitfalls and potentials of the compulsive’s relationship with their body in The Healthy Compulsive book.