This is the third of four posts describing in greater detail four types of obsessive-compulsive personality. These types overlap, and my terms for them are intended as invitations to flexibly explore your own tendencies–not as iron-clad categories to imprison you.
If you’re trying to understand yourself or a loved one, the existing psychiatric diagnostic criteria may leave you with questions. So, I’m offering these four types as ways to better understand how perfectionism and control can manifest in different ways, and, hopefully, to lead to better treatment outcomes.
To be really simplistic about it, the type I’ll explore in this post describes compulsives whose abundant energies are aimed toward other people; helping them, being liked by them, and never, ever disappointing them. It’s human to want to be liked, but when that desire to be liked gets amplified by the inclinations of the obsessive-compulsive personality, the desire to be liked gets very loud, and the needs of the true self can’t be heard. And much of what it has to offer is lost.
They become people pleasers.
I call this third type of compulsive personality the Server-Friend. This type enlists their natural tendency to be meticulous, productive, and organized to foster relationships or to gain the approval of others. Server-Friends may exercise their social tendencies professionally or personally: nurse, parent, sibling, county clerk, or death metal drummer. They use their perfectionistic tendencies to get others to approve of them or like them.
There are worse ways to spend your life, but this one also can rob you of a richer, more fulfilling way to live.
Contents
Strengths of the Server-Friend
Server-Friends focus on relationships and connecting through service and loyalty. At the healthy end of the compulsive spectrum, the Server-Friend extends a natural care and generosity to others. This can help develop a good support system and network of friends. It can also help them complete projects successfully when they trust others enough to accept their help.
As with other types of OCP, the Server-Friend is conscientious and capable of delaying gratification. They enlist these qualities with the specific goal of not letting others down.
As workers they take direction well and are cooperative with peers. They are agreeable.
Server-Friends can make great partners. They enlist their attention to detail and determination to make sure that their partner is happy with them. They are considerate and sensitive. Ideally they can provide helpful and realistic feedback to the people they care about.
As parents they are very attentive to their children’s needs.
Dangers for People Pleasers: Too Much of a Good Thing
But at the unhealthy end of the Server-Friend spectrum they simply comply with whatever they think others want from them—using their obsessive and compulsive skills to try to gain approval. Getting in trouble and having anyone angry at them are extremely disturbing. Conflict avoidance is pursued as if it were a committed spiritual practice. Their control tendencies are enlisted in subtly managing the opinions of others.
Most humans want to be liked for who they are. There’s nothing unhealthy about that. The danger is in putting the cart before the horse. They try to figure out what people want from them first, rather than think about who they are and what they have to offer naturally. They imagine they will be liked for what they do, rather than for who they are. (Compulsives are human doings after all, not human beings.)
One of their greatest fears is of disappointing others, and they will obsess and work to prevent it. But they may well misread what others expect of them. One the one hand, the Server-Friend is hyper-vigilant regarding social cues. On the other hand they often misread social cues, thinking that more is expected of them than really is. This is known as demand sensitivity. They take too much responsibility and apologize a lot.
As workers they are vulnerable to giving too much and becoming resentful or burned out. Their capacity to be productive may be hijacked to get approval. And if they are too attuned to others, they may not be able to tune into their own capacity for leadership, drive for achievement, and potential to bring creative ideas to fruition.
As partners, their flexibility and tendency to accommodate can be nice for a while, but it can also start to wear thin. “Where do you want to go to dinner?” “What do you like in the bedroom?” If you are on the other end of this, you may feel like your partner is missing, but really you’re just missing something from your partner. They are less likely to cultivate their own opinions and express them.
Another potential danger for Server-Friends in partnerships is that after being compliant for a couple of months or a couple of decades they may then become defiant. People with obsessive-compulsive personalities often have a deep conflict between compliance and defiance. They feel they should do the “right” thing, but underneath feel resentment about having to do it. In some cases this can lead to defiance, also known as demand resistance. “Not doing” what others want becomes the only solution since “doing,” may feel like it risks starting a conflict. So, after a while, defiance starts to win out over compliance and being passive-aggressive becomes the new strategy. In a certain way that’s progress, but it’s only progress in the sense that you start to go east rather than west, when you really want to go north.
As parents, attunement to a child can be a great thing, but too much of a great thing is not such a great thing. If children never have to encounter frustration or limits, they’ll have a very difficult time adjusting to a world that could care less whether they get the latest flavor of Skittles, the newest video game, or tickets to the next Taylor Swift concert. Avoiding their disappointment, discontent and disapproval will cripple them. While parents are servers to their children to some extent, if you can’t set limits and boundaries you’re both in for a Really Bad Time. Partly because the child won’t develop any resilience, but also because you’ll get walked over, and eventually become a walking time bomb, with resentment building up at every trip to Candy Cottage and every episode of The Berenstain Bears.
Source of the Problem: Insecurity
As with all four types, Server-Friends move toward the unhealthy end of the spectrum when they feel insecure. This insecurity comes in many flavors. Typically they include insecurity about how loveable they are, how good (virtuous) they are, and how respected they are.
Their capacity for connection and caring can be enlisted for the wrong purpose. Ideally it’s used to care for others and foster relationships. Not for boosting security. Don’t use Gorilla Glue as pancake syrup. Natural connections boost security naturally. Obedient connections boost insecurity unnaturally.
Pleasing and perfecting are the foundation of the strategy they use for avoiding criticism. These function as a sort of base that the pleaser runs to for security. It’s as if life were one big dangerous game of tag and they’re always afraid of being tagged with condemnation.
People pleasers develop these habits because they don’t have faith in their own capacities and character, or that others will respect their capacities and character. Their coping pattern is similar to the one that people with dependent personality use: I’m not good enough to take care of myself so I will ingratiate myself to you so that you can help me survive.
Suffering of the Server-Friend
You might not notice the suffering of the Server-Friend at first, but it’s very real. They’re very good at fitting in and not causing trouble. They are “good” people. Compulsively good people. Good boys. Good girls. Good soldiers. Good workers. Too good for their own good.
Their suffering is usually more internal, and they can become martyrs. They may not express their suffering because they don’t want to bore others, and because it seems virtuous to suffer and not express it. They take a cue from the Bible: “We also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance.” Romans 5:3.
Both anxiety and depression may increase with this strategy. Anxiety increases because they systematically avoid their deepest fears, which is a recipe for greater anxiety. Depression increases because people-pleasing isn’t fulfilling enough. They lose their authenticity and their unique gifts because they are too busy forecasting the reactions of others rather than following their own passions.
The Gods Have Become Diseases
Various archetypes form the foundation of the Server-Friend: The Caregiver, The Ally, The Innocent, The Servant and The Friend. These all describe a role of supporting and helping others.
Servers have a noble history. Knights of the Round Table weren’t just galivanting around nilly-willy wherever they felt like going. That would be backwards. They were in service to an ideal.
But for this episode, rather than use a Greek god as an example, I’m going to tell you the stories of two literary characters. The first is a good illustration of an unhealthy Server-Friend, a good example in the sense that he was so extreme in his devotion to the role, and so extreme in his failure to develop other aspects of his personality. The second is the story of a heroine who is a good example of someone who successfully developed all four aspects of her compulsive personality, though we know her largely as a Server-Friend.
The Remains of the Server
Conjure in your mind a stereotypical English butler. His name is simply “Stevens.” That’s right, he has no first name, which tells us a lot about how he has limited the expansion of his personality. Obsessive-compulsive personified. Upright, serious, calm, implacable, and oh so proper and perfectionist. [Spoiler alert-This is the story of Remains of the Day.]
Perfection for him is perfect service to the owner of the manor where he works, even if that means facilitating his meetings with Nazis and overlooking what that might mean. Serving with dignity takes on religious dimensions for him. Nothing, and I mean nothing, will get in his way.
We first meet Stevens when he has made an insignificant error and begins the process of resigning his position as butler. Talk about a guilt complex. His boss will have none of it and keeps him on. Stevens misreads what’s expected of him—always thinking the demands are more rigorous than they actually are.
Stevens’ father is dying, but he can’t take a moment to tend to him. He’s too busy being in service.
He obsesses about a woman he might have married 20 years ago. She was in service at the same manor, and without being inappropriate, made it known that she would be interested in marriage. While he was excited by the possibility, he passed on it so that he could remain the perfect unencumbered butler. Or at least that’s how he justifies it. We can safely assume he has deeper, more painful reasons for not getting involved in a relationship, probably unknown even to himself. Anyway, she leaves and finds work and love elsewhere. He stays and serves. Alone.
He goes on a very rare vacation, a road trip which just happens to take him to where this woman lives now. He’s hoping she’ll return to where he works and…well…who knows what could happen. They meet for lunch, she passes on his offer to return to service where he works. His life passes before him.
Later that day, Stevens goes to a dock at dusk. Beautiful lights reflect on the water as he reflects on himself. He seems to become more conscious of how he has lived his life, the missed opportunities and questionable loyalty. But given how late in the day and how late in his life it is, he decides that by working harder at learning to banter with his boss, he might find more joy in his position. That’s how he imagines he can enjoy the remains of this day and all his days. Sadly, there is not much remaining of Stevens by that point to enjoy anything.
While he had to develop leadership for the rest of the staff as a butler, and he works very hard, he didn’t really develop these as aspects of his own personality. They are only activated in service to others.
I’ve borrowed this story completely from Kazuo Ishiguro’s highly acclaimed novel, The Remains of the Day. Stevens is an extreme example, but he serves our purposes well (which he’d be happy to know). His zeal for service meant that he didn’t develop any other aspect of himself. Service is an ideal for him for which he sacrifices everything, including the possibility of companionship and his relationship with his father. He is left with his pride and his dignity. But that’s all.
Now let’s look at a much healthier version.
Hermione Granger—A Friend with Healthy Benefits
For an inspiring example of someone who achieved balance in this role, let’s turn to Harry Potter’s faithful friend, Hermione Granger. Her loyalty to Harry is steadfast and admirable. She serves as a lieutenant in his war against Voldemort. She rescues him more than once. So, at least as portrayed in her role in the Potter series, she’s a good Server-Friend.
But clearly she’s also developed other aspects of her obsessive-compulsive personality.
When she needs to, she can take leadership. She knows the rules and generally follows them, but when it’s important, she’s willing to break them. She can be opinionated and blunt. So, she has developed aspects of the Leader-Teacher.
She works hard, studies constantly, and always gets the highest grades. So, she has developed aspects of the Worker-Doer.
Extremely smart, she’s reflective and thinks clearly. She’s perfectionist, and spends copious amounts of time in the library, learning and developing her capacity for reason, so she has developed her Thinker-Planner side.
But perhaps the best indication we have that she is a really healthy Server-Friend is that she can set Harry straight when he needs it. She’s not afraid to challenge him. This comes out of real love, not just a desperate need for approval.
We could do worse than taking Hermione as a model.
Assessment and Balance
If you want to assess where you stand in on the scale of healthy to unhealthy in regard to the Server-Friend, consider your motivation: are you pleasing others to quiet your fears, or because this is really how you want to live? Are you avoiding your dread, or approaching your passion?
Here are some important steps to take in developing a more rounded personality:
• Cultivate your own ambitions and opinions. Reflect on what you want, feel and believe, rather than reacting or responding to what others want.
• Spend time alone so that you can hear your own thoughts and feelings.
• Because not everyone is going to like who you are, you’ll need to find your people—the people who appreciate you in your most natural state.
• Learn to say no, set boundaries, and risk the disapproval of others.
• Face down your fears of disappointing or angering others. Expose yourself to the thing you fear in realistic doses.
• Develop confidence that who you are and what you have to offer is good enough.
• Identify what you feel is most important and pursue that directly rather than through the approval of others.
If you are by nature a caregiver or helper, cultivating these other parts of our personality will help you serve in the most effective way. Ideally that will be fulfilling for you as well.
* * *
If you haven’t read it yet, you might find my original post on the subject helpful: Understanding the Four Types of Compulsive Personality to Achieve Balance.
You can find the previous two posts in this series here: The Compulsive Teacher-Leader: Bully or Mentor?, and The Compulsive Worker-Doer: Destined for Burnout or Fulfillment?
The fourth and final post in this series, about the Thinker-Planner and their tendency to obsess and procrastinate, is scheduled to come out in two weeks. Subscribe so that you get an email with a link when it comes out.
1 Comment
Leave your reply.