Befriending Adaptive Perfectionism: From Villain to Ally

We’ve got Perfectionism all wrong. The problem is not his high standards but the conceit of perfectibility and severe judgmentalism that he was forced to take on.

It wasn’t fair of us. It was like blaming the drummer in your band because the sax player is out of tune. The drummer sets the tempo. His job shouldn’t be to police intonation. But that’s what we’ve forced him to do.

The solution is not to fire Perfectionism but to befriend him so that we can manage him better, and, together, return to the pursuit of purpose. We can cultivate adaptive perfectionism. Or, to stick with our analogy, get to know the drummer better. We can tell him it’s not his job to fix the intonation so that he can stop worrying about the sax player being out of tune and go back to creating the groove. He’s gotten off track. But we can fix that.

I’ve befriended Perfectionism. I realize that this is subversive since we’re in the middle of a witch hunt in which we’re supposed to snuff him out whenever he dares show his face.

When you make friends with someone, it doesn’t mean you’re all gaga about everything they do.  No. In fact, if you’re really close to them you’re aware of their shortcomings, their shadow side.

And it doesn’t mean you send them off to Alcatraz for quarantine.

Rather it means you tell them when they’re out-of-bounds and steer them back to their original purpose.

None of my friends are perfect, (sorry guys). Including Perfectionism.

(Please feel free to substitute she and hers, or they and theirs, for him and his. This is just how I experience Perfectionism.)

Perfectionism Persisting: Adaptive and Maladaptive

Perfectionism is the wellness industry’s favorite villain these days. Everyone knows Perfectionism is bad, bad, bad. The critiques are usually levelled at what seem like his obvious downsides, such as his high standards.

But, funny how despite the attempt to run him out of town as if he were undermining civilization, he’s still hanging around.

He still has the pleasing gleam of virtuousness.  Even if we believe that it isn’t good to host Perfectionism and give him a place to live, we still take a certain pride in living by his commands and even wear his burden as a badge of honor.

I was struck by this when watching a social media video of a therapist urging us to reject Perfectionism as she stood in her perfectly staged studio, with perfectly coifed hair, and perfectly curated clothing and jewelry.

That’s all cool. I’m not judging. I’m not above looking at how I look myself.

But let’s admit it, we can’t just dismiss this guy. And maybe that’s not all bad.

The problem is not with his standards, it’s with the conceit of perfectibility and the judgment that we’ve attached to him. My argument is that these are not organic to Perfectionism. They were added later on. And we can return to adaptive perfectionism.

Perfectionism’s History: Bright to Dark

If you look at his history, Perfectionism was originally known for his commitment to completing a task and thereby attaining its purpose. But beginning in the late 14^th century, things went south. Thanks to overzealous theologians with a thirst for power, he was indoctrinated with fake news and tasked with disciplinary roles.

He was fed the idea that we could, should and must be pure and flawless. Even though they knew it was impossible. And his job was no longer about fulfilling a purpose, but about chastising us (and himself!) when we don’t measure up. I suspect that they were able to brainwash him because he was vulnerable to being faulted for not living up to his aspirations.

What many call perfectionism might more accurately be referred to as self-flagellation. These are different roles and adaptive Perfectionism should not be confused with the disciplinary role that was foisted on him by clerics.

This doesn’t mean he’s been innocent the whole time. But his sins are different from those he’s usually charged with. His sins have been conceit in believing that we could become pure, and collaboration with the powers that be in his willingness to become the executioner.

This is the shadow side of Perfectionism that he developed over the centuries. We may not want to acknowledge to ourselves or others that we have bought into this as well. It might sting to consider that we’ve adopted some of these negative characteristics, and I hope you’ll forgive my challenges. But I also hope that if we can stare down these traits and see what suffering they cause us and those around us, we can extract what’s good about Perfectionism and put the rest out for recycling.

We can reign him in and return him to his adaptive role in fulfilling purpose.

Perfectionism is much like us. We start out with good motives but often get pulled into roles that don’t serve us well in the long run. Like proving our goodness rather than simply pursuing good.

As with many of the subjects I explore in this blog, I like to think that the dynamics are not obvious at first. Trained as a psychoanalyst, I usually look for what’s operating in the background of the unconscious, out of sight and out-of-mind. So you may not recognize at first what I’ll point out: the arrogance of Perfectionism. His shadow and ours.

But it’s there.

The Benefits of Adaptive Perfectionism According to Science

Before we get on to that, I want to point out that separating the goals of Perfectionism from the judgment of Perfectionism makes him more adaptive, and that this is fairly well established science. While we’ve been piddling away with our personal opinions on Perfectionism, serious scientists in white lab coats and huge intimidating black glasses have been studying him methodically.

The results are clear: adaptive Perfectionism (flexible goal striving) predicts more success and better adjustment, while maladaptive Perfectionism (high standards with harsh criticism) predicts less success and poorer adjustment. Here is a link if you want to get into the research:

Review of the Theoretical, Empirical, and Clinical Status of Adaptive and Maladaptive Perfectionism | Behaviour Change | Cambridge Core

But since reason isn’t always enough to change us, let’s get back to our regularly scheduled programming.

What is Shadow?

Shadow is “the thing we don’t want to be.” It’s the part of us that we don’t want to be exposed to the light. It lurks in the darkness of our blind spots. For instance, we don’t like to think of ourselves as arrogant or conceited.

Groundbreaking psychiatrist Carl Jung, who first applied the term Shadow to our psychology, let us know in no uncertain terms that we all have a shadow side, a dark side that we don’t want to show the world, or even admit to ourselves.

Whenever you meet someone who thinks they don’t have a shadow side, run the other way. Immediately, if not sooner.

Jung chose the term Shadow advisedly because it works well as an image and metaphor. It resonates intuitively. Images speak to the right side of the brain, which is where we often need to direct our efforts, since targeting reason doesn’t always result in the change we’re trying to make.

Jung wrote, “My contribution to psychotherapy confines itself to those cases where rational treatment does not yield satisfactory results.” [V. 16 Par. 83] I’ve seen a few of those myself.

The concept of Shadow may be one of Jung’s greatest gifts to us. In introducing us to the idea of integrity from a psychological perspective rather than a moral one, he helped us begin to form a foundation from which we can acknowledge and accept ourselves as we really are.  And this includes the dark side of Perfectionism.

Hidden and Forbidden Shadow

One confusing thing about Shadow is that it can be either hidden (you eat your maple bacon donuts when no-one is looking), or forbidden (you would never eat any donut much less the maple bacon variety).

Other examples of hidden shadow include hostile feelings in someone who espouses peace, or fear in someone who presents as powerful.

Examples of forbidden shadow are people who have never allowed themselves to have sex or be “selfish.” In both cases they usually spy this stuff in everyone else and may well shout it from the rooftops.

Both the hidden and the forbidden can cause us trouble when we don’t acknowledge them and find a healthy way to integrate them.

Jung’s point was that Shadow isn’t going away anytime soon. Better befriend it. And I’m here to tell you that Perfectionism won’t soon be trotting off to Tahiti for a well-deserved vacation either.

And that’s not all bad.

The Hidden Treasure of Shadow

What many people don’t get about Shadow is that it holds potential for good. Once acknowledged, shadow qualities can be mined for psychological growth, enhanced functioning, and wholeness.

In mythology the dragon that hoards the gold often represents our shadow. If you make your way through the frightening forest or down into the unnerving underworld to expose it, you get the gold. Even better, tame the beast and you’ve really got power.

So, for instance, we could extract confidence and strength out of hostility and use it for good causes. Or we could extract integrity from self-righteousness and use it to improve our relationships.

And from Perfectionism we can extract ideals, quality, goodness and confidence. Just don’t let him sit behind the wheel, hide in the trunk or give you grief for not flawlessly executing that presentation.

But first we need to acknowledge the real reasons that perfectionism is a dragon.

The Shadow Side of Perfectionism: Conceit

Let’s look at the specific shadow aspect of Perfectionism that causes us the most trouble. Conceit. Excessive pride and vanity. He can get arrogant enough to harbor unrealistic beliefs about who we are, what we can achieve, and his role as executioner.

He and I have spoken about this and he acknowledges it’s a problem. But let’s unpack it so we can call him on it when he starts to get out of control.

While we could list these differently, I’ve tried to narrow it down to 3 main conceits and a resulting role.

The Conceit of Omniscience

He can be conceited in thinking that he knows how things are supposed to be. As if we can know what “perfect” is.

I mean really, think about it, isn’t it just a little arrogant to think that we know how things are supposed to be and how to fix them? That we’ve always got it right and other people have only flapdoodle?

Far too many times he has convinced me that we knew the right way to do something, until I realized that things were far more complicated than he had led me to imagine. Ohhhh.

As I wrote in a previous post, “Want to be certain? Don’t be so sure!” Certainty, one aspect of Perfectionism, is often a sign that we’re wrong.

Those of you who saw 2001: A Space Odyssey may remember HAL 9000. He was the computer that had been programmed to be the ultimate know-it-all, and it really showed. When the crew started to question him he got paranoid and it led to catastrophic conflict.

Dear readers: Don’t be like HAL.

The Conceit of Virtue and Perfectibility

And while we’re at it, isn’t it arrogant to think that we could actually achieve perfection?

Perfectionism can be overly-conscientious. While it is true that he will go to great lengths to try to do The Right Thing, there is a shadow side to that, too; Self-righteousness. Sanctimoniousness. Piety. Purity. Smugness. Which all stink.

While you might imagine it would make you lovable, it usually drives others away.

It might seem counterintuitive to say that perfectionists are arrogant when some of us are so self-critical, indecisive, and anxious. This is the point of Shadow: The dark side is not usually obvious because we can’t see it—we don’t let it into the light. So someone who may seem humble on the outside may actually be arrogant on the inside.

I learned early in my training that hidden away just inside every superiority complex is an inferiority complex. And lurking just inside every inferiority complex is a superiority complex. The degree of our self-condemnation corresponds to how perfect we believe we can and therefore should be. You wouldn’t condemn yourself so much for not being perfect if you didn’t ascribe to the shadow conceit that you could be perfect.

Humbly bringing attention to your mistakes can be a sort of social signaling that you could have been perfect, and that you know the difference between perfection and failure. It’s just another way of trying to appear perfect.

I’m not denying the suffering that Perfectionism can visit on his hosts—such as suffering from self-condemnation. I am suggesting that if we look deeper we’ll find other feelings that will help us remedy the situation.

Conceit is clearly what the Greeks were concerned about when they warned of hubris, the sort of conceit that leads the gods to hurl thunderbolts at us in the form of stock market crashes, embarrassing falls and auto crashes from driving as if you’re in the Indy 500.

Which leads us to the proverbial Persian Flaw. Rugmakers in Persia (Iran) reputedly leave one error in their rugs in order not to appear to seek perfection, since only God can be perfect.

One of my favorite examples of this isn’t a perfect fit, but may still be helpful. In the film The Matrix, the hero Neo has to learn to let go of trying to work within the simulated system he’s been cast into because it is an illusion. Similarly, the idea that we could be perfect is an illusion, and things get better when we recognize that.

The Conceit of Control

To imagine that we can control things is also a conceit.

Exhibit A: Victor Frankenstein.

Remember, Frankenstein is not the hulking monster we usually picture when we think “Frankenstein.” He’s actually the one who created the monster, and he was really the more monstrous one because he thought he could create life and thereby defeat death. Further, he felt he needed to do this having felt powerless as he watched his mother die.

Immediately after the monster comes to life, Victor says, in effect, “What have I done?” He knows he’s made a very bad boo-boo, and, in his own words, he is the most miserable human being on earth because of it.

He discovered the shadow of his Perfectionism.

Author Mary Shelley’s goal is to beat it into our hard heads over and over how foolish it is to think that we can control life. After bringing the monster to life in the first quarter of the book, the last three quarters of the novel are spent describing the excruciating disasters Frankenstein inflicts on himself, his family and his community through the arrogance of trying to create life.

Just think of Victor Frankenstein the next time you imagine you can and need to control an outcome.

I’ve spoken with Perfectionism about this as well, and because I speak to him, he is more willing to listen to me and let go. Some. It’s a work in progress.

The Resulting Role: Enforcer

The result of these conceits is that Perfectionism feels he has the duty to chastise us when we haven’t been pure and flawless. But his job should simply be to set ideals and goals that have purpose, and help us reach them. Not to reprimand us when we don’t. He can become rigid about enforcing rules without a sense of what those rules were originally for. Punishment seems to him like The Right Thing to do, and he feels a sense of responsibility to dole it out.

As I reported in a previous post, punishment doesn’t work well as a way to reach our goals.

Take Inspector Javert from Victor Hugo’s Les Misérables. He searches for the lovable and heroic Valjean for decades because he stole a loaf of bread to feed his family. Javert  likes to think he’s doing The Right Thing. He ignores the fact that Valjean is incredibly helpful and generous to many other people during the decades after the theft. In doing so Javert misses the entire point of laws about theft, and buys into the conceit that punishing Valjean for not being pure is his job.

Born in a prison to criminal parents, Javert was trying to compensate for his insecurity regarding his own decency. He kills himself in the end, realizing his devotion to his strict set of morals is untenable.

What author Victor Hugo was trying to impress on us in Les Mis is that perfect virtue has a vile shadow side. Buyer beware.

Redeeming the Possible Benefits of Conceit

Each of these conceits is the opposite of insecurity, which, I believe, is the driving force behind unhealthy perfectionism. If you feel insecure about what you know, what you can control, and how good you are, it makes sense that you’d harbor compensatory feelings of being super wise, competent and virtuous, and act that way. If we invest in maladaptive Perfectionism to remedy our insecurities, we feel we need to do good rather than want to do good, and as a result we don’t have the flexibility to look clearly at ourselves.

Remember, hidden inside every insecurity complex is a superiority complex.

And Perfectionism won’t deal with his shadow side on his own; by his nature Perfectionism blocks the antidote. It’s his fatal flaw, and it leads to defensiveness.

If we can acknowledge the underside of Perfectionism, such as arrogance and judgment, we’re less likely to get caught in it. If conceit is the shadow side of Perfectionism, humility can transform him. It requires an honest look at what we had believed was possible and accepting our limitations.

But more importantly, if we want to redeem the shadow of Perfectionism, we need to extract the positive, healthy and adaptive seeds contained in the conceits. That means having realistic faith in our wisdom, competence, and basic goodness so that we don’t need to go to extremes to prove ourselves.

Like that terrifying monster in your dreams: once you turn toward him and face him rather than run from him, he changes character and may become an ally.

Transforming the Shadow Side of Perfectionism and Cultivating Adaptive Perfectionism

If Perfectionism launches purposeful goals rather than punishing us for failing to reach them, we have a chance at fulfillment.

Here are some steps to take to make Perfectionism a collaborative ally rather than a rogue commander.

1.  Cool It with the Anti-Perfectionism

Don’t go get all perfectionistic about Perfectionism.  You adopted inflated estimates of your potential for a reason.  They seemed adaptive at the time. It’s not as if you chose conceit for the fun of it. So apply understanding and compassion lavishly.  Break the cycle of blame. We need to stop going black and white about Perfectionism.

What purpose has it served for you to try to be perfect? Was it hurtful? Was it the goals that hurt, or the judgment?

What is your attitude toward Perfectionism now? Is it black and white?

2. Acknowledge the Conceit

Acknowledge the impact conceit has had on yourself and others.

The next time you think you could do a task perfectly, ask yourself whether that’s realistic or a conceit.

Acknowledge any ways that Perfectionism has led to conceits about being omniscient, perfectible, pure, or completely in control.

Name 3 ways your obedience to Perfectionism’s conceit has hurt you or others this last week.

3. Personify and Befriend

Odd as it may seem to you, personifying and befriending Perfectionism is actually a very practical step. When someone is a big part of your life, it helps you to know their good and bad sides. And it allows you to recognize them when they get off track so you can call them on it and reign them back in. Perfectionism’s really not such a bad guy if you get to know him and learn how to handle him.

Befriending him is like reaching mindfully for the handle of a sharp knife rather than blindly (unconsciously) grabbing the blade. Knives are helpful but dangerous. It’s all about how you handle them.

Perfectionism can help us aim higher and not lose hope. His stubbornness can be an asset. High ideals are the source of progress. But he needs to be a source of encouragement rather than discouragement.

What is your Perfectionism most likely to get apoplectic about?

Are there goals that he has set that are good?

4.  Clarify Your Purpose

Perfectionism was originally all about achieving purpose. Reining him in will go smoother if you’ve named your North Star. Clearly state your values that will keep both of you pointed in the right direction. Money? Friendship? Sanity? Relationships? Ping-Pong Championships? Health? Happiness?

As a good drummer does, Perfectionism can set the tempo and drive you where you want to go.

Has your relationship with Perfectionism kept you on track or off track to achieve your purposes?

What purpose do you want him to serve for you?

Name 3 ways Perfectionism could help you get where you want to go–if he is well-managed.

These are the most important first steps. Make adaptive Perfectionism your friend and you’re in for a smoother ride.

If you found this post helpful, you may also want to read In Praise of Healthy Perfectionism, or listen to Episode 56 on the Podcast.