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Constance was meticulous in everything she did. She was famous, and at times infamous, for...
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Contents ToggleObsessive-Compulsive Personality Disorder (OCPD)How Do I Know If I Have OCPD?Obsessive-Compulsive Personality Disorder CriteriaLet’s...
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A partner with OCPD (obsessive compulsive personality disorder), can be really difficult to live with....
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Contents ToggleWhy A Compulsive Personality Blog?A Style with Extremes: The Compulsive Personality SpectrumTaking the Wheel...
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Compulsive. It’s not the kind of trait that will get you a wink on a...
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Your colleague Mitch works very late hours, insists on perfection in team documents, and can...
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Insecurity is often the cause of people becoming unhealthy compulsives rather than healthy compulsives. It’s as if life were a test and, fearing we will fail, we resort to rules, rigidity and control to prevent failure. It can be so prevalent, yet so hard to see, that it’s like the air we breathe. But rather than trying desparately to pass the test, we can take a pass on the test, and adopt ways of living that have more meaning.
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Life is not easy, and we actually make it harder if we imagine we can sashay through it effortlessly. But we can also make life more difficult than it needs to be by imagining that the path forward is steeper than it really is. To make life easier let’s explore the effect of the “Mountain Mirage,” its causes and its cures.
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Whatever the motivation for withholding forgiveness, it usually hurts the holder more than it hurts the offending person. And as I’ll show in this post, not forgiving may be part of a larger mindset which blocks not just connection with that one person, but also a more fulfilling life.
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How do you help a partner, relative or friend who feels suicidal? The situation is disturbing for anyone, and can be even more difficult for people who take too much responsibility and need to have things fixed and resolved. There are limits to what is within our control. And many of us feel too much responsibility in a situation like this. We like to think that there must be a solution to any and all problems—if we could just figure it out and work hard enough to execute that solution. But that’s very idealistic, if not naïve. Hopefully, and ideally, hearing themselves as they talk to you, and hearing you mirror their feelings empathically and simply, will help them realize that what needs to die is not they themselves, but their unrealistic standards, black and white thinking, and self-attack. Their dictator, tyrant, or judge.
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Romantic love requires a mindset different from the controlling one, a mindset characterized by allowing, openness and flexibility. Valentine’s Day and anniversaries can serve as opportunities to celebrate and welcome what feels like the chaos of passion—including those deliciously dangerous feelings of being out-of-control. It’s like getting out of the prison of control. You can’t force romantic love. You can only surrender to it.
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People with compulsive and obsessive tendencies tend to hold on to things—money, objects, time and ideas. We imagine that these things we hold on to make us more secure. But too often they bring us more stress than security. Some of the things we hold on to constitute our identity and worth. These are sacred cows in the worst sense—traits that we feel we can’t question much less let go of. And these cows are a heavy burden to carry. We’ll start with a story from the Buddha, explore scarcity mindset, and talk about two examples of women struggling with their sacred cows. Finally, we’ll discuss how letting go of sacred cows can lead to more fulfillment.
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Few of us make it through life without ever getting defensive. Shields are universal and archetypal. But, at the risk of being dramatic, how defensive we get can dramatically affect our relationships and careers. Some people keep their Shield of protection up almost all the time. Others ram it into the other person’s face. Both of these can severely limit not just relationships and work, but, as we’ll see, your psychological growth as well.
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Most people get happier as they reach their 50s, 60s and 70s. But people who are obsessive-compulsive and perfectionistic may miss out on the potential benefits. Their default strategy of control can block the those benefits, and leave us metaphorically pushing a rock up a hill, only to have it come crashing down again.
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Too often our efforts to be conscientious overshoot their goal and we become rigid and rulebound instead. Sometimes this is because we follow convention rather than conscience, and other times it’s because we have forgotten our original motivation. In both cases, becoming more mindful of conscience and more skillful in how we execute it can put us back on track, rather than driving nowhere.
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Since people with obsessive-compulsive personality traits often feel that the right thing is to hold on to money, time, objects and compliments, they may miss out on the benefits of generosity. And since they tend to get engrossed in goals, projects, and fixing things, they may neurologically wire themselves into a narrow focus which excludes generosity. I can’t guarantee you’ll feel happier if you engage in large or small acts of kindness, but I do believe there is a very good chance that you will at least feel like your life has more meaning—and, silver lining for the compulsive—you’ll feel like you have more control over your mood.
The Healthy Compulsive book is now available in paperback in addition to hardcover and e-book format:
Healthy Compulsive Book
If you’d like to use your time in psychotherapy more effectively, check out my book on therapy.
